What's the best song of all time?

That's an easy question.

The answer, of course, is What's Up by 4 Non-Blondes. If you gave any other answer then I'm sorry but you are officially retarded.

No-one can deny that What's Up is the best song ever made. There is no other contender. When the apocalypse comes, What's up will be the only song that survives, driving a makeshift car across a desert landscape. If you thought it was going to be Livin' On A Prayer or Don't Stop Believin' then you were wrong.

Though let's not get into the issue that the phrase "What's up" isn't actually in the song, which makes me question why the song is even called What's up in the first place. What's Going On for a title would have been a better choice, but then again, what do I know, I'm just a writer of shitty blog posts.

Today I googled "What's up cover" to get a different take on the song. Preferably a video of a cute 20-something girl playing it on an acoustic guitar in her bedroom, preferably topless.

So imagine my surprise when the top result on Google for "What's up cover" was a white Nutty Professor and the words "What's up - EXCELENTE COVER!!!"

I can't say no to three exclamation marks – if something has that many exclamation marks then it must be fucking awesome – so I clicked on the link.

What I saw next was a stage with the words JA IMAM TALENT! I'm guessing this is some country's version of Britain's Got Talent then. But I have no idea what language that was though. Seems like German, followed by Jew, then English.

The video begins. The audience welcomes the new act with polite applause. At this point, no one is sure whether this act will be great or awful. With Britain’s Got Talent – I’m sorry, Ja Imam Talent – it’s always one or the other. There’s no in-between.

Next we see a man playing an acoustic guitar – this is no surprise though every cover EVER on Youtube has someone playing an acoustic guitar. Usually, it's an attractive person, however. The guy, on the other hand, looks like he plays Counter-Strike and builds his own computers in his spare time. He looks like a teenage Stephen King.

Then there's the singer, a girl who, for some reason, makes me think she lives in a trailer park. Perhaps it's because she has the face of one of the slags from down the council estate.

But she sure can sing. Her voice fills the auditorium like champagne filling a glass. The tendrils that are the joy that is her voice are snaking their way into everybody’s hearts and souls. This is the music you hear when you die and discover that heaven is a real place. And she hasn’t even sung any words yet, she’s just making noises with her voice.

Here come the words:

Twenty-five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

The audience is engrossed immediately and spontaneously start clapping along.

I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man

Yeah! That's right! Fuck the brotherhood of man.

This song makes me want to be a woman so I can be a feminist. Maybe it's not too late for me to get a sex change. Hmm. I'm 33 now so it's probably too late.

The nutty professor aka Albert Einstein aka Bill Fuck the Science Guy is intrigued and leans in for a closer look.

It almost seems as though the Nutty professor is about to cry. The camera zooms in on his face, trying to catch even the hint of a tear.

And closer still... I can almost see the atoms that make up his forehead.

What I want to know is, does his hair happen naturally like that? Does he wake up in the morning with big crazy-scientist spikes on his head or does he use wax? Or does a stylist do it for him? I’m asking the real questions here.

Another judge, this one perhaps a model from a clothes catalogue, leans forward and shouts "Bravo!" What a cunt, disturbing the singer during her song.

The audience loves it however and starts cheering. The third judge looks pleased too.

I swear this woman is a cat that has magically been turned into a human for a day. She has a way of moving her head that's almost hypnotic. If the Sphinx were a woman then this is what she'd look like.

Anyway, the rest of the song continues like this. Mr Clothes Model looks like this is the second happiest day of his life, the first being that time he was on the cover of GQ magazine. The Human-Cat looks as though someone has given her a bowl of cream. Pound shop Albert Einstein looks as though he's considering hiring the singer as his lab assistant.

The singer is really into the song now. She's belting out the lyrics like a woman who's been oppressed by men for twenty years and is letting out all her emotions in one catchy pop song.

And I try, OH MY GOD DO I TRY
I try all the time, in this institution...
And I pray, OH MY GOD DO I PRAY!
I PRAY EVERY SINGLE DAY!
FOR A REVOLUTION!

Albert Einstein breaks into a chuckle and Mr Model does a fist pump.

All the while, Mr Dungeons and Dragons aka teenage Stephen King is still playing away on his guitar like a champ. I reckon he's just happy to be in the same room as a member of the opposite sex.

The song ends and the audience applauses. It's not a standing ovation though, which is a bit rude. I mean, it's only polite to stand to applaud when the song is as good as this. If I had been in the audience, I know I would have stood up to applaud. I would have also taken my underpants off and flung them on stage to try to get teenage Stephen King to sleep with me.

And that's where the video ends. I don't know if the act won the competition. I don't even know if they got through to the next stage or not. But what I do know is: I'm hungry and I need a piss.

So that's it. Overall, an excellent cover of the best song ever. If you want to watch it yourself, here you go:

The song should still have been called "What's Going On" though.