The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Androtiv is a testosterone gel. It's sold on a dodgy website. Being an idiot, I've bought and used some.

Buying Androtiv

Buying the Androtiv was weird. The website promised next-day delivery and said I could pay cash on delivery. This sounded dodgy. I imagined a drug dealer arriving at my door the next day, demanding money.

Still though, as I'm an idiot, so I thought, "Fuck it, let's give it a go."

The next day, what-do-you-know: my doorbell rang. I opened the door and there was a woman from a delivery company. She had a parcel for me and I had to pay 78 euro. I sensed a scam but I paid her anyway. Once she'd gone, I opened the box, expecting it to contain nothing more than shredded newspaper, but no: there it was. There was the box of Androtiv.

Using Androtiv

Before using Androtiv, I'd only used testosterone injections. And I'd only done them three times because, on two of the three times, my skin became swollen and painful.

So the Androtiv was a revelation. It's easy to use. You just open the packet, squeeze out the contents onto your body, and rub it in. It only takes a minute, it doesn't hurt, and there's no chance of getting a needle infection.

It's a marvel of modern science. Truly, it is. Not just Androtiv but all testosterone gels. Being able to rub testosterone into your body? It's something our ancestors could only have dreamed of.

Androtiv's efficacy

But does Androtiv actually work? Or is it just water? (Or even worse, someone's semen as a practical joke?) I took some to find out.

1 packet a day

First I started taking 1 packet a day. After a few days, I noticed I have more chest hair. Also, my testicles are, worryingly, smaller. So it seems to be having an effect.

I also did blood tests before and after. After using 1 packet of Androtiv a day for almost two weeks:

• my total testosterone increased by 11% to 581 ng/dL (from a baseline of 524 pg/mL)
• my free testosterone increased by 30% to 9.3 ng/dL (from a baseline of 7.1 pg/mL)

Honestly, I'm disappointed. 11% isn't much. I want my testosterone levels to be sky-high, in the 800s. Instead, I'm still languishing in the 500s like a dweeb.

And my free testosterone is still laughably small. I'm still in the bottom 10% of men, according to a chart on the Internet.

So using one packet of Androtiv per day isn't enough. Not if you want to be a testosterone stud. I have a few more hairs on my chest, smaller balls, and that's about it. And that's not enough. I need even more hair on my chest and even smaller balls.

Two packets a day should be better, which is why I started taking two packets.

2 packets a day

I used two packets a day for a week then got my blood tested.

• my total testosterone increased by 140% to 1268 ng/dL (from a baseline of from 524 pg/mL)

• my free testosterone increased by 76% to 12.5 ng/dL (from a baseline of 7.1 pg/mL)

Wow! So with two packets of Androtiv a day, my total testosterone shot up to 1268 ng/dL, which was astonishing. The normal range is 240 to 870 ng/dL, which means I was now out of the normal range. Far outside it, in fact. Using two packets a day shot me into space, past the sun and the planets, and into the outer reaches of the galaxy. For once in my life, I was abnormal for something good instead of something bad. I had abnormally high testosterone.

However, my free testosterone, which is more important, only increased to 12.5 ng/dL. I'm still dawdling at the bottom of the normal range, like a rotting apple floating in a puddle of piss. And I'm still below the average for my age too (15 ng/dL).

3 packets a day

You're not meant to go up to three packets a day. The box says "Use 1-2 packets a day". It doesn't say to use 3 packets a day. If it did, it would say "Use 3 packets a day". But it doesn't. Which means using three packets a day would be irresponsible.

For the purposes of medical science, I started using three packets a day. Yes, I went up to three packets. I've gone beyond the box's guidelines. What's going to happen? Will it be like being Bradley Cooper in Limitless when he unleashes 100% of his brain's potential? Will I be driving backwards down a motorway at 100 mph while I shoot bad guys with an uzi?

I'll let you know.

But why stop at 3 packets? Why not 4 or 5? Why not just start bathing in testosterone gel, whole bathtubs of it?

I could create a testosterone gel 'pod', like the pods in The Matrix where humans are kept. In the morning, I'll leave my pod, with muscles the size of the Hulk's, and at night, I'll be weak and shrivelled and I'll have to go back to my pod to recharge my testosterone levels.