The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

You turn on the TV. And on the screen appear two words you've never seen together before: YOUNG WHO.

The pre-credits roll and the show begins.

We open on a wide shot of an alien planet. An orange planet filled with grand, towering citadels.

Zoom in. Zoom in real close. Zoom in on a teenage boy.

This is not an ordinary boy. This boy is an alien. And he's not an ordinary alien either. He's an alien who loves Earth. He has all kinds of Earth paraphernalia in his bedroom, like a Rubik's cube, a toy plane, a record player, and a bunch of other shit. The only problem is that he's never actually been to Earth. Therefore he's not sure what most of the objects do, just like Arthur Weasley and his collection of Muggle items.

Unfortunately for this boy, the people on his planet hate humans. He lives on Gallifrey, home to the most arrogant species in the universe: the Time Lords. The Time Lords believe all species are inferior, especially humans. For this reason, all human objects are forbidden on Gallifrey. One day, the Lord President of the Time Lords, Rassilon, goes to the boy's house and catches him with his massive collection of contraband human stuff, so Rassilon blasts it all to smithereens with his staff, just like King Triton smashing all Ariel's treasures in The Little Mermaid.

The boy's so upset that he does the unthinkable: he steals a special Time Lord spaceship called a Tardis and runs away from home. The spaceship can travel through time as well as space, and he lands the spaceship in 1960s swinging London. The spaceship immediately changes into a 1963 police telephone box to camouflage into the surroundings. He steps out of the spaceship and onto the street. It's 1960s London, Picadilly Circus. It's like the scene at the end of Captain America: The First Avenger, where Steve Rogers wakes up in the 21st century and walks around Times Square in bewilderment. It's all bright lights, people, confusing sounds, and cars beeping their horns. the boy's overjoyed. He spins around in the middle of the street, his arms outstretched, in slow motion as beautiful choir music plays. An angry taxi driver shouts, "Oi! Get out of the road, yer lunatic!"

Two policemen come over, big 1960s bobby hats on their heads. "Alright sir, what's going on here? Had a bit too much to drink have we?"

The boy has a big smile on his face. "I'm on Earth!" he says.

As the boy wanders off, the two policemen look at each other with raised eyebrows.

The boy has to think of a human name for himself. He stops in front of a WHSmith. "Smith," he says. He picks up a newspaper. On the front is a headline about John Lennon. "John," he says. "That's it: I'll be John Smith."

He loves Earth so much that he even the most mundane things bring him joy. Here he is riding a bus for example:

One day, John Smith bumps into a young woman. The woman's called Eva. She's a typical 60s London girl, wearing a minidress and her hair in a bob. (Think Elizabeth Hurley in the Austin Powers films.) She and John Smith become friends. Then more than just friends...

John Smith and Eva fall in love, but he never tells her his secret: that he's actually an alien from outer space. But then one day it's raining torrentially. Everyone's running for cover but John Smith's standing in the rain with a huge grin on his face and his palms turned upwards to the sky.

"What do you think you're doing, you maniac?" shouts Eva.

"They don't have rain on Gallifrey!" shouts John Smith.

"What?" shouts Eva.

"I said, they don't have rain on Gallifrey!"

"What the bloody heck is a Gallifrey?"

"I want to show you something," says John Smith.

John Smith takes her to his spaceship and explains he's an alien.

"That explains a lot, to be honest," says Eva.

Eva wants to visit the future, so John Smith takes her all the way to the year 2022. She's amazed by smartphones and televisions. "But where's the flying cars? And the robots?" she says.

"I guess progress is a bit different from what people think," says John Smith. "Progress is more... social? Fewer people get married, and they have fewer children. There's the internet though, of course. They don't have that in the sixties. People have all this information at the touch of their fingertips" (he gestures to a man using a smartphone) "but in some ways, they're getting more ignorant... Ah, what's this then?"

John Smith's spaceship is still a 1960s police phone box, which he finds strange. "It's supposed to change to match its environment," he says. "I guess it's... broken? Ah well. I'll get around to fixing it. One day." (He never does.)

John Smith lives on Earth for several months, a Time Lord pretending to be human. But one day, another Time Lord arrives on Earth. She's a girl from the boy's class at the Time Lord Academy. She's a spunky rebel wearing goth clothes (black lipstick, black nail varnish, torn tights, etc.)

Ideally, the actress should look like this:

By the way, If the BBC plays this right, then this girl could be the next global female icon like Harley Quinn, and girls will want to dress as her on Halloween. No pressure.

John Smith is shocked that someone from his planet has found him on Earth.

"Please don't tell anyone I'm here," says John Smith.

"Don't worry, I'll never tell," says the girl. "Besides, I don't like the other Time Lords. They're all so arrogant. Rassilon, for example, he's so angry that you stole his Tardis."

"Wait, that spaceship I stole was Rassilon's?"

"Yeah, didn't you know? The Tardis you stole belongs to Rassilon. He said he's going to, and I quote, 'Destroy every atom in the universe until I find that accursed boy.'" She laughs. "He's such a pompous prick."

The girl decides to live on Earth for a while. John Smith suggests that she thinks of a human name for herself so she can fit in. But she doesn't want a human name. "Human names are so bland. I'm going to call myself... 'The Master'.

Finally, we reach the final episode of the series. It's time to go out all-out like the end of Mark Millar's The Ultimates. The episode begins with the Time Lords locating the boy on Earth. Rassilon beams down to Earth like in Star Trek, confiscates the Tardis, and tells his guards to grab hold of the boy and Eva.

"Time Lords do not mix with other races," snarls Rassilon. "We are above them. They age. They die. We do not. We are eternal. And now, I will sentence you. For the crime of stealing a Tardis from Gallifrey, I sentence you to death. And for the crime of falling in love with a human, I sentence this entire planet to death. Such is the disgrace you have brought upon the Time Lords that not even a single atom of this disgusting planet will remain. BRING THE ANNIHILATOR!"

A Gallifreyan warship appears in the sky, like a mother ship from Independence Day. Oh shit. It's here to destroy Earth.

"ATTENTION, PLANET EARTH," booms the warship. "YOUR PLANET WILL BE ANNIHILATED. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION. THAT IS ALL."

The Master, who's been hiding with an invisibility field the whole time, knocks out Rassilon and the guards. She throws the boy a gun.

The boy and the Master work together to stop the warship and save the world, even though they're both just teenagers, and the Time Lords have sent an entire army of Time Lord warriors.

The Master's having loads of fun blasting Gallifreyan soldiers to death with her duel laser pistols. Meanwhile, the boy is reluctant to use a gun and finds non-violent ways to incapacitate the soldiers.

Rassilon challenges the boy to a sword fight. "Why don't you just give up and die?" says Rassilon as he knocks the sword out of the boy's hand and grabs him by the throat. "You stupid boy. You know nothing."

"You're wrong," says the boy, coughing up blood. "I know something. I know about humans. And I know they never, ever surrender." the boy smiles.

"You think your pathetic humans will save you?" says Rassilon.

And at that moment, an army of human soldiers arrives, with helicopters, planes, and tanks. They blast the Gallifreyan soldiers with machine guns and rocket launchers.

"Remember, Time Lords have thirteen lives," shouts a commander. "I want thirteen bullets in each of them! Don't stop shooting until they stop moving!"

There are regenerations all over the place as Gallifreyan soldiers die and die again.

The boy shoots Rassilon with a gun. Rassilon regenerates... into a woman. She feels her new face. "He made me regenerate," says Rassilon, infuriated. Making a Time Lord regenerate is the equivalent of making a human bleed.

"Sir, we have to get out of here," says a lieutenant. "Er, I mean, Madam. We're outnumbered and-"

"Silence!" shouts Rassilon. She shoots her lieutenant.

Ultimately, the boy teleports all the Gallifreyan soldiers to another world. He then boards the Gallifreyan warship, reverses the polarity of the neutron flow, and makes it explode. He then falls from the sky. The Tardis catches him just before he hits the ground.

Now it's Rassilon coughing up blood. Her skin has been burned black by the fire around her.

The boy approaches Rassilon. Except he doesn't seem like a boy anymore. He seems more like a man. "This world is under my protection," he says as the flames flicker around him. "I'll give you one warning: stay away."

Rassilon looks up at the boy, frightened.

"Wait," says Rassilon. "What about my Tardis?"

"It's my Tardis now, bitch," says the boy, swinging the key around his finger.

The Time Lords retreat and never come back. There's peace on planet Earth.

The boy changes his motto from "Never interfere, never intervene" to "Never cruel, never cowardly" and vows to intervene whenever he sees injustice from now on.

The boy and Eva admit their love for each other. He decides to live out a normal human life on Earth with her. He uses something like a Chameleon Arch to change his physiology from Time Lord to human, so he can be a proper human, and he can age just like a human does.

"You'll have to decide on a profession," says Eva. "You can't just be sitting around the house for the rest of your life."

The boy looks horrified. "A profession? You mean work?"

"Well, yes. How did you think you'd get money?"

The boy shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know."

Eva rolls her eyes and smiles. Then she plants a kiss on his cheek. "Well, what do you want to be? A butcher? A baker? A candlestick maker?"

"Hmm. Well, I guess I'd like to do something that helps people," says he says.

"Yeah, that sounds like you. What about a... I don't know... a doctor?"

"Me? A doctor?"

"Yeah, why not? You're more than smart enough. You'd have to go to medical school, but it's only for a few years."

The boy thinks it over. "Yes, I think I'd like that," he says smiling. "A doctor."

He passes medical school, top in his class. He and Eva move to a small rural village and start a family. He opens his own medical office. The villagers love him because of his uncanny knack for correctly diagnosing their health problems. He stops using the name "John Smith" and just calls himself "The Doctor" instead.

The years pass. The Doctor and Eva have a baby, then a second baby. The babies grow into children, the children grow up into adults, and the adults have children of their own. This scene is accompanied by a love song. The Doctor and Eva get old. Eva gets sick. The Doctor thinks of everything he can to cure her, but she holds his hand and says, "It's my time," and peacefully slips off into death.

The Doctor withdraws from society and becomes a recluse, never leaving his manor house. His only source of joy is his granddaughter, Susan.

"Grandad, what's that box in your garden for?" she asks, pointing to the Tardis outside. It's covered with vines and weeds and looks like something abandoned.

"It's a funny old thing, isn't it?" says the Doctor. "You know, Susan, that box is a magic box."

She pulls a face. "Magic isn't real, grandad."

He stops for a moment, shocked.

"Susan," he says, stooping down to her level. "This is very important. You must remember this: magic is real. It is real, Susan. It's out there, in the stars. And it's in here too." He points an old, weathered finger to her heart. "Magic is everywhere you look, Susan. Everywhere you look. Even a speck of dust has a trillion atoms. Everything is magic, and magic is everywhere." He puts his hand out, and the motes of dust, visible in the sunlight, land on it. "Magic is real, Susan. And never, never let anyone tell you otherwise."

"But magic isn't real, grandad. All the girls at school said so."

A single tear rolls down the Doctor's face. Then the Doctor thinks for a moment. Then he offers Susan his hand. "Come. I'll show you."

The Doctor goes to his office. He opens an old drawer. He reaches in and takes out the Tardis key. His hand is shaking. Then he walks out into the overgrown garden, with Susan following behind.

"Grandad, where are we going?"

The Doctor's standing in front of the Tardis. He licks his lips nervously. "Now, now," he says to the Tardis. "I know it's been a long time, but— I wanted to pretend to be human, just for a while— so please, don't be angry with me."

He tries to slip the key into the lock but his hand is shaking too much, perhaps from old age, or quite possibly from fear.

"Let me help, Grandad," whispers Susan. She slips the key into the lock. Then, together - granddaughter and grandfather, Susan and the Doctor - they turn the key. Her young hand looks small on his old, liver-spotted hand. The key turns effortlessly, as though no years have passed at all.

"What now?" whispers Susan. She's almost too afraid to speak.

"Now?" says the Doctor. He hesitates. "Now...? Magic." As he says this word, he pushes the Tardis door open, and inside, there's the interior of the Tardis: the command console, the time rotor. Everything is still beautifully preserved. Susan gasps. Her grandad wasn't lying: magic is real.

Anyway, they move back to the 1960s and the series ends where Doctor Who began: M Foreman's Scrap Merchants at 76 Totter's Lane, in 1963. BOOM. Mic drop.

And so ends Young Who.