Here are photos I have of my old primary school, Birches Green. I took most of them on the very last day of school, when we were allowed to bring in cameras.

Here's the class of retards I was in:

The class was called 6D – that's 6 for Year 6 and D for Dweebs.

Actually, on second thoughts, I think the D might have stood for 'Derby', our teacher.

The playground:

A corridor. Because that's the kind of important thing you need to take photos of: the corridors.

Here's the headteacher, Mr Gospel, signing t-shirts as if he was a celebrity instead of just a primary school headteacher. He must have loved this day and all the attention he was getting.

The hall:

I think this is my brother on the stage holding up a trophy as if he's won gold at the Olympics. You had to bring that trophy, back by the way. You couldn't keep it.

Mr Benton. Some of the girls had a crush on him which was not very appropriate. He's not going to go out with a 10-year-old girl, is he? Well, I hope not.

I think the only reason girls found him attractive was his moustache. Well, it definitely wasn't for that tie.

The house teddies. My house was Stardust. Stardust was the worst house. We were useless and were always in last place in everything. Sports day, quizzes, competitions: no matter what it was, we were always last. Probably me being in Stardust didn't help.

Andrew Morgan. I lived next door to him.

Jason Body:

My sister, Lisa Pietrzak:

Jordan. I used to play Dungeons and Dragon with her dad at Wednesday club. It was as fun as it sounds, which is not very.

Ruth Walcot:

Sibbhoen, a girl I had a crush on:

It's probably just as well that we didn't get together because her name is very hard to spell.

Tom Farmer, the smallest boy in the year. I should have called him 'Tom Thumb' but I didn't because I've only just thought of that joke now. That's a terrible shame because I would have liked to have teased him mercilessly with that.

In 1998, when I was ten, I went to a birthday party at Tom Farmer's house. He had this huge house with a massive garden. There was a bouncy castle and everything. I remember Tom crying. The reason he was crying was that his mom had invited the class loser, Scott Peters, to the party. "I don't want Scott here at my party!" Tom sobbed. It was all a bit awkward. Well, the good thing is Scott stayed and we all had cake and a goody bag, so all's well that ends well.

Anyway, here's another photo. It features Rosie (wearing an Adidas top and making a rude hand gesture), James Edwards, Stacey (pulling a face) and Clark Cluely (he used to jab me with a pencil when I was trying to do schoolwork and I have absolutely nothing good to say about him.)

Can't remember this teacher's name. If you remember, let me know in the comments below. Or not, I don't really care either way, to be honest.

Me, looking as cool as James Bond (if James Bond was a 10-year-old dweeb, that is):

I don't know this kid's name but I always liked him because he had hair like mine and he looked a bit like me as well. Maybe we were related. My dad always did seem to be the type to have a secret family somewhere.

I didn't know this girl but she wanted me to take a photo of her so I said "Okay, fuck it", took the photo and here we are. By this point, I was like a paparazzi photographer on Oscar night – I was taking photos of absolutely everyone. It's a shame as I could have used the film to take a photo of something more interesting, like a patch of concrete on the floor.

Other photos:

Rebecca Mattews, Ruth Walcott and Amy Lyth. Amy was a charming young lady as you can see from the fact she's giving me the finger.

My sister's class (which I don't really care about to be honest because it wasn't my class):