Throughout my life, I’ve struggled to make friends. In this blog post, I'll tell you all about how no-one wanted to be friends with a bell-end like me.

Primary school

Okay, so when I just said that I've struggled to make friends throughout my life, that wasn't quite true. I did find it easy to make friends at primary school. My friends at primary school were James E., Andrew G. and Andrew D.. I didn’t share the same interests as them but we were somehow still friends. My mom once said, ”It’s amazing how they can be friends when they're not into the same things”. As far as I can remember, they were into sports, music and whatever else was cool I suppose. I was into reading, video games, TV, and computers.

I had another friend, James D., who shared my obsession with video games. He was strange in some ways. For one thing, he'd obediently follow every rule the teachers set. For example, I have a photo taken on a school trip where everyone in the class is talking and laughing, and James is the only one who has noticed the photo being taken and he's standing as upright and smart as possible.

I also remember him saying that his mom was saving up tens of thousands of pounds for him each year and that by the time he was eighteen, he'd be a millionaire. I don’t know if that turned out to be true but I have quite serious doubts about it.

Secondary school

After primary school, I went to an all-boys school called Bishop Vesey Grammar School. During my first couple of years there, I was in a small group of fellow geeky outcasts that the other kids labelled 'the Gay Patrol'. In the Gay Patrol were:

• Dominic, an intelligent and upper-class Jewish boy.
• Sam, a slightly overweight boy with a strange interest in World War 2 and aeroplanes.
• Michael, an egocentric boy who came from a rich family. He was interested in geeky things like Pokémon, and he'd boast about the size of his house and his skills at video games. Unsurprisingly, he was unpopular. As we got older, he used to say he was clinically depressed and that he sometimes cut himself.

Dominic left the school after two years, I think because he was being bullied. After he left, I can't remember who I hung out with. There was a time in year 11 when I hung out with Michael a lot because there was no-one else who would be my friend. I liked Michael because he was essentially harmless. We'd sneak out of school during lunchtimes and we'd smoke in the town centre (it amused him that I coughed my lungs up when I first tried a cigarette). We’d also meet up with his friends from other schools. I never connected with any of his friends though. They were middle-class 'emos' who bragged about how they cut themselves and how much they hated they parents. I wasn’t middle-class, I didn't cut myself and I didn’t hate my parents. I thought these kids were spoilt and overdramatic. In turn, they must have thought I was quiet and weird.

Michael left Bishop Vesey after five years while I stayed on to do sixth form. I must have made an effort to make new friends because I managed to latch onto a group called 'the Gold House Crew'. (The group was called the Gold House Crew because most of the members were from the school’s Gold house – the other houses being Red house, Blue house and White house). Sam was in the Gold House Crew, as well as an exceptionally quiet boy called Shane. There were also boys who were more popular and alpha, and less sympathetic to my weirdness. We didn't get on and I rarely spoke to them.

The Gold House Crew would meet in the school canteen at break times. I'd spend as long as possible buying a piece of toast to minimise my time standing awkwardly at the edge of the group.

University

After Bishop Vesey, I went to Aston University. During lectures, I sat next to a girl called Jenny, who was exceptionally nice and friendly. She was also doing exactly the same course as me. But outside of lectures, I didn't have any real friends. I did go to a ju-jitsu club twice a week. Some of the other members would go drinking at the local pub after sessions. Sometimes I’d go with them and feel socially awkward. The only person in the ju-jitsu club I became friends with was a guy called Rohan. He was obsessed with Japan. He liked talking about how much he wanted to work there. I didn't see him much outside of the context of ju-jitsu though. He did invite me to watch football in a pub once, but I don’t think that qualified him as my friend.

At one stage I became so annoyed that I had no friends to go drinking with that I started to go drinking by myself. I would go from bar to bar, alone, steadily getting drunk. I'd queue up at the bar (if I was lucky, I could spend fifteen minutes queuing at the bar), buy a drink, and then queue up again at a different bar, sometimes still holding the drink I'd just bought. Eventually, I would work up the courage to dance, but instead of dancing alone I'd break into a random group of dancers. Sometimes they would accept me in a drunk-friendly way, but most of the time they thought I was strange. I remember once I went into a circle of dancers and did a dance move where I just span around. When I'd finished spinning, everyone was gone. It makes me cringe to think about it.

One morning, I woke up feeling extremely lonely. I yearned to wake one of my flatmates up just for someone to talk to, but I didn't.

At my second year of university, I stopped sitting next to Jenny in lectures, because I realised how clingy I was. I'd sit on my own at the back at the lecture hall instead.

There was a guy on my course called Rich. He was always happy and was friends with everyone. He often invited me to the pub, along with a couple of our other course mates, Colin and Rob. But I'd never talk much while I was out with them and Rob didn't like me much. Once, when I told him I was leaving the pub to go home, he cried 'YESSS!' as if England had scored a goal.

During my final year of university, I became friends with a Tanzanian girl called Lillian. We'd sometimes sit together in lectures and help each other with coursework. She'd often want to see what my coursework looked like and we never went out as friends socially. Thinking back, she was probably just friends with me so I'd help her with her coursework.

After university

After university, I stayed at home for a year. I had no friends at all. I'd lost touch with everyone from school and university. My mom encouraged me to get back in touch with them, but I didn't want to try.

I got a job at Sainsbury’s for a month during Christmas, but I didn't make any friends there either.

I started getting a strong desire to move away from home, so I purposely looked for jobs which were on the other side of the country. I managed to get a job as a postman in Bournemouth. But in that seaside town, I still didn’t make any friends who I could go out with. I joined a volunteer group, but I wouldn't call any of the other volunteers my friends either.

Thinking about it, I did have one friend at that time: my brother. Every couple of days, we talked for up to an hour on the phone. We have similar interests and we've always got on well.

Present day

I’m getting a bit tired writing all this so you’ll have to excuse me if I speed things up a bit. After Bournemouth, I went to Canada on a gap year. There, something magical happened. I became – and this is true – popular. It started at a ski resort where I worked for a few months. I slowly started becoming more extroverted and friendly. Then, my popularity peaked at a hostel where I worked, and I made a load of friends. I made friends with Rebecca, a mixed-race 18-year-old giantess who was travelling around the world with her mom. I also met Declan, an introverted Irish guy who I still keep in touch with. And I also met my current girlfriend, Girlfriend. We’ve been together for over five years now and have a child together.

Today, I don’t have any close friends except Girlfriend. Perhaps though that’s enough - for now.