Dear Diary. Today I got up, went to the toilet, started doing a wee, and 4-year-old came in the bathroom and started slapping my bum like he was playing the drums. Then he stuck his head between my legs. "4-year-old!" I shouted "I'm going to get wee on your head, be careful!" I almost weed on his head but he pulled his head back out.

I felt pretty bad today. My muscles are sore and aching. It's because I've started a diet. I want to lose weight for my Ibiza holiday next month. I need to lose around five kilos. But I've never been on a diet before so I'm not sure how it works. I've stopped eating snacks and I felt hungry yesterday and today. I feel weak from lack of calories. My body doesn't know what's going on. I feel tired and lethargic. And this is just day one of the diet.

I went to the indoor climbing centre, I managed to climb a bit despite feeling tired. In the afternoon we went to an outdoor swimming pool. The pool was really cold and it turned 4-year-old’s lips blue. When I went to the toilet, I forgot my shoes, and so I was walking around barefoot in this grimy, dirty toilet with puddles of piss on the floor.

When I saw myself in the mirror, I noticed that my hair looked exactly like Hitler's hair. I have Hitler's hair. Girlfriend says my hair doesn't look so bad.

My hair has been slowly growing since I had the hair transplant six months ago. For the first couple of months, there was no hair. For the next couple of months, I looked like Charlie Brown. For the next two months, I looked like Tin Tin. And now my hair looks like Hitler's hair. So I haven't been too successful so far.