Dear Diary. We're eating lunch at Girlfriend’s mom's house. "I'm on a diet," I say to my brother-in-law's girlfriend, Judith. "I'm going on holiday in a month without Girlfriend, without the kids and I want to look good. So I'm on a diet."

"What kind of diet?" she asks.

"Well," I say, "I can eat whatever I want during meals, but then I don't have any snacks between meals." And as I'm saying this, I'm pile a huge mound of mashed potato and tuna onto my plate.

She looks at my huge plate of food and laughs. "I don't think your diet is going to work if you do things like that," she says.

"Yeah, well, it's only been two days and I've already lost two kilos," I say.

My girlfriend spins around and asks, "Really? Is that true?"

And I say "Yeah, it's true. Except the two kilos I've lost, that's just the weight of the food that I'd normally eat but I haven't eaten."

"Where did you get your diet from?" asks Judith. "Like, from a website?"

"No, I just thought of it myself," I say, as I heap another pile of mashed potato and tuna onto my plate.