Well, it's been just over a month since I arrived back in Birmingham. I found a job two weeks ago, at River Island in Sutton Coldfield. I actually quite enjoy it there. It's only 20 hours a week though. I work on the men's department, and most of the time I'm the only staff member there. I send customers upstairs to ladieswear if there ask me anything overly complicated. I'm sure I've cumulatively done enough things that should warrant me getting the sack, but so far I've been lucky. Today I tagged a few clothes shittily... I hope I haven't ruined £100s of merchandise... I guess I'll find out on Monday.

I'm undecided whether to postpone my flight back to Canada by two weeks. Instead of flying on 30 December, I would fly on 13 January. It's all a bit complicated. I wanted to get a Japan working holiday visa while I'm here in England (you have to go to the embassy in London in person). Japan was going to be my next country to visit. My girlfriend doesn't want me to go, because she can't get a working holiday visa, as she's too old. In any case, she wants me to stay in Montreal with her for most of next year. She has a job as a video games tester, and she has a contract until November 2014. This is great for her, as she can build up savings. In her home country, Spain, unemployment rates are high (>20%) so it's difficult for her to find work there. She could work in the UK, of course, as she's an EU citizen, but I'm trying my best to stay out of the UK. I suggested we live in Germany, but she doesn't want to learn German.

(I hope that she won't read this next part). She's actually quite demanding. She didn't want me to leave Canada before she did (at the moment she's away from Canada for a month, in India). Now she says:

I would really like you to come same time I do... I really, really miss you. That's why I'd like to see you in Canada on the 30th!! It's been really long since we last went together... Can't you arrange the visa before the 29th.

It's nice being 'really really missed', but she doesn't want me to stay two weeks longer in England, and then expects me to stay in Canada for the next eleven months? My work visa has expired now, by the way. I'd be in Canada as a tourist. She says we could get a civil partnership, which would allow me a work visa dependant on hers (in theory).

She wants children, but if I'm honest, I don't. I believe I have traits of autism, and so does my entire immediate family. My half-sister is unaffected because we have different dads (the genes came from my dad). My half-sister has a daughter aged two, and I would love to have a child like her. She babbles nonsense incessantly and is bright and full of life. An autistic child wouldn't do that. Their speech development is delayed, for one thing. I can't bear the load of my hypothetical autistic kid. I've seen firsthand how traumatic the experience is, through my own parents. Even if we had just one kid... but I think my girlfriend is adamant that she wants two children.

Part of this way of thinking is due to being at home. Old wounds open and feelings I thought I'd forgotten surface again. Variously I feel depressed, angry, ecstatic, tired and manic. When I'm angry, I think to myself, I should put myself first (which I think is good to do anyway), that I should say 'no' to my girlfriend. I feel as if this relationship is uneven.

What's more, she's been virtually uncontactable for the past few days, as she has no internet access in her Indian hotel. I suppose this is what's lead me to vent my feelings here, instead of talking to her instead.

I want to get this Japan visa so that I'll actually do it, and it'll be out the way. I hate when things get done just because a deadline is approaching. Coasting through life. I spent an unnecessary year living in Bournemouth, putting off going to Canada, because I felt I wasn't ready. In fact, I wasted a year's visa. I swore I wasn't going to make the same mistake again.