Ironically, words like "bro", "buddy" or "mate" are only used by people who aren't my friend - to defuse awkwardness, or as a cheap attempt to create a social bond. Either that or the person wants something from me. Imagine the neighbour you only see when he wants to borrow your ladders. Suddenly he's all "Hey mate", asking how you've been for the last fifteen years, and of course, asking where your ladders are.

I wish people would stop using these words because they sound patronizing. So please refrain from calling me:

Buddy

Ever since I moved to Canada, I've heard 'buddy' often. If I hold the door open for someone, they're likely to pollute my ears with "Thanks, buddy". Canadians must be used to hearing the word but I find it patronising. If I step aside to let someone walk past and they say "Thanks, buddy", I feel like they're treating me as though I'm mentally challenged. Well, I'm not retarded and I don't need to be praised with a false acknowledgement that I'm their friend.

So don't call me buddy. I'm not your fucking buddy.

Bro

I'm not related to you, thank god, so I'm not your brother. One Turk I knew insisted that I somehow actually was his brother, explaining that friends are considered to be brothers in Turkey. Well, we're not in Turkey, you moron, and social convention dictates that you adhere to the customs in your local goddamn environment. I think he was just calling me brother in an attempt to get me to work for him for free. I don't speak to him anymore.

Sir

If someone calls me sir, there's usually trouble. Think of, "Sir, can you please step out of your car?" and, "Sir, judging by your puke on the floor, I think you've had enough to drink tonight". Authority figures use 'sir' as a polite way to make me to do something. Well, it's not polite. 'Sir' actually comes across as threatening. I don't like anything that's threatening, and that includes tarantulas, freak storms, and the word 'sir'.

'Sir' is also used by people working in customer service. Think of a store assistant limply asking "Can I help you, sir?" I understand this is the standard term for politeness, like ma'am, but it's too polite and it makes me sound like a slave-owner.

Pal

'Pal' sounds slightly threatening, like in "What's it to you, pal?" and "Hey pal, hands off my dame". It’s mainly used by angry sailors in old American films.

Mate

'Mate' is a British word that people use to grease the wheels of clunky social exchanges. Imagine a shopkeeper saying, "That's a pound please, mate". Here is the appropriate response: write him a cheque instead for the value of one pound, place the cheque on the floor, lower your pants and take a shit on it. Then hand him the shit-covered paper and reply "Here's your cheque... mate".