The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

My girlfriend wants the latest Alicia Keys album for Christmas and she's asked me to buy it for her from iTunes.

I wish she'd asked me for a crocodile instead. Because I can't deal with iTunes.

Fucking iTunes. How does it even still exist? Just opening it gives me PTSD. All those traumatic memories of trying to put pirated MP3s onto an iPod. You can't just drag the files across of course. No no, because that would be too easy. Instead, you have to go through a convoluted process of 'syncing' the iPod with your music 'library', when I'd much rather 'sync' my fist with fucking Steve Job's smug prick-like face.

The welcome screen of iTunes says that "iTunes is the simplest way to enjoy your music". But that's the biggest joke since Susan Boyle announced she was going to lose weight. iTunes is anything but simple. It's the opposite of simple. Simple would be if I could drag and drop my music onto my iPhone like I can with any other music player. Complicated is when I need to go through the elaborate process of syncing my music instead. Fuck you, iTunes.

And is it just me or does iTunes take longer to open than other programs? Why is it always so slow? It must be preloading all the music in the universe onto my computer, in case I suddenly decide to make a purchase. Well, fuck you, Steve Jobs. I'm not buying anything today! Do you hear me? Well, okay, I am buying an Alicia Keyes album. But that's it!

Finding the album

So I find the album, but this takes a while as Apple has made sure to carefully hide it among all the other Alicia Keys albums.

You would think Apple would Alicia Keys' latest album first because it's her latest, but no.

Logging in

I have to log in to buy this album, which is fair enough I suppose. But I hate logging into apple because I can never remember my password.

But this time I've been clever and written it down though. The password is "iFuckingHateApple".

Changing the Apple store

Now I get the message "This Apple ID is only valid for purchases in United Kingdom [sic]". I also get a Windows chime error sound that seems to be from the 1990s. I didn't know that sound still exists.

This is no good. If I buy the album from the UK store, then my girlfriend will only be able to listen to it in the UK, which makes no sense but this is Apple for you.

There shouldn't even be different stores for each country. There should just be one global store. iTunes claims to be a music app, but didn't anyone who made iTunes ever listen to John Lennon? "Imagine there's no countries // It isn't hard to do."

I just want to buy a Christing album for Christing Christ's sake. What happened to the days when you'd just walk into HMV, pick up the album from the shelf and pay for it? Is iTunes supposed to be progress? Progress is supposed to make things easier, not more difficult.

Okay, so I managed to change the store to Spain, although I first followed official apple instructions at https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT201389 and the instructions were outdated. Thanks, Apple, you fucks.

Email address

Now I need to enter my girlfriend's email address. Does this need to be the same email address she uses for iTunes? Or can I use any email address? I don't know.

It would be okay if she only had one email address like a normal person, but instead, she has two: a Gmail one and a yahoo one. And she uses them both regularly.

In the end I send it to the first email address I think of. Fuck it.

And there, all done. It only took nearly an hour. THANKS APPLE YOU FUCKS.