The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

One of the things that used to be fun about Christmas is sending out Christmas cards. I had loads of fun doing it as a kid. I had a big stack of cards and I'd just write my friends' names in them, sign them, and sometimes add a knock-knock joke too. It was great.

But I fucking hate sending out Christmas cards as an adult.

The reason is we're living in the future and everything is digital now. Which means I have to fuck about with a computer when I send Christmas cards instead of licking envelopes and having a good time.

I will show you what I went through this year.

Cardfactory

Usually, I get the cards printed through cardfactory.co.uk as it's the cheapest company.

However, this year cardfactory have been fucking around with the cards they sell.

What I've always gone for is their "blank card", which lets me put my own photo on the card, no fuss. But this year, the blank card has gone. Now there's "Photo Card - Whole Photo Landscape" instead.

First of all, that bloke's face is a strange thing to put on a card. What kind of card even is that? Does that man just send his face to people at Christmas? There's not even any holly or anything Chrismassy like that.

To be fair though, if I looked as handsome as that, you can bet I'd be sending photos of my mug everywhere for people to see.

Also, I need a portrait card, not landscape. For fuck sake. Of course. They don't have the card I want.

Thirdly, the price of the cards have gone up. This card costs £1.79, a massive leap from the 99p I paid last year. A difference of 78p isn't a lot, but when you're sending out 20 cards, it adds up, okay? I don't know how much it adds up too because I failed Maths at school..

Other sites

I just checked Vistaprint. The minimum order is 10 cards, all sent to one address. That's useless to me as I only want to send one card to each recipient, not ten fucking cards send to each recipient like a mental person.

It's the same problem with www.banana-print.co.uk. The minimum order is ten cards which will all sent to one address. I'm not sure anyone wants even one card with my face on, let alone ten. Also, now I want a banana. All this work's making me hungry.

Funkypigeon

Funkypigeon is £2.29 per card. Dear Christ. Dear, dear Christ. Is this why Jesus died? So Funkypigeon could fleece us for all the money we've got?

By the time they've added the postage on, the price will be something like £3 a card. For a Christmas card. I've bought actual presents that were cheaper than that.

Jesus said that it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. If that's true, then the founder of Funkypigeon is definitely going to be burning to hell. Yep, he'll be burning in hell during the afterlife. Jesus said that, not me. And who am I to question Jesus, especially on his birthday?

Seriously, what kind of world do we live in where we're paying nearly three actual pounds for a Christmas card? You can get a whole pasty at Greggs for less than that. Cards should cost no more than 10 pence each. Any more is thievery and against the spirit of Christmas.

Fuck this

So I've changed my gameplan and I'm going to get them all the cards printed here in Spain and sent to my address. Then, I'll go to the local Correos (post office) and send them all out myself.

So now I need to find a Spanish printing service.

Using a Spanish printing service

Hoffmann is €30 for 20 cards. LOL. They can fuck off.

In the end, I do it through optimalprint.es. It costs me €10.24 € for 15 cards. Finally, a service for poor people like myself.

Their website is a pain to use though. I almost made a massive mistake by ordering cards that don't open because they don't have an actual inside; you only get the front of the card. What good's that? They might as well be postcards. Who's ever heard of a Christmas postcard?

There are also no blank cards, so you have to make do by selecting a (I'm not making this up) "Happy Birthday to your Pet" card and then dragging your image over it, like putting a rug over a stain on the floor.

Paying

When it finally came to pay, I looked in my wallet and couldn't find my bank card. Probably I've lost it again. I keep dropping it in the street. Fuck sake. This is somehow the fault of the Christmas card companies. I don't know how but it is.

Filling out the cards

Anyway, I found my card and a few days later the cards arrive. Now I have to fill them out.

The first pen I use doesn't work at all; the ink dried out years ago.

The second pen works but only intermittently, meaning I have to keep going back and filling in letters.

The third pen writes but only very faintly, making it next to useless.

Just as I'm about to give up and chuck all the pens in the bin, I finally find the One Good Pen. Every house has One Good Pen – the only pen that you can 100% rely on to work when you need to scribble down some vital bit of information. Like the Bear Grylls of pens.

At first, writing the cards is a pain in the arse, even with the One Good Pen in my hand. Sending out Christmas cards is basically just an admin task that revolves around addresses. It involves digging out addresses and chasing up nomads for their new address.

But after a while, I start to get into it, and then, before I know it, I'm actually enjoying it. I start writing long messages to old friends, asking how they are.

For a short while, I'm a kid again. The joy of Christmas cards has come back to me now. I don't know how I ever forgot. It's the joy of writing to old friends, to let them that know you appreciate them and care about them still, despite the years that have passed without seeing each other. It's the joy of making another person smile, of connecting with them for a moment, even if it's just through a short note.

And I think the real magic of Christmas cards is they are the only way a man can reach out to someone just for the sake of it without coming across as weird. If I sent a message on Facebook to an old friend, out of the blue, for no reason, they would think I'm strange or even mentally ill. But if I do it as a Christmas card, it's not weird any more, and it makes them happy instead.

But before I know it, I've used up all 15 cards. I feel regret because there are more people I want to send cards too; so, so many more. I want these people to know that I still think about them and that I hope they're doing alright.

Oh well. There's always next year.