The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Birth

I was born in Birmingham in 1987. This was the year Maggie Thatcher was re-elected Prime Minister for a third term and Black Friday wiped out a quarter of the stock market. But I didn't care because I was too busy being cute and adorable.

School

Unsurprisingly I went to the local primary school, where I had a pretty sweet time in all. But it was at my secondary school where all my troubles began. When the time came to choose a secondary school, my parents encouraged me to try for a grammar school, where I had to pass an IQ test to get in. This was Bishop Vesey Grammar School, and I had a shit time there, because I didn’t fit in with the other kids. I was geeky and strange. Somehow, my weird personality hadn't been so noticeable in my primary school, but at Bishop Vesey, no-one liked me, and I had no friends, wah wah wah.

University

I survived seven years at Bishop Vesey, and the next step was university. For me, going to university was a no-brainer, simply because I was secretly scared of joining 'the adult world' as I still felt about 12 years old inside. My degree was Biology and Environmental Science and Technology, and I’m still not sure what the degree title even means.

I finished my degree in mid-2008, and at the worst possible time. The credit crunch was in full swing and it impossible to get a job, even at fucking Asda or Argos. So I stayed at home for a long time. At first this was great, because it meant I could play video games all the time, and didn't have to pay for anything. Yet I began to despise my situation and my dependence on my parents. I was 21 years old, and still slept in a bunk bed with my brother. I never went out socialising because I still didn't have any sodding friends.

Bournemouth

I tried to think of a job I was capable of doing, then I realised I could be a postman. "Yes!" I thought. "All that involves is walking! And I can definitely walk. I've been walking since the age of two." I applied for a position in Bournemouth, since it was near the coast and I wanted to live near a beach.

Yet I found being a postman quite hard. I was always worried about getting bad knees from all the walking, and I had a strange muscle tightness in my right side because of riding an overloaded bike so often.

And I still had no friends (have you noticed a pattern yet?), nor a girlfriend. In fact, I hadn't had a girlfriend since the age of 11. I began to realise there may be something wrong with me. I was somehow different to everyone else. I had an epiphany that I might be slightly autistic (my brother had already been diagnosed with autism). So I scoured the web for a 'cure' to autism, and found recommendations for a gluten and casein-free diet, which I'm still on today. I feel I've experienced some improvement in my social skills, though admittedly it all may just be a placebo effect.

Canada

My next plan to get a girlfriend was to become cool. After all, girls like cool guys. And in my mind, there were only three surefire ways to become cool: play guitar, own a motorbike, or go travelling. So I quit my postman job and went to Canada.

Specifically, I chose to live in Montreal because it gave me the opportunity to learn French. Finding a job was tricky though: for me, it was like the credit crunch all over again. I couldn't even get a job as a supermarket shelf-stacker, because I couldn't speak French. So I started working for myself, by giving private English lessons and by ghost-writing essays for students.

After a few months in Montreal, I started going out with a Spanish girl, who I've been with ever since. Finally, my dream came true! I had a girlfriend!

But with one problem solved, another one surfaced. I felt tired and rundown every day. It was as though I was always slightly ill. I was certain I had a health problem, but my girlfriend kept retorting I was a hypochondriac. So out of desperation, I booked a wide and expensive range of medical tests at a private clinic. A few days later, the nurse phoned to reveal what I already suspected: I had hypothyroidism. The condition basically means that without medication, I have little energy to do anything, and I suffer from difficulty concentrating, mind fog, and other delightful symptoms. I reckon I've had hypothyroidism since puberty, and it goes some way to explain why I was so different to my classmates all those years ago.

The doctor prescribed medication which I now have to take for the rest of my life. But my dosage still isn't high enough yet and I still have the symptoms. The dosage has to be increased slowly to avoid going over and becoming hyperthyroid.

Finally, a few weeks ago, I came back to Europe with my girlfriend, because our Canadian visas expired. We plan to go live in Ireland next, where she'll work as a video games tester, and I'll try to become a private translator.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I’d say I’ve had a relatively shit life so far, mainly due to having undiagnosed hypothyroidism for (presumably) the last fifteen years. This could explain why I felt different to my peers as a teenager and early adult. I’ve been the strange weirdo who no-one likes nor understands. It’s not my choice to be like this; my single life goal is to be normal (my secondary life goals are to have lots of sex, and to own the house from Packard Bell Navigator). I’ve always believed my life so far hasn’t yet been my ‘real’ life, and my real life is yet to start, which is a pretty depressing idea.