I don't have a life. I spend most of my time at home, on my laptop, sitting in three-day-old clothes and eating chocolate. When I look back on my life, instead of thinking, "God, I’ve lived a rich and fulfilling life. So many great memories." I'll think, "Fuck, I've wasted my life on Reddit" and then make a post on Reddit about it.

Since I don't have a life, I don't really need a second life. So I don't need to play Second Life, a computer game that was massively popular when it came out back in 2003. But what's it like now in 2014, eleven years later? This is the question no one is asking. So let's find out.

Here's my avatar. I've chosen to play as a goth girl.

I won't lie. I chose her because she's hot.

First I go to some fucking horse ranch. Not to fuck some horses; just to mosey around. Okay, and to maybe find myself a stud.

Then I end up flying off a cliff and being unable to get back up. It was hilarious. Unfortunately I don't have a screenshot but trust me, it was great.

Next I fly over some Netherlands-style village. Yep, you can fly in Second Life. Which begs the question, why aren't YOU playing this amazing game? You can fly and go into houses. Two great things.

Yet even though Second Life is amazing, not a lot of people play it. In fact, I'm the only person in this village. This experience is turning out to be quite lonely. And sad. I think I might have to start cutting myself.

There's no-one to push me on the swings. There's no-one to stick a dildo up my ass while I cry "Daddy!"

To cheer myself up a bit, I go to a graveyard. Did you know that Corey Haim (1971-2010) was interred in Second Life? Along with Oscar Mayer (1914-2009) and Jack LaLanne (1914-2011). I don't know if any of these people are supposed to be famous; the only one I recognise is Steve Jobs. The rest could all be made-up for I all know. What I do know is that when I die, I want to be forever memorialised as a pixellated floating cube in Second Life.

Did you know there are wheelchairs in Second Life? This game has everything. Everything except people, that is.

Here I am sitting on a wheelchair on the back of a bison.

You know, when I was a kid, I always wanted to be in a wheelchair. I wanted people to feel sorry for me and treat me with kindness instead of hate, indifference and distrust. True story.

Now I'm living out my fantasy of being wheelchair-bound, albeit virtually, and where there's no one to see me.

Now I'm sitting in a wheelchair in a telephone box. I wonder how many variations of sitting in a wheelchair I can do.

Then I met this sexy couple.

I'm not sure if they're real people or bots. I didn't know how to talk to them and they didn't talk to me.

I find it funny that the guy is almost twice the height as the woman. He's a giant and she's practically a midget. He'd probably break her in two if he ever fucked her over a kitchen table, which I imagine he does, several times a day, while the tigers watch.

Finally I go to a place called Zombie Land or something. But there are no zombies. Or anyone for that matter.

Conclusion

Second Life is boring. That's because there are hardly any people. It's like Animal Crossing without the animals, so just the Crossing. It's a desolated ghost world, like the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse, but without any zombies either. There's no-one.

The controls suck too. Plus the game is laggy. Waiting for a place to load can take a few minutes, during which time I suggest you jerk off to your avatar.