I've been thinking up ideas for Doctor Who for years. Years, I tell you. Some call me mad. Others say I need a doctor. But there's only one doctor I need, and his name starts with Doctor and ends with Who.

I really am obsessed with Doctor Who. I've seen all the New Who (not the Old Who though; that stuff's shit.) And in case you need further convincing, here's a webpage filled with my ideas for Doctor Who episodes.

The team of future incarnations of the Doctor

The Overseers of the Universe, or just the Overseers for short, are an all-powerful council of ancient gods that live outside the universe. They are all extremely old men with long white beards and ceremonial robes.

The Overseers protect the universe from grave threats, like their arch-enemies the Chronoscar Syndicate, a race of shape-shifting reptilian aliens set on destroying the universe.

The Overseers learn of a Chronoscar plot to kill the Doctor: on July 14th, 1789, at the height of the French Revolution, all the Doctor's enemies will converge on Paris to take over Earth, and while the Doctor's busy fighting, a Chronoscar agent in the highest tower of Notre Dame Cathedral will snipe the Doctor in both hearts with a high powered rifle, using a bullet that inhibits regeneration.

Only a special team with the right mix of skills has any chance of saving the Doctor. And what better team than... the Doctor himself? Cue a scene where the Overseers go around recruiting a team of Doctors, like in Marvel's What If? where the Watcher goes around recruiting heroes from the multiverse.

But these aren't just any incarnations of the Doctor. These are all future incarnations of the Doctor. These are all Doctors we haven't seen yet.

The team consists of:

• a Doctor who's a sad goth boy like Dream from Sandman. Ironically, even though he's just a boy, he's the oldest incarnation of the Doctor and claims to be two million years old. He's always brooding about the loss of his companions.
• a drunk Doctor played by Johnny Vegas. He wears a patchwork coat and smells of alcohol.
• a old jolly kind Doctor who offers cups of tea to people in the same way Tom Baker's Doctor offers jelly beans.
• a Doctor who wears a detective's outfit and uses deductive reasoning.
• a Doctor in a wheelchair, like Professor X from X-Men.

Though at first this team of disparate incarnations of the Doctor seem too different to work together, they learn to put their differences aside to stop the Chronoscar Syndicate, and in the end, they succeed in their mission by stopping the Chronoscar agent and fending off the aliens and monsters from Paris.

Now, however, the timeline has been changed, and the future will be different too. The future incarnations of the Doctor disappear. As they fade away, the five Doctors say goodbye to each other and think about how great it was to be the Doctor.

The credits roll on a instant classic episode.

Extra ideas:

Since they're from the future, the Doctors have had plenty of time to work out how to stop their enemies. One has a key fob that disables every Dalek in a hundred-metre radius: with the simple push of a button, all Daleks nearby power down. "Simple really. You can achieve anything when you've been alive for as long as I have." Another Doctor is able to shrink his Tardis down and carry it around in his pocket like a key chain. "The Master gave me the idea," he says. "Makes it more portable, wouldn't you say?"

The Doctor as a homeless man

We've seen the Doctor as working class (Christopher Eccleston) and middle class (all the other Doctors). Now it's time to see something different. Now it's time to see the Doctor as an alcoholic, drug-addicted homeless man.

This incarnation of the Doctor wears an eclectic mixture of homeless-man clothes, including a long, threadbare coat; trousers that are several sizes too large; a belt made of old copper wire; and shoes with holes in them. His eyes are covered in scabs and his feet have verucas. Also, he's suicidal and addicted to heroin.

The actor should have a thin face, a sad expression, and cheekbones you could cut yourself on. He needs to be handsome (to get fangirls watching) but also he must look like a heroin addict, and I'll admit it'll be difficult to find an actor who fits those two criteria. Perhaps, then, we should hire a handsome actor and then get him addicted to heroin, perhaps by sneaking it into his cornflakes every morning. After all, the best acting performances are those that are real. Imagine the Doctor going through real actual heroin withdrawal while they film the episodes. He'd be shaking and sweating and having abdominal pain! It'd be great and make for brilliant TV.

Anyway, so this Doctor is a broken man. He's gone through some kind of horrific trauma. I've narrowed down this trauma to two possible options:

• his favourite TV show, Trisha, was cancelled
• he settled down with a wife, had two kids, but then one night he forgot to put the guard in front of the fire, leading to a house fire that killed his wife and children, just like in Manchester by the Sea

Now he carries around a crippling sense of guilt, as well as a carrier bag from Lidl in which he keeps his cheap Lidl alcohol.

Not even the Tardis won't fly for him anymore. The Tardis is too disgusted by him.

The Doctor now lives on the streets, spending his days drinking the aforementioned cheap alcohol from Lidl and blacking out periodically.

Children as the Doctor's companions

Doctor Who is a children's show. Yet he has never had a child for a companion. Never. All his companions have been adults. (Actually, it's possible he has had children as companions, but I can't be bothered to check.)

If I ran the show (which currently, I don't), then not only would I make the Doctor into a homeless heroin addict, I'd also give the Doctor two children as companions. They'd be posh or middle class, to contrast with the Doctor, who's at the bottom of the barrel at this point in his life, and has gnarled fingernails and thinks about suicide on an almost hourly basis. These two children would have stupid middle-class names, like Tilly (aged 10) and Tarquin (aged 8).

Tilly and Tarquin feel sorry for the Doctor. They see him every day on their way to school (which is an expensive private school in London). To them, he's just a strange tramp who lives in the street. Little do they know he's actually a millennia-old Time Lord. One day, they say hello to Doctor and strike up an unlikely friendship. Maybe he uses some futuristic technology to impress them and they think he's a wizard.

But the dad of the two kids is a banker and twat called Mr Shrubs who doesn't like his kids spending time with a homeless man. He tries to give money to the Doctor to make him go away.

Mr Shrubs: "Here. There's ten thousand pounds here. Take it." (Mr Shrubs tries to hand the Doctor ten thousand pounds but The Doctor shakes his head.) "Take it!!" (Mr Shrubs throws the bag of money at the Doctor but the Doctor pushes it away) "If you don't want money then what do you want??!"

The Doctor: "I don't want anything. I just... I just want the nightmares to stop."

The Doctor, a lonely man with a head and heart full of demons, walks on towards another town, but then he hears screaming, and it's coming from Tilly and Tarquin's house. Frightened children's screams. A tug on his heart draws him to the house. He enters to find the house in disarray. There's a Slitheen ransacking the place. The doctor kills the Slitheen with vinegar from the kitchen.

"What the hell was that?" says Tilly. (She's only ten years old but she says 'hell'. Thrilling.)

On the news, there's an invasion of different aliens all across London. The Doctor has to find the hero in himself again and save the city. He regains the respect of the Tardis and can fly it again. Tilly and Tarquin become his companions. Tilly's only ten and Tarquin's younger still, at eight, making these the youngest companions on Doctor Who yet, but the Doctor should have children for companions for once because Doctor Who is a kids' TV show after all.

By the way, this Doctor never, ever smiles. He's too sad. Not smiling is his thing, man. It's what makes him stand out from the other doctors. Except he does smile in the last episode and everyone makes a big deal of it. Then he dies and the next reincarnation begins.

And the next reincarnation is something completely different, like a child's puppet.

The Doctor is in a TV show called... Doctor Who

There's an episode of The Twilight Zone episode called "A World of Difference", where an ordinary businessman discovers his life is fake: he's actually an actor on a production set making a movie. He's confused and disorientated and he just wants to back to his old life.

Thirty years later, Eerie, Indiana used the same idea, where Marshall's home is suddenly a sitcom set, and his character is destined for death in the script. Marshall has to somehow find a way to make everything right again.

I reckon this idea could be used for a Doctor Who episode.

So in my idea for the episode, the Doctor's Tardis is under attack from a Sontaran deathship. The Doctor is trying to pilot the Tardis around a star while sparks fly out from the walls.

"It's no good!" says the Doctor. "I can't lose them!"

"Doctor, what are we going to do?" says his companion.

Then a man shouts "Cut!"

One of the Tardis walls has gone. Now there's a film crew standing there.

"Great take," shouts the director. "Right, moving on to scene 3."

"What's going on?" asks the Doctor. "Who are you people?"

Everyone looks at him uneasily, unsure if this is a joke. Someone giggles nervously.

"Are you feeling alright?" asks one of the set assistants.

The Doctor reaches for his sonic screwdriver. He tries to turn it on but it doesn't work. It's just a toy prop.

"What's going on?" says the Doctor. He storms over to the Tardis doors and opens them. Behind the doors is just more of the production set.

The Doctor grabs a script out of someone's hands. On the page it says:

DOCTOR

It's no good! I can't lose them!

 

ASSISTANT

Doctor, what are we going to do?

It's the conversation he was having with his companion in the Tardis just a few moments ago.

"Yes, a rest...," says the Doctor, rubbing his head. "That sounds like a good idea. Forgive me, but which way was the exit?"

"It's that way. It's that door that says 'Exit'?"

"Thank you."

The Doctor walks through the doors. Behind him, we hear "Do you think he'll be alright?" and "Hey, he took my script!"

Instead of going home, the Doctor sneaks around the BBC studio, trying to figure out what's going on. Is he dreaming? Is this some plot devised by one of his enemies? Or is he really just an actor having a nervous breakdown?

Then, from around the corner, Daleks appear! The shell of one of the Daleks opens, but inside, it's just a dwarf. In fact, all the Daleks have dwarf actors inside them.

The Doctor leaves the BBC studios. He goes to a hospital where he performs an x-ray on himself and discovers he only has one heart. He's no longer a Time Lord. He's human.

The BBC keeps harassing him because he's due on set soon to shoot the next episode, called "Farewell". In fact, due to poor ratings, "Farewell" will be the last episode of Doctor Who ever.

And if this wasn't bad enough, the Doctor's set to die at the end of the episode.

Because it's the final episode, the BBC has gone all out. They've brought back some of the actors who played the previous Doctors and the Doctor's companions.

The Doctor tries to convince them that he really is the Doctor but no one believes him. No one except one person: Colin Baker, the actor who played the fourth Doctor.

"I believe the universe is a vast and strange place," says Colin. "And I believe you... Doctor."

Colin Baker agrees to help the Doctor get back home. But how can the Doctor escape this nightmare and return to his own reality?

On the day of the final shoot, everyone gathers to film the final scene: the scene where the Doctor dies. But the Doctor has a plan. Colin causes a distraction while the Doctor switches the scripts for new ones.

The actors read from their scripts. But the Doctor has changed the script so instead of of dying, he saves the universe instead.

He also gives a speech about trusting your instincts, about helping each other (he gives a wink to Colin Baker at this point), about the strangeness of the universe, etc.

"This isn't in the script," complains the scriptwriter.

"Shh," says the showrunner. "This is good."

It works and suddenly everything's restored: the film crew has gone and the Tardis is real again.

An episode with Ancient Egyptian gods

Okay, so how about this: an episode of Doctor Who set in Ancient Egypt, that features all the Ancient Egyptian gods: the jackal-headed Anubis, bird-headed Thoth, etc. It turns out the gods are actually aliens and the pyramid they're building is actually a spaceship to take them home.

Imagine a pyramid blasting off into space and try telling me that's not cool.

Return to the Game Station

The Doctor and his companions once again have to fight for their lives on board the Game Station. This time they have to participate in Floor is Lava (where the floor really is lava) and Countdown (where there's a bomb under your chair — if you fail to make a word of sufficient letters, the bomb detonates.)

Or, and hear me out right, why not have an episode set in Crystal Maze? Where the maze has turned deadly and there are dangers at every turn. And bring back Richard O'Brien for it. Go on. Do it.

The Doctor's companion turns into a weeping angel

The weeping angels are by far the best Doctor Who villains. I've been obsessed with them ever since they first appeared in Don't Blink. (There's something about that episode no one mentions though: how do you rent out a house that has four weeping angels in the basement? "To let: Three-bedroom house, quiet neighbourhood. Weeping angels trapped in the basement but will not cause an issue as long as the basement light is always left on, otherwise will come to life and go on a murderous rampage."?)

So in my idea for an episode, the Doctor and his companion find a bunch of statues in an underground cave system in Plymouth. The statues are of modern people from our time — they have trainers and Reebok trousers and iPhones.

"Who made all these statues?" asks his companion.

It turns out they're not statues but real people. The Weeping Angels have turned them into living statues that can only move when no one's looking at them.

Then the Doctor's companion is turned into a Weeping Angel. She has to find the cure while learning to live and function as a Weeping Angel. Whenever someone's looking at her, she's frozen, though she can still think and she's still aware of what's going on around her.

She befriends the other people who have been turned into Weeping Angels. They have to work together while trying not to look at each other.

It'd be great.

Don't Poo

Stephen Moffat told us "don't blink" ('Don't Blink'), "don't breathe" ('Deep Breath') and "don't think" ('Last Christmas'). Why not continue the theme? Here are some ideas:

• Don't sleep: In a knockoff of A Nightmare on Elm Street, the Doctor and his companion have to keep themselves awake or else die in their dreams. (Bring back the Dream Lord for this episode.)
• Don't poo: The Doctor's companion has contracted a deadly alien virus that will kill her if she takes a poo. So she has to hold it in until the Doctor can find a cure.
• Don't look: The Doctor and his companion are stalked by Laughing Demons, which are a creatures that are the opposite of Weeping Angels. You see, Weeping Angels can't move when you're looking at them whereas Laughing Demons can only move when you're looking at them. I'm not sure how this would work in real life. Probably you'd just have to keep your eyes closed.

It'd go something like this:

The Doctor has his hands over his eyes. "Keep your eyes closed," says the Doctor to his new companion.

"What? Why?" asks his companion.

"They can't move if you keep you eyes closed. They're the opposite of Weeping Angels. Laughing Demons."

"What? Angels? Demons? What?" His companion's confused. Then: "I can hear them... I can hear them laughing."

She's right. There's the sound of the cackle of evil laughter coming from nearby.

"Someone must have their eyes open," says the Doctor. "CLOSE YOUR EYES!" he shouts out. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CLOSE YOUR EYES!"

But it's too late. There's the sound of screaming and the tearing of flesh. Whoever had their eyes open is dead now. Oh dear. The Doctor and his companion have to run away, with their eyes closed, banging into walls and tripping over dead bodies. His companion falls over into a puddle of blood. She reaches out, trying to find something to hold on to, when her hand comes across the half-eaten face of a Laughing Demon victim. She shrieks in terror. The Doctor pulls her up by her arm. "This way!" he shouts.

They get to a locked door. "I'm really sorry," says the Doctor. "But you're going to have to open your eyes. I need you to enter the door code."

"Enter the door code? But what are you going to do?"

"I need to be in the other room to disable the magentic locks. I'll shout the code to you. Put it in as quick as you can. Don't open your eyes until you have to."

The Doctor leaves his companion. She's shaking, scared. "Right," says the Doctor. "The code is 381038 Theta Alpha 159. Did you get that?" He repeats the code to her. She's crying. Reluctantly she opens her eyes and starts punching in the code. She can hear evil laughter from around the corner of the corridor. She puts in the last digit, and curiousity gets the best of her and she turns to look behind her. There's a Laughing Demon right behind her, and it pounces, but the Doctor pulls her through the door just in time.

Etc.

Beatles episode

The Doctor travels back to the 1960s to protect The Beatles from shape-shifting, music-stealing aliens.

It's The Beatles. In Doctor Who. It's two things that are both great and British. So WHY hasn't this idea been done yet?

An episode where the Doctor is changed into a puppet

An episode where the Doctor and his companion are changed into cartoons/puppets/toys etc. Pretty much the Angel episode 'Smile Time'.

An episode set on Button Moon

It's an episode set on Button Moon. Mr Spoon's the Doctor's temporary companion for the episode. Someone contact the makers of Doctor Who and make this happen. MAKE IT HAPPEN NOW.

A musical episode

Buffy the Vampire Slayer had a musical episode, where the characters sang songs as if they were in a musical. This was the best Buffy episode ever.

Therefore it makes sense that Doctor Who should have a musical episode too. This would be the best Doctor Who episode ever.

However, there would be potential for this episode to be a bit cringy if not done correctly, which is why Joss Whedon should be brought on to help write the script and the songs. I’m sure he could find some time between all his other projects to help with Doctor Who.

The kind of songs that needs to be included include Cherry Ghost - Finally (Time and Space Machine Re-Edit), which is already a Doctor Who song anyway because it has the words “time and space machine” in the title.

An interactive episode

Everyone likes interactive stuff (texting in, etc.) so why not make an interactive Doctor Who episode? I don't mean a choose-your-own-adventure episode like Black Mirror's Bandersnatch (though that's a good idea too). I mean viewers have to text in to affect the outcome of the show.

Imagine how epic it could be. The Doctor's in peril and his only hope is that he gets ten million viewers to show their support. Viewers can help the Doctor by texting into a premium rate number (All earnings go to charity. It could be for Children in Need.) or by pressing the red button on their remote.

Imagine it: the whole of Britain uniting to save the Doctor and defeat the Daleks in a level of national unity and celebration never seen since V-Day! It would be the single greatest event of our generation. Honestly.

The Doctor retires

"I'm going to retire;" says the Doctor. "Find a small quiet planet, settle down. Maybe get into painting. I've always wanted to paint."

So the Doctor retires to a far-off planet. He grows old and has a beard. He tells his stories about his adventures to the people in the village pub but they never believe him.

"Tell us another one of your yarns, Doctor," says one of the villagers, a big bearded man who bangs his ale on the counter, splashing some as he does so.

The Doctor is annoyed by their disrespect for him. "I used to save the universe," he grumbles.

"Of course you did," says an orderly. The Doctor is in an old people's home now. "Now now, it's time to go to bed," she says as she gently takes him by the arm.

"I used to have a spaceship."

"Of course you did, of course you did."

The Fun Lord

So we've had Time Lords, and we've had the Dream Lord ("Amy's Choice"). Now it's time for... the Fun Lord.

The Fun Lord is a sadistic clown who rules a virtual reality world, just like The Clown in Star Trek: Voyager's "The Thaw". (Which is, incidentially, where I've nicked the idea from.) The Doctor and his companion find themselmes trapped in this virtual world and are at the Fun Lord's mercy. Except he doesn't have any mercy. Because he's an evil sadistic clown.

They play games like:

• Swap the Doctor's head: The Fun Lord removes the Doctor's head and replaces it with a freakish gorilla one
• Ride the merry-go-round: A merry-go-round that spins faster and faster with each revolution, and which you can't get off
• Needles in your eyes: Giant pig-men stab needles in your eyes

And just as the Doctor plans to escape, the Fun Lord drains the Doctor of his intelligence, bringing the Doctor's IQ down from 547 to just 30. Imagine how horrific it'd be to see the Doctor reduced to a whimpering, drooling dum-dum. And then dressed in a baby's frock and bonnet and pushed around in a giant pram.

The Master turned good and played by Tim Curry

So the Master is played by Tim Curry, but Tim Curry circa Home Alone 2, which is impossible without a real-time machine, so we'd have to make do with an actor who looks like Tim Curry instead.

The Master has turned good now and he's travelling alongside the Doctor. The Master has his own Tardis (purple instead of blue), his own companion (a sweet eighteen-year-old girl who it's implied he's having sex with), and carries an antique Napoleonic-era flintlock pistol instead of a crummy sonic screwdriver. He's the Doctor but superior in every way, like Doctor Octopus as the Superior Spiderman to Peter Parker's regular Spiderman.

The Master dresses in different clothes each episode, and his clothes are really weird but also cool. Benin ivory masks, doublet and breeches, World War II leather jacket, 30th-century doublet, the King of Sweden Gustav III's masquerade ball mask, bowler hat, gas mask, Tudor ruff, ridiculously crazy hats. But he carries off these clothes with cool, total confidence and style. And you can always see his eyes. His cool, slightly-mocking eyes.

The Master's Tardis (purple instead of blue) not only travels in time and space but also travels across dimensions as well, so in this season of the show, the Doctor, the Master and their two young female companions travel across different dimensions, and for this reason the season is called Doctor Who: Dimensions. We're no longer constrained by having to set episodes in Earth's past,-present or future: now we can show alternative Earths. Earths such as:

• Steampunk Earth, where old and future technology combine
• Cartoon Earth, where everything and everyone is a cartoon
• Video game Earth, where everyone is trapped inside video games
• Underwater Earth
• Earth Earth, which is the Earth most like Earth

At the start it's never clear if the Master really has turned good or if he's secretly evil. At one point the Master throws a Japanese throwing knife at the Doctor's back but it hits, with a ka-chunk sound, a mechanical spider robot crawling on the wall. The Master has saved the Doctor's life.

The Master's able to cross moral lines the Doctor can't, like when a fleet of Daleks invades Earth, the Master just blows them up. He's not constrained by the Doctor's morality.

A giant Tardis

A giant Tardis in space. It's a thousand times bigger than the actual Tardis.

It turns out that it's actually just an ordinary spaceship built to resemble a Tardis on the outside. The reason it's built to look like a Tardis is to inspire fear enemies, or because the Tardis has become the symbol of a mighty warrior.

The Doctor creates hundreds of copies of himself using time travel

A giant spaceship (perhaps the one from the previous idea) us in danger and the Doctor needs to pilot it to safety. However, he can't do it all by himself. His solution is to do a task, then hop in Tardis and go back in time a few minutes. This allows him to do another task. Repeat and repeat and you soon have hundreds of copies of the Doctor doing various tasks at the same time.

In the end, there are hundreds of Tardises in neat lines with Doctors going in and out them.

"Cup of tea Doctor?"

"Don't mind if I do Doctor!"

"Why are you bothering to clean the ship?" demands one Doctor.

"I saw it and I just thought it needed cleaning!" says a Doctor in the cleaner's outfit. "I like a ship-shape ship."

One Doctor bumps into another and they both apologise. "What a nice man," says one of them as he walks off.

The Doctor interrupts a history lesson about himself

A history lesson in the future. The teacher is teaching a bored class about the feats of the Doctor. The lesson should be interesting but the teacher has a boring, droning voice that makes it utterly dull. Only one boy is listening keenly to the stories. The Doctor is this boy's hero. Then the Doctor himself appears at the classroom window. He enters the classroom and starts flipping through a history textbook about himself.

"That's wrong, that's wrong," he says as he flicks through the book. "I never did that with Queen Elizabeth. Gosh, don't I look young there! Oh, I remember that. But I haven't done that yet. Spoilers!"

"You can't be in here! This is a classroom!" says the old professor.

An episode about a boy who gets turned into a cyberman

The Cybermen turn an eight-year-old boy into a Cyberman, but the conversion process is halted prematurely and the boy's mind is still part human. He looks like a Cyberman but his mind his half-cyberman/half-human.

The Doctor says, "You're not human but you're not fully cyberman either. You're an in-between. Humans will fear you and Cybermen will want to destroy you."

The child is adopted and goes to a normal primary school. Funny scenes of the cyberman in class, e.g. the cyberman is covered in glitter.

Rude kid in the playground: "How far can you kick that ball?"

Cyberman: *Pauses while he calculates the trajectory* "I calculate 1098.23 metres"

Another kid: "Wow, show us!"

The cyberman kicks the ball far away into the sky. He gets in trouble with the teacher for using his cyber abilities in school.

The cyberman helps some kids defeat some bullies and after that, he gains some friends.

We learn that the Cyberman has emotions, from lingering shots of his still, unemotional face.

A future society unimpressed with the Doctor's technology

A future society unimpressed with the Doctor's Tardis.

When he proudly shows them the inside of the Tardis, they snigger and say: "It's a bit small in here, Doctor. Why isn't it bigger?"

"Time has moved on, Doctor. You're just a rambling old man in a box"

An episode set in an abandoned Tardis

A deep space mining crew come across a strange object floating in space. We, the audience, can see that it's the Tardis. Or at least, it's a tardis. Because this isn't the Tardis as we know it - all the lights are off and it's painted green instead of blue.

The mining crew don't know what it is though. "I'm detecting massive interference from chronoton particles," says one guy.

"Scan for lifeforms" says the captain.

"There's too much interference from the chronoton particles"

The mining crew venture inside for some reason.

They learn that time moves 1,000,000 times slower inside the Tardis than outside it, which is the reason no one ever comes out of it alive. Once you're inside, it will be hundreds of years before you come back out again, even though it will only seem like a few minutes to you.

"Our families are already dead." realises one woman.

Other exploration teams are in there too, still alive, including a great famous explorer who went missing thousands of years ago.

There are monsters in there too who have escaped from the Tardis's prisons. Terrible monsters that shouldn't exist. The Tardis is now a scary, deadly maze.

It turns out that the mining crew are on the Doctor's Tardis after all, and not some other Tardis. The reason the Tardis is green is that it's sick. That explains why the lights are off and why it's leaking chronoton particles.

Finally, the Doctor manages to repower the Tardis and take everyone back home to their own times.

A museum about The Doctor

The doctor finds a museum about himself. There's an exhibition of waxwork models of all the Doctor's regenerations, past, present and future. He takes a peek around the corner at the next incarnation of the doctor. "Oh, that's what I'm going to look like," he says. "I've always wanted to be ginger". (NOTE: The next Doctor would have to be ginger.)

Note: There's already a Doctor Who comic called 'The Forgotten' where the Doctor wakes up in a museum dedicated to himself. Here's a summary of the start of the story:

The Tenth Doctor wakes in a strange room, without the Tardis or the sonic screwdriver, with only Martha Jones for company. Together they explore the building, soon learning that it is a museum dedicated to the Doctor. [...] They enter a large room where the Doctor's clothes from nine of his previous incarnations are found, along with items he used during each incarnation, including jelly babies, a walking stick, a recorder and psychic paper.

The Doctor has to confront the fact that he does more harm than good

The Doctor meets an alien called "The Judge". The Judge is all-powerful and from above our universe. His race is to Time Lords what Time Lords are to humans. The Judge is able to change anything in time and space, regardless of fixed points or whatever the fuck else technobabble.

The Judge rarely intervenes in our universe. He only comes when he believes there is some great wrong to be corrected. This time, the Judge has come to stop the Doctor himself, because then he claims that the universe would be better off without the Doctor. The Judge argues that the Doctor fuels the hatred of the Daleks, encourages the Cybermen to make new weapons, puts Earth on the map for alien invasions, stunts the self-reliance of everyone in the universe, etc. Basically, the Doctor exacerbates evil in the universe, like the theory that Batman makes Gotham City worse instead of better.

"You're like scratching a rash," says the Judge. "You're temporary relief, but over time, you only make the problem worse."

The Judge leaves the Doctor a choice: to continue fighting or to have never have existed in the first place.

But in the end, it turns out the Judge is fake, and the whole thing is a plot devised by the Doctor's enemies to kill the Doctor.

"Of course you do good in the universe," says the Doctor's companion. "That's who you are. You're the Doctor."

Cue credits, the end.

The Doctor meets future regenerations of himself

The Doctor meets future regenerations of himself. They're a gang, and they refer to themselves as the number regeneration they are, e.g. "22", "39", "88". The leader is known as "100" and is played by Jonathan Pryce.

The Doctor befriends this gang of future versions of himself, even helping them to fight evil, but as time goes on, he learns that their real plan is to destroy all life in the universe. This is the only way to end all suffering, as 100 puts it.

The Doctor has to stop them, etc.

The realm of the weeping angels

There's a large ornate mirror through which you can see the realm of the weeping angels. There are lots of weeping angels flying around in white space, like this painting of heaven:

And some guy is planning to release all the angels out into our world for some evil reason.

A multi-Doctor threat

This episode introduces the Doctor's greatest threat yet. It's one he's been fighting across regenerations.

• First 15 minutes of the episode: David Tennant as the Doctor. He encounters a new bad guy known as The End. He looks like the devil and he wears a big horned helmet. The Doctor can't stop him. The End is more powerful than anything the Doctor has ever encountered. All the Doctor can do is trap him in a time lock for 1,000 years. "The End will be back," says the Doctor. "But not for another 1,000 years."
• Next 15 minutes of the episode: Matt Smith as the Doctor. 300 years have passed and The End is still in the time lock. Matt Smith muses that he still hasn't found a way to deal with The End and he doesn't know what he'll do when the 1,000 years is up.
• Peter Capaldi as the Doctor. 700 years have passed. The End is still in the time lock but cracks are starting to show. The Doctor still doesn't have a solution. He makes a recording where he apologises to his next regeneration for not finding a solution and for buggering things up.
• Cut to Jodie Whittaker as the Doctor. The 1,000 years have passed and now the time lock is open. The End is back and wants revenge. Only Jodie Whittaker's Doctor can stop him. BUT she's then joined by the other incarnations of the Doctor, and all four Doctors team up to take on The End.

An episode where the Doctor revisits events from previous episodes

Imagine Back to the Future Part 2 but as Doctor Who. The Doctor has to go back to key moments of his life without making changes and without bumping into his past self. Maybe the Master is going through his life and placing bombs or something, which the Doctor has to defuse.

Anyway, this episode is basically a chance to revisit previous episodes, like "Don't Blink", etc.

New regeneration every episode

Currently, the Doctor regenerates every three or four seasons. But that's stale. Viewers want something fresh. You have to keep viewers on their toes.

So I suggest a season where the Doctor dies and regenerates at the end of every single episode. As soon as one episode's almost finished, kill off the Doctor and have him regenerate. Repeat for all episodes. There are twelve episodes in a season, so we'd need twelve actors to play the Doctor. Every episode would feel fresh and exciting.

Who's playing the Doctor this week? Rowan Atkinson. And next week? Retired Aston Villa goalkeeper Thomas Sørensen. You see? You'd have no idea who's playing the Doctor next. Ratings would skyrocket.

Each actor only gets one episode, mind you. You don't want any of these actors to stick around. Unless they're really good at playing the Doctor, that is, in which case they're welcome to return to the role and stay for another five or six seasons. That's the beauty of it, you see. You're not just making Doctor Who episodes; you're also doing auditions to see who will become the Doctor for the next five years.

Also, one of the incarnations has two heads. One of the heads is played by Lee Mack and the other head is played by Lee Evans. Imagine it.

Johnny Vegas as the Doctor

Johnny Vegas would make a great Doctor. While his companions are coming up with a plan to defeat the latest alien invasion, Johnny Vegas's Doctor would be mumbling incoherently about how he used to be homeless and how his cat died in a well. Imagine the Daleks entering the Tardis, opening a cupboard, and finding Johnny Vegas crouched down inside, mumbling "Please don't hurt me. I'll give you some of me Asda Smart Price lager if you go away". It'd be brilliant.

His methods of dealing with enemies would be the following:

• Cybermen? Throw lager on them.
• Sontarans? Johnny Vegas would keep them distracted by talking about his hernia problems until he can get to the Tardis and escape.
• Slitheen? Give them a hug.

Robbie Williams as the Doctor

Quentin Tarantino revitalised John Travolta's career with Pulp Fiction. Now it's time for the BBC to do the same with Robbie William's career.

I admit Robbie Williams isn't the conventional choice for the Doctor. Conventionally the Doctor is an uptight, grey-haired middle-class prick, like a schoolmaster or Richard Dawkins. And that's why Robbie Williams would be so good as the Doctor. He's someone fresh. Someone new. He's a northern cheeky chappy, a Doctor we've never seen before.

Robbie Williams has the charisma, magnetism, and charm to play the Doctor. He's a natural entertainer.

And, most importantly, Robbie Williams has a lot of heart, which actually means he already is the Doctor. (Because anyone can be the Doctor. You just have to be kind.)

If Robbie Williams plays the Doctor, I would get up from the sofa and hug the TV. And that's saying a lot, because it takes a lot for me to get up from the sofa.

And if you think my idea's crazy, then consider this: BBC producers almost actually did cast Robbie Williams as the Doctor. In a web series.

Robbie Williams nearly played The Doctor back in 2003. A documentary on the DVD for the online Doctor Who story Scream of the Shalka (full details HERE) reveals that the Take That performer was interested in the role, and the production team were just as interested in having him play the Time Lord.

Speaking on making-of documentary Carry On Screaming, producer Muirinn Lane Kelly said: “We got word that Robbie Williams was interested in playing The Doctor. We all sat around wondering, ‘Is this a good idea? Is this a crazy idea?’ Although, when it all shook down it turned out he wasn’t available and it wasn’t that possible.”

Shalka writer Paul Cornell added, “Because we were reaching for the mainstream I actually thought he’s one of the most famous people in Britain. It would actually get us an enormous kick of attention”.

Producer James Goss stated, “Think about it, if you really wanted to bring Doctor Who to a whole new audience, it would have been the most popular, talked-about thing the BBC website ever did.”

Joss Whedon as the showrunner

He's done Buffy. He's done Avengers movies. So what does Joss Whedon do next? Become the showrunner of Doctor Who, of course.

It doesn't matter that Doctor Who is quintessentially British and Joss Whedon is American. Joss Whedon's genius surpasses trivial issues like culture or nationality. And anyway, by getting an American showrunner, more Americans will watch Doctor Who, which means bigger budgets, which means fewer shit episodes like "The Eater of Light".

Neil Gaiman as the showrunner

Okay, so we can't get Joss Whedon as the showrunner. He doesn't want to do it.

Well, I've got another idea. A better idea. Make Neil Gaiman the showrunner instead. Neil Gaiman wrote The Sandman so I'm sure he could do something similarly impressive with Doctor Who.

Yeah, he's done a couple of episodes already, but that's not enough. He needs to have command over whole seasons for his ability to really shine.

He'd come up with some great new characters. And if he can't think of any ideas, he could always re-use his characters from Sandman, like Dream and Death. I'm sure DC Comics won't mind. And if they do mind, then fuck 'em.

Tardis with a window

Not in fifty years of Doctor Who has the Tardis ever had a window. Are you kidding me? Every time they land on an alien planet, they have to open the doors to see what's outside instead of just looking out a window?

If I had the design the Tardis, I'd put a few windows in there. You could have a scene where two random schoolboys are peering through the window, trying to see inside. It'd be brilliant.

Tardis gets destroyed

"Not even the assembled hordes of Genghis Khan could get through the doors."

Just then there's a huge explosion. The Tardis has been blown up.

"How did they get in?"

"They used a key?"

"Ah."

The Doctor has to regrow the Tardis using a piece that wasn't destroyed. Like how the Guardians of the Galaxy regrow Groot.

Planet of the Doctors

So this episode is called Planet of the Doctors, which is like Planet of the Apes but instead of a planet full of apes, it's a planet full of Doctors. (Maybe that was already obvious from the title and didn't need explaining.) So this planet, it's full of billions of copies of the Doctor's current and previous regenerations. The Fifth Doctor likes cricket? He's playing cricket with copies of himself. The Fourth Doctor likes jelly babies? He owns a jelly baby factory with other copies of the Fourth Doctor. In short, everyone's happy. It's just that 'everybody' is copies of the Doctor.

Then something bad happens and all the Doctors get killed. It'd be a great way to watch Doctor getting killed in all different ways. At least, it's something I'd like to see. Bash their heads in with rocks! Make their hearts explode!

Someone else takes over as The Doctor

The Doctor's dead. He's really dead this time. And I mean, really dead. He's not coming back again. Ever.

There's a big funeral with all the Doctor's allies, like the funeral for Morpheus in The Sandman.

But everyone's worried. Who's going to protect the universe now? Who's going to stop the Daleks and fight the Cybermen? Not Doctor Who, that's for sure. He's dead.

The news of the Doctor's death travels across the universe. On a backwater planet at the edge of our galaxy, there's a girl living in a hut made of mud and sticks. (In my imagination, she's played by Ellen Page.) Despite having no powers and only being fourteen years old, she decides to take on the identity of The Doctor, like how Robin takes over as Batman when Batman dies in Final Crisis, or how Miles Morales takes on the role of Spider-Man when Peter Parker dies in Death of Spider-Man.

She tries to go around saving the universe just as the old Doctor used to, but even though her heart is in the right place, she's rubbish at it. Her sonic screwdriver is just a penlight and her Tardis is just an old wooden box painted blue.

In one scene, she faces a Dalek for the first time. She's shaking with fear. The Dalek analyses her with its eye stalk. The Dalek decides she isn't a threat. It trundles off into the dark, with a haunting accusation of, "You are not the Doctor..."

Eventually, she finds the Doctor's Tardis, which has been in stasis in a secret pocket universe, waiting for the right person to step into the Doctor's shoes. When she enters the Tardis, a hologram of the Doctor appears. The hologram tells her that she'll be given a chance to use the Tardis. If she succeeds during this trial period, she can keep the Tardis.

It'd be great. It'd be a soft reboot of the show, where we see this new Doctor learning things for the first time, like how to fly the Tardis, how to console a bereaved companion, and how to operate the sonic screwdriver without having someone's eye out.

We'd refer to the old Doctor as Doctor 1 and the new Doctor as Doctor 2. So the sixth incarnation of the first Doctor would be Doctor 1.6, the second incarnation of the second doctor would be Doctor 2.2, and so on.

Time Pirates

In this episode, the Doctor and his companion find themselves aboard a pirate ship.

"Try to blend in," says the Doctor.

So his companion is like, "I'm a pirate, I'm going to do pirate things like, er, stab you with my pirate sword."

And the pirates are confused. The Doctor says, "I'm sorry. He's not a pirate. He's just an idiot."

The pirate captain wants to know how the Tardis works. Unfortunately, the Doctor's added a new user interface to the Tardis which means anyone can pilot it, even a bunch of pirates. You just punch in the year and away you go.

So the pirates steal the Tardis and visit different time periods. They pillage towns, have parties, and rape women. The Doctor, without his Tardis has to find a way to stop them.

Imagine Pirates of the Caribbean crossed with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. It's a fun-filled family episode, apart from the rape scenes.

Christmas episode idea

The doctor arrives in London on Christmas Eve. But there’s something wrong. Where are the Christmas decorations? Where are the Christmas lights?

"Excuse me," he says to a passerby. "What happened to Christmas?"

"Christmas?" she says. "What's Christmas?" Cue opening credits.

A care home. A young woman in her early twenties. She's singing a song for her grandmother. Away in a Manger. By the end of the song, her grandmother is crying.

"That almost sounded like a song I remember," says the grandmother. "Why don't I remember it?"

Just then the Doctor strides through the door. He's tracked down a strange signal. It turns out the woman is the only person who can remember Christmas.

The Doctor asks her what happened.

"I was eight years old, and it was Christmas Day. I came down the stairs and I was excited to open my presents. I entered the living room and there was no tree anymore. No presents. When my mom and dad woke up, I asked them where the tree had gone. They asked me, what tree? Neither of them could remember anything to do with Christmas. Nobody could. Except me."

"I'm so sorry," says the Doctor. "I'm going to put things right."

She shows him a bauble. "A man gave this to me. He told me to remember Christmas."

The Doctor goes back in time to when she was eight years old. The night before Christmas. There's an alien called a Grinch. The alien is psychically removing all traces of Christmas from people's heads.

It's too late for the Doctor to stop the alien but he thinks if just one person can remember Christmas it might be enough to bring Christmas back. He finds the girl and tells her to remember Christmas. He gives her a bauble to help her.

"I promise to remember," she says.

Back to the present day. The girl, now a woman, holds the bauble. She holds it tight. "I remember." But nothing happens.

"Christmas is gone," says the Doctor. "There's nothing left of it."

But the woman realises the Doctor's wrong. As she looks around, she sees people being kind to each other. Simple acts of kindness. A man putting a blanket around a homeless man’s shoulders. A mom pushing a child in a wheelchair. A person putting money into a charity box. She realises that that Christmas never left, it has been here all along. Although the decorations and trimmings have gone, the essence of Christmas - goodwill to all - is still there. It’s in the people helping each other and being kind to each other. The alien took away all the decorations and trimmings but it couldn’t take away the essence of Christmas.

And when she realises the true meaning of Christmas, the magic starts to work. Golden lights and sparkles fly out of her and the bauble. The Christmas lights and decorations start to come back. A grey, spiny tree becomes a fir tree adorned with Christmas lights. The street becomes festooned with festive holly. She puts her arms in the air, letting the magic flow out of her.

One by one, as if waking up from a dream, the people in the world start to remember Christmas. They hug each other. They sing long-forgotten Christmas hymns. It’s the first Christmas in 22 years. Everyone’s full of cheer. And of course, it starts to snow.

"I never got your name," says the Doctor.

"Carol," says the woman. "I was born on Christmas Day so my parents named me Carol."

Things to avoid

• Episodes set in the Roman times. Every episode set in the Roman times so far has been dull, dull, dull. If you're going to give me Romans, then I want to see the fifth Roman Empire from the year 4000, not the shitty first Roman Empire from the past.
• Shitty writers. To keep the quality of the show high, it's best to only use Stephen Moffat, Russel T Davies and Neil Gaiman. And Joss Whedon if we can get him roped in. And Charlie Brooker too, I bet he'd write some good episodes.

Young Who

You haven't seen my best idea yet. It's called a prequel to Doctor Who called Young Who.

Conclusion

Well, those are my ideas. Let me know in the comments if you liked them. And if you didn't like them, then bugger off.

And if you're a member of the Doctor Who production team reading this, then contact my agent so we can sort out a script deal. (I don't actually have an agent so you'll have to call my dad instead.)