I recently left Canada after living there for several years. Yesterday I tried to send my remaining Canadian dollars from my bank account to my girlfriend's Spanish account.

But today when I tried to log into the bank's website, I received a message saying my account was locked and that I had to call a number. So I called the number, and the resulting conversation went something like this:

ME: Hi, I got locked out of my account.

GUY: Let me check your details. *Checks details* Sir, I need your reference number.

ME: What reference number?

GUY: SIR I NEED YOUR REFERENCE NUMBER.

ME: Um... I don't have one.

GUY: Then you have to go into your local branch to verify your identity.

ME: But I don't live in Canada anymore! My local branch is 7,000 miles away.

GUY: I can´t help you anymore. *Hangs up*

My girlfriend came home and I told her what happened. We had this conversation:

GIRLFRIEND: Call the branch.

ME: Nah I'll do it tomorrow.

GIRLFRIEND: Fuck that they have my money. Call them now.

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So I phoned the branch:

ME: Hi, is this my branch?

BRANCH: Yeah it is, but we can't do anything. Call the fraud prevention department.

ME: Oh ok.

I started recording the conversations at this point. Here's the recording for this conversation:

[audio mp3="https://www.pauljonesblog.com/img/originals/2015-09_phone-call-with-td-branch-1.mp3"][/audio]

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Then I phoned the fraud prevention department:

ME: Hi, is this the fraud prevention department?

MAN: Yes siree.

ME: Hi, I tried to login and it gave me an error so I phoned the phone number and some guy said I needed a reference number but I didn't have one so he got mad and he hung up.

MAN: Oh sorry about that. The reference number was in a text message we sent you.

ME: Oh, I didn't get the message because I don't have that phone number anymore. I left Canada six months ago.

MAN: Oh I see. Well we can't do anything. Only your branch can unlock your account now.

ME: Oh ok.

[audio mp3="https://www.pauljonesblog.com/img/originals/2015-09_phone-call-with-td-guy-2.mp3"][/audio]

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And I phoned the branch again:

ME: Hi it's me again.

BRANCH: You again? What are you calling us again for? You have to call the number we just gave you.

ME: Oh right sorry.

[audio mp3="https://www.pauljonesblog.com/img/originals/2015-09_phone-call-with-td-branch.mp3"][/audio]

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And finally, I phoned the fraud prevention department again:

WOMAN: How can I help you today, sir?

ME: Hi I tried to login and it gave me an error and blah blah blah so yeah.

WOMAN: Let me talk to my supervisor *talks to supervisor* Okay I will verify your identity by asking some questions. But if you get any questions wrong then my hands are tied.

ME: Okay question master, so hit me.

WOMAN: *asks a bunch of questions*

ME: *answers correctly*

WOMAN: Ok great. Anyway your account was frozen because someone tried to send money to Spain. It was the name of a Spanish woman. We thought it might be a scammer.

ME: No that's my girlfriend, I sent that payment to her.

WOMAN: Oh right. Sorry. We sent you a text message but I guess you didn't see it huh.

ME: Yeah I don't have that phone number anymore.

WOMAN: Oh right. Well you should be able to login in now.

ME: Great thanks.

WOMAN: Okay have a great day now.

[audio mp3="https://www.pauljonesblog.com/img/originals/2015-09_phone-call-with-td-woman.mp3"][/audio]

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In all, the problem took me three hours to fix, plus an immeasurable amount of severe emotional stress that will probably require me years of therapy to overcome.

What did my girlfriend have to say at the end of this? "You still owe me my money, Paul."