Dear Diary. I'm on a diet. My goal is to lose five kilos in the next month. So for lunch, I served myself a massive portion of chickpea salad.

Girlfriend was looking at me and I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking I'm supposed to be on a diet.

"I have to eat a big portion or else I'm going to be hungry later," I explained while shovelling food into my mouth. "Because, you know, I'm on a diet."

"Wait," said Girlfriend. "That doesn't make sense. Being hungry is part of doing a diet."

"Yeah, well, I don't like that part," I said. "Feeling hungry, I mean. So I'll just do a diet where you don't feel hungry."

She looked at me sceptically.

Later, I came home from the gym and pulled out an ice cream from the freezer.

But Girlfriend saw me. "What are you doing?" she asked, "I thought you're on a diet?"

"I am," I said. "But I've just done some exercise so I need the calories. So it's an exception."

She raised her eyebrows but said nothing.

And even later, she caught me eating a big bowl of frozen berries. "What's that for?" she asked, referring to the bowl of food. "You didn't just do some exercise?"

"It's part of my diet," I said. "I can eat fruit between meals."

I've made this diet up myself which probably explains why it doesn't make sense.

I always thought diets were easy. You just stop eating - what's hard about that? As I write this, I'm eating a biscuit.