Fuck you, Windows update
Don't let your computer restart. Never ever ever ever. Because if you do, Windows will have an insidious opportunity to install updates. And you don't want that to happen, because your computer will turn into a paperweight for an hour and there'll be nothing you can do about it. Tough titties.
You could argue that "Updates are to fix flaws, and to stop hackers and from getting into your computer". But then you'd be a namby-pants sissy, and what, do you want to marry Microsoft or something? I always disable my automatic updates, because I like to live dangerously. Plus, I've had no problems - a grand total of zero Nigerian hackers have access to my computer (at least, not that I know of... *cue spooky music*).
So there's no reason for these updates, at least not that I can see. So fuck off, Microsoft, with you self-aggrandizing "important" updates that improve my experience by diddly-fucking-squat.
This is what I suggest you do, gentle reader. Do yourself a favour and stop Windows from automatically installing its updates. Open Windows Update, click Change Settings, then choose Download updates, but let me choose when to install them.
This will stop that annoying pop-up which says "Windows can't update important files and services while the system is using them". I hate that message. It might as well say, "We want to restart your computer. Is now a good time? If not, we don't care. Please select an option or else we're gonna restart your computer anyway. And if you're away from your computer right now and haven't seen this message, then tough titties you bastard, we're gonna restart this bad boy and close any files you have open, without saving them first". I always selected "remind in 4 hours", though there should be an option that says "remind me in eternity, you cunt".
Better yet, choose Check for updates but let me choose whether to download and install them:
This way Windows won't download updates at all, and that way there'll be no updates to install if your laptop does restart. Because I hate that hour-long loading screen while Windows installs its updates. I could be watching porn, and instead, I'm watching a static orange screen and a little circle going round. Go away, little circle, and let me see a blowjob instead.
I'm angry specifically because of an incident last night. I made the mistake of letting my laptop's battery get too low, and as I ran to get the charger, the battery completely ran out of juice. "Noooo!" I cried, like an 80s action hero. The computer had to boot up, and of course, it decided to take advantage of this by installing its flipping updates. It didn't even ask me. It didn't say, "Paul, this looks like a good opportunity to install some updates, but instead, would you prefer to use the computer in the next three hours?"
And that's not even the worst part. Because after installing its fucking updates, it then said "Updates could not be installed" or some cack and uninstalled the updates! And inexplicably, the uninstallation process took even longer than the installation did.
But even that's not even the worst part. No siree. Brace yourself, because there's worse to come. Once Windows had uninstalled the updates, the computer restarted. And as it was booting up, Windows tried to uninstall the same updates again! The computer was stuck on an endless loop of trying to uninstall the updates, giving up, then trying again. I could do nothing but watch helplessly. Each loop took 40 minutes. It had looped three times before I called it a night and went to bed.
Luckily today my laptop is fine. The cause transpired to be a plugged-in external hard drive. Apparently you're not supposed to have anything usb-related plugged into your computer while it's updating. How was I supposed to know that?
After my laptop had actually loaded, I still had to try to figure out what files I'd lost and shit. Not to mention that once my computer does eventually boot up to the login screen, it runs slow as fuck for the first ten minutes or so while I try to reopen all my programs and internet tabs. Don't expect to do any work on it while it's still waking up, because you'll be left waiting for ages as the laptop struggles to do the simplest of tasks, like open Microsoft Paint.
So my take-home message is: please fuck off, Microsoft, with these fucking updates!
Update
In 2018, I said the final "fuck you" to Microsoft and moved over to Linux instead. I will no longer have to see the Windows update screen ever again.
And on the whole, I'm happier with Linux than Windows. While Linux isn't without its own share of problems, at least it's less annoying than Windows. Updates in Linux happen in the background for example, so there's no need to restart your computer. THANK FUCK.
If you want to join me and switch to Linux too, then I recommend getting the 13.3-Inch Star LabTop. It comes pre-installed with the latest version of Ubuntu, which is the most popular Linux operating system. It's the perfect way to say "fuck you" to Windows.
Comments
2022-10-27 htorley
On top of that, the mouse was flipping around and misspelling stuff when I tried to type - dropping letters, adding letters, etc.. Only seems to happen when I post things against Microsoft's interests. Go figure. Not only that, Edge gives me old news from like years and years ago, pulling up old stuff in searches. Nothing new or relevant to today, as you'll notice by the order it was added here.
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2022-10-27 htorley
So I tried to post something using Edge, which is slanted (to whoever is paying them off at the time), and am Tried posting using Edge on a topic, then wouldn't post cause it doesn't meet their guidelines. So I removed relevant info including my take on the topic until the entire opinion was gone. So what was the point? I decided to search as many FU Microsoft sites as possible. Microsoft was clearly in cahoots with a Republican newsfeed that prevented my original opinion from posting. So a lie that Dems control news.Duh.
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2015-04-14 Coco
Fuck the fuck off Microsoft!!! FUCK!! I can't undo all this shit. Fuck , I can't even get my viewer back. Hell, I can't even find it in the fucking system anymore!! I WISH I had the money and I would buy every fucking apple product right now. FUCK!!!! I'm totally screwed and worse yet, I can't fix the thing. I got diddley and there' no solution I can find. FUCK YOU Microsoft. Other than that, my day's pretty good. Thanks for listening!
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2015-09-09 Jordan
Hilarious article man. I couldn't agree more, this is in all honesty the one thing which makes me want to throw a chair through a window and not give a shit that I have to spend 100$ to replace it.
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2016-08-18 bob
this is why isaid fuck windows and became a happy linux fanboy
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2017-01-01 xxd
You are actually lucky as fuck. In the last two years I've had forcible installs cause my machine to blue screen at least five times. The blue screens happen before I've got a chance to go into safe mode to try to install whatever shit microshaft have put on my machine. Three of the five times somehow eventually the blue screens worked themselves out and uninstalled whatever shit was there but I was without my machine for days. Two of the five times I had no choice but to do a factory reset. Fuck fucking microsoft. Now I have no updates installing and yes I know it's a security risk but fuck microsoft. I will deal with hacking myself.
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2017-11-25 Hfarchitect
OMG!!!! LMFAO ROTF!!!! I have seldom laughed so intensely and been equally frustrated when reading sinething. Like experiencing a post traumatic flashback. This is what being a Nam Vet must be like... I abandoned Apple because of their post Jobs era cluster fuck shitty bloated OS bullshit. Been super happy as a Win guys again until Windows 10! Freakin ridiculousness!
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2017-12-17 karl
Fuckin "A"
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2017-12-17 karl
I just bought a "tiny pc" from lenovo. It ran great for about a day, now after updating every day it runs like crap. I'm resetting it today and turning off their updates.
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2017-12-31 Maxine
Yep, I agree 100%. All the instructions I find on how to disable the updates do not work for me. I hate their forced updates because they interfere with my ability to work. I have to arrive at my office very early just to make sure my computer will be available for work when I turn it on.
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2018-01-04 Neil Prague
Brilliant piece - very funny but oh so true. The stupid thing is that once in a blue moon Microsoft DOES release an update which fixes an OS bug, but doesn't tell you this. Instead, all updates are passed off as "important" or "security" which, as Paul rightly says, make no difference to the average user's computer and in some cases cause problems of their own. Remember the one in 2017 that stopped Outlook opening most attachments? Hardly an incentive to download the damn things, is it? If I remember correctly, XP downloaded and installed updates while your computer was still up and running. Why can't we have that now?
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2018-01-22 bananaman
This is the only honest. sensible thing I have read about Microbollocks. I just spent two days trying to get my Cortana to work using a myriad of suggestions from the Geek dark web and so, to test my success. I typed in 'fuck you microsoft' and got this............hahaha..........priceless.
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2018-01-24
I am looking "Getting Windows Ready Don't turn off your computer" right now. Fuck Windows 10.
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2018-02-06 hans andersen
Microsoft can´t be trusted - I can´t even stop the fucking updates, when I try the stupid thing want´s to update - can´t get rid of the kb2267602, I run win-8.1 cause I was tricked into updating win-8 and I had to fight to stop updates for the win-10, I don´t want that spying bullshit, it seems that the only solution is to go back to factory-settings win-8 now and then.?! - my Macbook is going to run again, 4sure, (same lousy bullshit in a different way) Why the hell does everyone have to be an egghead-data-nerd just to use a pc? ..do this, do that, download this, install that, find this and that, click this and that, go here and go there.. ? -nothing but trouble and a fucking waste of time.. I HATE COMPUTERS AND THE GREEDY ASSHOLES BEHIND THAT STINKING PILE OF MONEY THEY MAKE EVERY FUCKING DAY ON YOU AND ME.! ..sorry about the spelling and my "french", I´m a redhead Dane and pissed of big time.! p.s. - no wonder IBM gave the DOS for free to that Bill Gates-asshole, fucking traitor of humanity.. ..have a nice day H.A.
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2018-02-27 AG
You wrote this in 2015. Not a goddamn thing has changed. FUCK YOU MICROSOFT. And fuck Bob Saget too.
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2018-03-15 Dura
I was doing a fucking Windows 7 update ... been able to avoid it for a year ... and have been at it for two fucking hours now ... What a piece of shit... I'm pissed off at my Apple products right now and have been toying with moving back to Windows as my 'go-to' but after today I don't fucking think so. What a fucking disaster the Update process is.
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2018-04-16 ronnie
sick stupid fucking updates you try do something kicks in arsholes
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2018-06-13 An Smith
Agree with every thing said above about f#@$%$#@#g updates so frustrating slows pc down sticks on 100% completed forever.Screw the crap.
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2018-07-23 Pete
Because this problem is experienced by everyone, and for such a long time, we can conclude Microsoft knows about it very well, but has chosen to do nothing about it. I've been dealing with this company's lousy practices and software for over 30 years and it's getting worse lately if that's even possible. There's a new reason to hate this company sometimes every day as you discover more of the idiotic ways in which their products behave. Looking forward to retirement from this I.T. job when I won't touch Windows again. If something only runs on Windows, then I simply won't be running it. When someone asks for computer help, I'll say, "Sorry, I don't do Windows, but will be glad to install Linux for you."
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2018-07-24 Slayer
^This! Windows updates and on Windows 10 - FORCED updates and worse yet, in-place upgrades larger than a few patches and DANGEROUS! Time consuming, ALWAYS an inopportune time, shuffles your data around while upgrading, takes hours, exports and re-imports registry keys which if are encrypted will be corrupted, software will suddenly become incompatible and won't launch, drivers from WU will BSOD your computer, etc... this list will go on and on! FUCK YOU, MICROSOFT, FOR THIS SHIT! This crap with these rolling releases and forced updates should be illegal (not even joking)!
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2018-09-06 Joe
And again, this FUCKED UP MICROSOFT UPDATE SHITCRAP once again does not work, and i find myself again wasting hours and hours of precious lifetime for fixing this stupid companies crap. I am working with computers intensly for 35 years now, this windows crap gets worse every version since Windows XP. I am managing a few hundred linux servers, NEVER EVER did i have a problem updating one of those boxes that took me more then 10 minutes troubleshooting, and even this is very rare and happens once in a while on some boxes with unclean config and mix of packages and manully installed software. On the 20 or so windows servers and maybe 30 workstations i manage, every week at least one of those shitboxes has any serious windows update troubles. GET THIS RIGHT YOU FUCKED UP MICROSOFT ASSHOLES!!!!
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2018-11-22 DICK
No fucking shit. I've spent days now trying to fix this stupid bullshit - literally BULLSHIT. EVERY SINGLE OPTION EVEN FROM MS (MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS OF THE FUCKING BRAIN!) DOESN'T WORK. EVERYTHING YIELDS NOTHING. HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE THOSE ASSHOLE THAT FUCKING STUPID???????? I WANT TO GO BACK TO APPLE OS' IT'S 1,000,000,000 X BETTER ALTHOUGH I WAS ON 10.5.8 LAST. I HEAR 10.10 IS SHIT TOO AS WELL AS THEIR PRO APPS THAT AREN'T SUPPORTED AT ALL ANYMORE. THESE FUCKING CROOKS ARE JUST THAT - FUCKING CROOKS! NO WONDER WHY THEY ARE AS RICH AS THEY ARE - THEY SELL SHIT AT TOP $, DON'T SUPPORT IT OR CHARGE YOU UP THE ASS FOR SOMETHING THAT NEVER SHOULD BE HAPPENING IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE! THEY FUCKING DO THIS SHIT PURPOSELY MAN. FUCKIN' CROOKS!
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2018-11-22 Paul Jones
Did you try reinstalling Windows from a USB stick?
2019-01-14 CJ
Thank you SO much for this post. I was getting ready to punch a hole in my wall waiting for the effin update to finish, then your post made me laugh and gave me a solution to avoid the next MFing update. Hope you a wonderful f$^cking day.
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2019-07-11 Reality Bites
Microsoft and religion have a lot in common... wasting time while waiting for something good to happen. Think about the amount of time microsoft as an inept company have wasted world wide.
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2020-02-03 Noisy Me..
There is an option.. Switch to Linux Mint 19.3.. It's three times better than that piece of shit windows floating-turd pile of vomit... I changed all my computers Linux Mint 19.3.. Now those mindless soulless coke-damaged asshole zombie microslop maggots can't steal my data for their NSA contract.. NSA owns and operates Adobe, and grate's nuts.. When grate's storm virus hits the Web it will destroy every net-connected windows OS globally in a minute, thereby erasing all the little peoples business records, and electronic data treasures.. I will be like Hell paid them a visit... The whole world needs to switch to Linux Mint ASAP NOW.. My computer got hit by StormVirus 3-times.. It destroys the hard drive.. I mailed the three wrecked hd's to a university lab.. They told me the criminal signed his crimes.. Switch to Linux Mint ASAP.. It's free, and perfect, and doesn't insult nor abuse the user.. and there's no more asinine microslop sewage to piss you off and molest lick your arsehole and balls daily... Last time that little floating-turd hack-attacked my computer, I quickly clicked up a file, and keyed GET PAMPERS!, then he destroyed the OS and hard drive.. I lost nothing as everything was in daily CD backups.. Plus I always have 50-computers as standby's.. I could toss out 20-computers to the gold-recycler, and not even give a shit, and have many times, but the poor people can't afford to do that... Kick fucking asshole microslop out of your home and life forever.. https://linuxmint.com/edition.php?id=274 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHIV0hw049M
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2020-02-03 Noisy Me..
I need to add: Microslop goes bankrupt with Apple within 18-years because they are all such fucking bully moronic mindless soulless godless loveless fucking assholes,.. Linux Mint is what put those fucking cocaine-damaged mindless soulless hell-bound pieces of zombie maggot-shit in the grave... Microslop is blood-sucking soul-eating bum-fucking dic-licking baby-eating vampires having fun hurting innocent people... They are all hell-spawn demon-possessed.. Hell is their home...They crawled up and slithered up from Hell itself... Get Hell out of your life by switching to Linux Mint today... Buy a Toshiba external hd to store your valued data on... You'll be glad you did... I have 7-external hd's.. When an OS so much as hiccups or twitches wrongly, in goes the install disk, and I refresh the OS to clean.. I never loose anything, not even a pixel of my treasures... If windows won't let you install Linux, download DBAN, make the ISO CD, save your data, PW's, favourites, pix, notes.. Restart with DBAN CD in the slot, key-in 'autonuke', click enter.. It kills everything on the hd...
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