The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

After three years of living in Canada, I've finally left. Saying goodbye to my adopted country wasn't hard. No, the hard part was reducing all my worldly possessions to just 20 kg (okay, so the airline's baggage allowance was actually 30 kg, but my Victorian-age suitcases already weigh 10 kg when empty).

So over two months, I sold most of my crap, mainly with  and by putting up a poster in my building's foyer. This was a full-time job in itself, except without the pension plan, the petty bickering about who put the office stapler up the bum of whom, and the fact I only worked on it for a couple of hours a week.

By the way, three years is a long time to accumulate stuff. Most of it came from:

• Gifted from friends
• Bought from Chína via eBay
• Shoplifting
• Dollarama
• Shoplifting from Dollarama

Anyway, my hard work paid off, and I sold almost everything, including the bag of weed I was too afraid to smoke because of a traumatic bong experience three years ago.

So what did I actually keep - what survived being squeezed through the 20 kg bottle-neck? The following exhaustive list is what I travelled with yesterday, as I flew back to England. After that, I'll list the stuff I have stored away my Dad's house and my girlfriend's house, giving you a complete list of my belongings.

Electronics

• Toshiba Satellite C850-1LQ laptop
• iPhone 4S smartphone
• iPod Touch (4th generation, 32GB) with a cracked screen
• Tripod for iPhone/iPod
• Nikon D40 SLR camera + 18-55mm lens
• Canon Vixia HF R200 HD camcorder
• Audio Technica AT2020 microphone + Behringer PS400 phantom power supply
• Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 8.0 tablet + bluetooth keyboard
• 1TB Matsunichi portable external hard drive
• 1TB Buffalo Ministation portable external hard drive
• Wacom Bamboo MTE-450A graphics tablet
• Sennheiser HD201 headphones
• Two 4GB RAM. These came with my laptop, but since I replaced them with 8GB upgrades, I don't need them. I've kept them anyway in case I can sell them.
• 16GB memory stick
• Cheap Acatel mobile phone. I bought it in England last year, when I didn't have an iPhone.

Clothes

• Warm and thick coat with a fur hood - perfect for surviving the Canadian winter.
• Leather jacket
• Around seven t-shirts
• Around five shirts
• Three pairs of jeans
• Four to five jumpers
• Two pairs of gloves
• Nathaniel Cole raffia-style hat, somewhat crumpled
• Two beanies
• Tom English suit, which I've worn once, to a job interview. Incidentally, it was job I was eventually fired from.
• Pyjamas
• Sleep mask
• Sunglasses
• Nike trainers
• Gym shorts
• Swimming stuff: trunks, swim cap and goggles

Toiletries

• Three toothbrushes
• Earplugs
• Two tablets of Viagra
• 20-30 condoms
• Melatonin
• Synthroid
• Digestive enzymes
• Sunscreen
• Hugo Boss aftershave (which I never use)
• Electric shaver
• Nail clipper
• Container box for pills

Documents

• Passport
• Plane ticket
• Canadian tax documents, because you have to do your own taxes in Canada
• Cheque book from my Canadian bank
• Copy of lease for old Canadian apartment, because my girlfriend and I ran off without paying the next month's rent.
• Cards: bank cards, driving license, student card, Canadian health insurance card, Montreal metro pass

Other

• Glasses + case
• $1,790 in Canadian dollars
• £1.95 (which was 25p too little for a bus ticket to travel from the airport to my parents' house)
• Two wallets (Why two? Because I bought one two days from Barcelona)
• A book called Les Taules de l'Olívia
• Another book called Swankypants, featuring a cat who goes on magical adventures
• Passport-sized photo of my girlfriend
• Guitar picks and capo

In the loft

If I'm going to go the whole hog and list all my belongings, then I shouldn't neglect to mention the junk I have in my dad's loft:

• Work and certficates from school and university
• Gamecube + SSX 3 + Timesplitters Future Perfect
• The N64 game Pokemon Snap
• River Island leather man bag
• External hard drives (500GB and 1TB)
• My old diaries
• Royal Mail bag and uniform (which I kept after my old postman job; illegally, I presume)
• £1.40
• Various books:
  • Smacking my lips (Michael Rosen)
  • The Classic Tradition of Haiku
  • A fantasy-themed adventure gamebook from my childhood called Steeleye and the Lost Magic
  • Killer Puzzles: Titus o'Skinty's Gruesome Game Show
  • Mccoy's British Massage Parlour Guide
  • Diet Intervention and Autism
  • Autism as a Metabolic Condition
  • A level maths books (x2)
  • Bright Body (poetry book)

In Spain

Just to be OCD about it, I'll also mention that I left a few things with my girlfriend in Spain, to avoid going over the airline's luggage limit. This stuff is:

• Swissgear backpack
• A few books. There's one called He-man and the Memory Stone, as well as another copy of Steeleye and the Lost Magic I bought in Canada.

Conclusion

Of course, these are only my physical belongings. I also have my wordly wisdom, knowledge, fantastic memories, and loving girlfriend and family, but none of which I give a shit about unfortunately. No, the only thing keeping me from hanging myself is the £14,000 of money I have in bank accounts, which I've been hoarding like a squirrel ever since the day I was born.

I also have a shit-tonne of files on my laptop, which technically weigh nothing at all, because an empty laptop weighs the same as a full one. Yep, thanks to today's technology, I was able to carry the equivalent of the British Library in ebooks onto the plane with me, as well as an entire HMV store's collection of music, and a spunk-encrusted hard drive of porn.