I have a two-month-old baby. Plus I have work to do. Therefore my time is limited. So I should definitely not be cooking elaborate meals.

Yet here I am, cooking goddamn lasagne. GODDAMN LASAGNE.

Lasagne seemed like a good idea at the time. Oh dear Christ, why did it seem like a good idea at the time? It takes so, so long to make. It takes around three freaking hours in total.

Here are the steps to make it. Eight torturous steps, like the circles of torment in hell:

1. First, you have to gently cook onion in a frying pan for half an hour. Stir, stir, stir. While you'll stirring the onion, you can't do anything useful. All you can do is read Reddit on your phone with your left hand while you stir with your right hand. Stir, stir, stir.
2. Then you add the mincemeat. You have to stir that too to make sure it doesn't stick to the pan. Stir, stir, stir.
3. Then you add the can of tomatoes. That's easy at least, thank god.
4. At this point, you can leave the bastard alone for an hour to cook, BUT during that hour you have to keep going back to stir it occasionally. God forbid you forget to go back to stir it because then the mixture will STICK to the bottom of the pan and get BURNT. Then you'll have to throw it away and START AGAIN.
5. Next you have to boil the lasagne sheets to make them soft. It sounds easy, but it takes a while because you can only boil so many sheets at one time. So this is another fucking tedious step.
6. Then, you construct the lasagne in a baking tray by putting everything into layers. A layer of pasta, a layer of tomato sauce, a layer of Bechamel sauce, repeat. My girlfriend’s on this step now. It’s taking her forever. FOREVER
7. After that, you stick the lasagne in the oven and wait. This is the easy part because you don't have to do anything. You can finally rest from this lasagne-making nightmare, perhaps putting your hands over your head and sobbing for a bit.
8. But the nightmare isn't over yet because you have to wash all the pans you used. You might as well put your own head in the oven at this point and put yourself out of your misery.

Fucking lasagne. I thought it would be a good idea. No fucking way. Takes too fucking long. Ain't nobody got time for that. I certainly don’t got time for that.

My girlfriend might have time to make lasagne because she's not working. She doesn't have a job. So that's all fine. She has time to make lasagne. BUT while she makes it, I have to look after the baby. Right now the baby is sleeping in a sling I’m wearing. If I move too much, he’ll wake up. If I sit down, he’ll wake up. If I put him in the cot, he’ll definitely wake up. And then cry. At least he’s asleep right now, thank fucking god for that much.

Jesus fucking Christ, this fucking lasagne. My girlfriend could be taking care of the baby while I work. But no, she’s in the kitchen cooking lasagne.

And my girlfriend blames the lasagne situation on me, by the way, because it was my idea to cook it in the first place. So now, on top of everything else, my girlfriend is pissed off at me.

I love lasagne...

You might think that by the way I talk about lasagne, I hate it. But I don't. I love lasagne. It's one of my favourite meals.

I last ate lasagne a few months ago. I made it myself from the most basic of ingredients: pasta sheets, mincemeat and a can of tomatoes. It took me something like thirty minutes to prepare because I put next to no effort in. And you know what? It turned out delicious. Lasagne always turns out delicious no matter what you do to it. That's the beauty of it.

In fact, that lasagne was one of the best things I've ever eaten. The pasta sheets were crunchy in some places and soft in others. There was mincemeat and rich tomato sauce. The meal was so hearty and comforting that I'll never forget it.

So no, I don't hate lasagne. What I do hate is that the lasagne right now is taking so damn long to make. My girlfriend and I have been working on it for two hours already. We have a baby so we don't have time for this.

I would cook the lasagne in the same way again I did last time, the half-an-hour way, but my girlfriend insists that we do it the right way, which also happens to be the "takes about three hours" way.

So, lesson learned: Don't cook lasagne when you have a baby.

Finally, here's the finished lasagne:

Was it delicious? Yes. Was it worth it? No.

Now excuse me because I have washing up to do.