Parenting is hard. Nowhere is this made more obvious than in children's nursery rhymes. Just look at some of the absurd situations in There was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe and Old Mother Hubbard for example.

There was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

Let's start with the rhyme about that woman who lived in a shoe.

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.

Well, of course she lives in a fucking shoe if she has that many children. She can't afford to live anywhere else. She can't afford to buy a semi-detached house in London and she certainly can't afford a three bedroom flat in West Kensington. And what's the reason for that? The reason for that is SHE HAS KIDS. If she didn't have kids, maybe she could save up and buy a proper house instead of LIVING IN A FUCKING SHOE. But it's too late now. She already has kids. There's no way she can save up for a mortgage deposit. Besides, she doesn't have a job, so no bank would approve a mortgage anyway. So there's no getting on the property ladder for her. No holidays in the Costa del Sol either. She doesn't have any time to earn money, and even if she did, all her money would all go on kids' stuff anyway, like food, clothes and LOL pets.

What's more, the children have taken her HEALTH as well. The stress of having so many children has made her old. Let's look at the facts: objectively, she must be of child-bearing age if she's able to have so many children. And even if she's passed child-bearing age, then it can't have been that long ago, because she still has children to take care of. So I reckon she's probably only in her forties. And yet the nursery rhyme describes her as an "old woman". But forty isn't old. So what's happened to her? I'll tell you what's happened to her. I'll tell you what's fucking happened to her. What's happened to her is that the children have PREMATURELY AGED HER. The stress of having so many children has turned her hair grey. She has no time to take care of herself which means that her teeth have fallen out. The fact that she has to bend down all day to pick up little kids means that her back has gone and she now has to walk bent over. AND SHE'S ONLY IN HER FORTIES. Meanwhile, all her childless friends from college still go to bars on the weekend and have one-night stands with hot men. And they go to the gym four times a week and have a personal trainer called Rob who they're also having an affair with. Essentially, all her childless friends are out having fun. Meanwhile, she has to stay at home to look after her kids, probably too tired to even cry.

Old Mother Hubbard

Then there's Old Mother Hubbard, the tale of a woman so poor that she can't even buy a bone for her dog, let alone food for herself:

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard,

To give the poor dog a bone;

But when she got there

The cupboard was bare,

And so the poor dog had none.

Why is she so poor? The clue is in the first line – she's a MOTHER. And she's not a mother of one kid. Presumably she has A LOT of kids if the word 'mother' has become ingrained into her very name.

And I reckon her kids have ruined her financially. They must have cost a fortune on childcare, clothes, food, LOL pets and all the fucking rest. And now that her children have grown up and moved out, she has no money left to even buy a 12 p tin of off-brand kidney beans. She has no money to buy ANY food whatsoever. Her cupboards are completely empty.

Do her ungrateful children even come and visit her? No, they do not. Because if they did visit her, they would see the empty cupboards and immediately go and bring food to make sure their mom isn't fucking STARVING. You would think her kids would come to visit her every now and then, even if it's just to check if she's okay. That's the least they can do, given that she spent the best years of her life raising them. But no. Her kids obviously don't care about her, not even enough just to visit her one a month to make sure she has enough food to eat. That's kids for you.

What happens to the old woman and her dog after the nursery rhyme ends? Presumably, they both starve to death. She could have avoided this situation by not having kids.

Conclusion

Don't even get me started on Five Little Ducks (a story where five children go missing, presumed dead) or Hush Little Baby (a story where a mom is so exasperated about her crying baby that she promises to buy it rings, dogs and even a HORSE if it will stop crying).

I believe that every nursery rhyme has a moral. And the moral here is DON'T HAVE A FUCKLOAD OF KIDS IF YOU CAN ONLY AFFORD TO LIVE IN A SHOE.