The coronavirus pandemic. You might have heard about it. It's just this, like, global pandemic? People are getting sick. People are dying. Even worse, my Amazon order was delayed by a day..

But there's something even worse a delay in my Amazon order. Yes - EVEN WORSE THAN THAT.

The absolute WORST thing about the pandemic is that companies keep sending me marketing emails about the coronavirus. My inbox is inundated with unwanted emails. Ever since the pandemic started getting underway in Europe two weeks ago, my inbox has been receiving messages from every company imaginable. It seems every company in Europe has come out of the woodwork to assault my inbox. To RAPE my inbox if you will.

Emails from Sainsbury's

15 March 2020

I open my emails. Among the usual viagra spam and Nigerian prince scam emails, there's one from Sainsbury's: "Message from Sainsbury's Chief Executive Mike Coupe".

I've never had an email from Sainsbury's Chief Executive Mike Coupe before. Maybe that's even his full name. Like, his first name is Sainsbury's and Chief Executive Mike are his middle names.

I click on the email and start reading it.

You will have seen that, due to the ongoing uncertainty around the full impact of Coronavirus, supermarkets have been much busier than usual and customers are choosing to stock up.

I think he's referring to the toilet paper everyone's been hoarding. But maybe he's referring to condoms? Because of all the fucking people will be doing while they're trapped indoors. Do you have any condoms left, Mike?

I wanted to personally reassure you that we have more food and other essential items coming to us from manufacturers and into our warehouses and distribution centres.

Personally reassure me? I hope you personally assure that everyone in the nation has a box of condoms, Mike. And I want you to give them out personally, at the front of the store, as you 'reassure' people. Maybe you can even give them a demonstration of how they work. By sticking one on your wrinkly old cock as people watch. That'll 'reassure' them.

18 March 2020

Christ, there's another email from Sainsbury's. "Update from Sainsbury's Chief Executive Mike Coupe".

I wrote to you last week to tell you about some of the steps we are taking to support increased demand for food and other essential items.

Yeah, alright, Mike. You told me about that last week, yeah. Now why don't you take some steps towards the front door and leave me alone.

A number of you suggested that we reserve an hour in stores for elderly and vulnerable customers.

I didn't suggest that to you, Mike. I suggested that you give out a box of free condoms to anyone. Did you even listen to my suggestion?

In response to this request, we will set aside the first hour in every supermarket this Thursday 19th March, for elderly and vulnerable customers.

This is all very rosy and nice, Mike, but it doesn't really apply to me as a) I'm not old, b) I'm not vulnerable, and c) I don't even live in the UK anymore. So now piss off and leave me alone.

21 March 2020

I wanted to write to you again to update you on the steps we are taking to make sure everyone has access to food and essential items.

Oh, not again, Mike. I thought I told you last time that I'm not interested. I know this is hard for you to hear, Mike. (Possibly because you're old and have hearing problems.) But I'm not interested in you, Mike. I don't even like you as a friend. I certainly don't want to have sex with you. So bugger off.

An increasing number of you have told me that you're not always able to get the items that you need when you need them.

How about this, Mike. Right now I need a sledgehammer so I can come round your house and hit you with it. Add that to the list of people who tell you things. Do you sell sledgehammers in Sainsbury's?

22 March 2020

There's another email from Mike. Fucking hell, he sent one yesterday. Which means he's sending me emails on a daily basis now. Like a stalker.

Let's see what this one says.

Further update from Sainsbury's Chief Executive Mike Coupe

We are continuing to work around the clock to feed the nation in these challenging times.

Feed the nation? This isn't a world war, Mike. You're not singlehandedly saving England like Winston Churchill. You're not the Ministry of Food. If you don't have any cans of beans then I'll just pop down to Asda instead.

Many of you have written to me in the past 24 hours to tell me that you like the idea of priority shopping for NHS workers and for elderly and disabled customers, but that these should be at different times.

Did you ever consider putting aside some time to stop sending me emails? No, you didn't Mike. Think about that while you're sucking off your elderly and disabled customers.

Honestly, I've had enough of this. I want to tell Mike fucking Coupe to fuck off and LEAVE ME ALONE. But the thing is, I can't. That's because if I reply to the email, my reply will disappear into cyberspace and will never be seen again. At least, that's what it says at the bottom of the email, though in different words: "Please don't reply to this email address, as it's not monitored."

I've looked for an unsubscribe button but THERE ISN'T ONE. Instead, there's a message that says, "We have noted your Marketing preferences." What?! What do you mean, you've "noted my marketing preferences"? What's that supposed to mean? My preferences are that Mike Coupe fucks off and stops sending me emails. Did Sainbury's note that?

I got so pissed off that I tweeted Sainsbury's:

There. THAT will show them.

26 March 2020

The emails just keep coming. They never stop, like the letters to Harry from Hogwarts telling him he's going to be a wizard.

I don't think Mike Coupe, Sainsbury's Chief Executive, is writing to me to tell me I'm going to be a wizard though.

I have written to you regularly over the past few weeks

Past few weeks? Is that all it's been? It feels like he's been sending me emails for years.

I am writing today to tell you what we are doing to keep you and our colleagues safe in our stores and what we are doing to get food to those that need it the most.

If you want to keep your colleagues safe, then it's simple: stop sending me emails. Because if you don't, Mike, because if you don't, then I will have no choice but to come over there and smash your fucking computer over your head, whether there's a pandemic or not.

3 April 2020

Christ a-bloody hell, there's another email from Sainsbury's.

Keeping you and our colleagues safe is our number one priority.

You could have fooled me, Mike. Because I thought your number one priority was being the world's biggest wanker.

Anyway don't worry about me, Mike. Worry about yourself. Because every email you send me puts me closer to the brink of a murderous rampage. Starting with you.

We have removed limits from Easter eggs immediately as we know families often want to buy more than three and we have plenty of these in all stores and online.

Easter eggs? Great job at setting priorities there, Mike. Fuck the milk and tinned food, what everyone needs in a crisis is Easter eggs.

8 April 2020

I wrote to you last week to update you on how we are supporting elderly and vulnerable customers with access to groceries online. I wanted to share some progress we have made on this over the past few days.

You want to share some progress with me? I'd rather you didn't, but I've got a feeling I can't stop you anymore Mike, so share away.

You wrote to tell me that product limits were a barrier to being able to shop for other people.

No I didn't. I wrote suggesting that everyone in the UK gets a free packet of condoms. And, by the way, I haven't seen that happen yet. So maybe you should stop fucking about with your Easter eggs and get started on the condoms thing. And give everyone some free lube too while you're at it.

23 April 2020

I'm writing to you today to update you on some changes to our services.

And I'm writing to you to tell you to fuck off. Look, this is the eighth unsolicited email you've send me, Mike. At what point will you get the hint? I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.

I know that most of you really appreciate the essential role that our colleagues are playing at the moment to keep the nation fed.

Mike thinks there's a minority of people who don't give a shit about the role Sainsbury's workers are playing. And if it were up to Mike, these people would be lined up against a wall AND SHOT.

How about this, Mike? How about I really appreciate the essential role of MY FOOT going through YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN and KICKING YOU IN THE FACE?

And by the way, Mike Coupe, why don't you get a toupee for your bald fucking head? Then people can call you Mike Toupee.

{Fun fact: if you say MIKE COUPE five times in a mirror, he will appear and attack you with an ORANGE.)

Emails from other companies

The emails don't end there though. I have a shitload of emails from other companies.

I keep getting emails from banks in particular for some reason. All the banks want to tell me how they're going to help me cope with the pandemic, and how much they value me as a customer. Fuck off, all these banks care about is their own money.

I have two emails from Deliveroo, even though I stopped using Deliveroo a couple of years ago. One of the emails is from the company's founder. Do I want to read an email from Deliveroo's founder? No, I do not.

I also have an email from a company called HairDirect. I'm a "valued customer" apparently, even though I have no idea who they are. The email begins,

"To Our Valued Customers. Wearing hair is a lifetime commitment, so each member of our team is committed to taking every possible step to ensure that there are minimal disruptions to your experience with us and which allows you to live your life with confidence."

What the fuck? Wearing hair is a lifetime commitment? What's that supposed to mean? I think the virus has already infected their brains.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I would gladly expose myself voluntarily to the COVID-19 virus to make these emails stop. That's how much I hate them. So please make these emails stop. I suppose I could set up an email filter but I'm too lazy, to be honest, and it sounds like too much work. So in the meantime, I will keep tweeting Mike Coupe. We'll see how HE likes it.