The primary school I attended was Birches Green Junior School. I still have a load of stuff from school gathering dust in my parents' loft. Here's some of it.

School contract

Here's a contract we had to sign on our first day of school. If we didn't sign it then we'd get sent home, presumably with two broken legs. And if we ever broke the contract then the school's team of lawyers would sue us for our entire pog collections.

I have some issues with this contract. First of all, the third and fourth points are "be honest" and "be truthful". Surely these points mean the same thing? "Be polite" and "be well mannered" are also very similar. Mr Gospel must have been drunk when he wrote this.

And I'm not sure I agree with being forced to "say only pleasant things to everyone". It reminds me of that creepy story "It's a Good Life", where if you become upset or angry, a three-year-old boy sends you to "the cornfield" where you have to watch reruns of The Voice for eternity.

What if Clark Cluley jabs me in the side with a pencil, as he often did when I was a ten-year-old boy? Am I meant to say, "Thank you for jabbing me with a pencil, Clark. That felt really nice. Please continue jabbing me while I complete this school work." Or what if an armed killer comes into the school? Am I meant to say, "Please come in and let me show you where all the children are. And let me make you a cup of tea while I'm at it, as I bet killing children must be a thirsty business."

School layout

Here's a plan of the school that we were made to draw during our final week. I made sure to put loads of detail just in case I ever wanted to go back and steal Mr Gospel's car.

Achievements and disappointments

Here's a form we had to fill in each month called "Achievements and Disappointments". You had to write down at least one thing you'd done that month that you were proud about and one thing you'd done that you were disappointed about. I wanted to write "I'm disappointed in the teaching standards here" but they wouldn't let me.

You can see that for March I wrote "I am not good at English because my sentences are a bit gory". Surely that's not a good attitude to have. If Stephen King had had that attitude then he wouldn't have become the multi-trillionaire he is today.

And how come we weren't allowed to write the ways in which our teachers disappointed us as well? I could have written how disappointed I was when a teacher left the school without giving me a plant even though she gave other people one. Or how disappointed I was when Miss Darby failed to stop Clark Cluley jabbing me in the side with a pencil, a case of blatant bullying if there ever was one.

Final Impressions of Birches Green Junior School

I also have something we were forced to write called "Final Impressions of Birches Green Junior School". It involved writing a summary of our time at the school - our final impressions if you will. What I wrote was surprisingly lengthy and candid. Here's what I wrote:

My first teacher was Miss Hetherington. I was nervous at the start because I had got used to the Infants. I used to look up at the Year 6's and think, "I wonder what it would be like to be one of them?" Now I know.

I can't remember most of Year 3 to Year 5 but I'll write everything. Like the detention I never had in Year 4 in Miss Welch's class. You see, I read a lot of Beano comics when I was young. I mean, a lot. I bought two every week. So when I saw Dennis the Menace drawing a funny picture of his teacher in class, I think you know what happened next. So when I had drawn it, I showed it to James D. He was my best friend after all. But when I showed it to him, he snatched it out of my hand and ran up to Miss Welch looking all smug. That's when I got my first detention. But I had no idea where I was supposed to go. So I just left it and nobody even noticed.

After that, I didn't want to speak to James D. So I became best friends with James E. We used to hang out with each other in the playground and play 'Faster James'. We all stood in a line and James pulled us along. We all shouted "faster James!" and that was how it got its name.

Meanwhile, everyone seemed to have girlfriends. I thought Jade was okay but I wasn't bothered when Richard started going out with her. I found out at Wednesday club as I was in line for sweets. I always went to Wednesday club to play Dungeons and Dragons with Jade's dad, though I didn't have a clue how to play it. He used to draw rooms on pieces of wallpaper and we had to roll dice and fight baddies. It was okay but I went off it in Year 5.

Our teacher was Miss Frost. She was strict and never laughed. I'm glad she isn't a teacher anymore and just does Fuzzbuzz. I had another teacher for Science and Longmans but I can't remember her name. She had long bushy red hair. She left at the end of Year 5. I felt sorry even though she hadn't given me a plant and she gave other people one. In merit awards that year I won for English and got a poetry book. My sister won too and got a book as well. As soon as she entered school in Year 3, it was living hell. I couldn't do anything without her grassing on me to my mom. She was like a secret spy.

I became a house official and that was something to be pleased about. I think it was because Miss Welch said "short but sweet" when I talked about myself. Everyone obeyed her. I got a badge to wear but I only wore it for a couple of days before I lost it. Luckily I found it again before Year 6.

Someone came up to me before the new term and said, "Are you having Miss Darby next year?" I said yes and he said something like "Good luck." But she turned out to be alright and the year was okay. I was nervous at my first merit assembly but after doing it once it was easy. The trips were fun, especially Bockleton when I hit Anthony in the head with an aerosol can, but I won't go into that. Well, that's it. Bye.

I'm surprised at my candidness, especially the part that says. "Our teacher was Miss Frost. She was strict and never laughed. I'm glad she isn't a teacher anymore".

I'm also surprised that I had the balls to write, "Someone came up to me before the new term and said, 'Are you having Miss Darby next year?' I said yes and he said something like 'Good luck.'" I'm shocked that Miss Darby didn't rip it up in front of my face and then force me to eat it as a punishment.

Certificate of Merit for the Creative Arts

I don't mean to brag, but in my final year at Birches Green I received a "Certificate of Merit" for "excellence in the Creative Arts".  This was probably the highlight of my life to be honest. It was all downhill from there on.

Here's a photo of me holding the certificate, as well as a certificate for being a house official. My name was even engraved on a trophy. I got to take the trophy home but I had to return it back to school the next day. I should have pawned it off instead. I could have got millions for it.

I also have a load of photos back from when I was a student at Birches Green, which you can find here.

Well, that's it. Bye.