The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Today I was sitting on the toilet and doing a poo while scrolling through the entire Instagram feed of a girl I met at rock climbing and I noticed that every photo was of her having fun in various foreign locations: there was a photo of her holding a small black child in a remote African village; a photo of her swimming in a cove next to a waterfall; a photo her jumping in the air on the peak of a mountain. The captions to the photos contained words like "happiness", "freedom", and "adventure", plus obligatory emojis.

She has 3,792 followers. I have 141.

Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I checked my own Instagram profile. There was a photo of what looked like poo on a plate with the caption "Made this today and it looks just like poo".

There was a photo of a bald smiling mannequin sitting on my dad's drive with its trousers pulled down and its left hand resting on its naked crotch.

There was a photo of me with a fake tattoo on my forehead with the caption "Asked for a tattoo and this is what they gave me."

There was a photo of me wearing a cheap superhero mask with the caption "Only Alfred knows my secret identity".

Maybe this stuff isn't what's considered "high-quality Instagram content".

You wonder why I'm mentioning this. It's because I'm obsessed with becoming attractive and I have a list of 10 Things That Make A Man Attractive™. The list is:

1. Youth
2. Handsome face
3. Muscles
4. Hair
5. Testosterone
6. Personality (friendly, confident, no sign of mental issues)
7. Money
8. Tattoos
9. Do dangerous sports
10. Straight white teeth

And I've been working hard on achieving the ten things on the list but I've neglected my Instagram profile. And having an impressive Instagram profile is mandatory nowadays to show potential mates what a fun, normal human being you are.

Here are some quotes I scoured from the internet that support what I just said:

Girls [...] always feel more comfortable going on a 1st date with a guy with a great ig

I think social media on dating apps is used to ensure you’re a “normal” person.

The thing is that having a good Instagram account where you upload quality content every one or two weeks or at least every month, will be very very beneficial,

So I need to start working on my Instagram. Manipulate people into thinking I'm a cool important person. Make it seem I go surfing on the weekend and ride around in a helicopter to business meetings during the week.

So just now, I went through my Instagram account and deleted about half the posts. Strange posts? Gone. Posts with less than 3 likes? Gone. Photo of what looks like poo on a plate? Gone.

Now I need to take new photos. A photo of me standing on a beach and wearing a white suit. A photo of me holding a small black orphaned child in an African slum. A shirtless selfie of me in front of a bathroom mirror while flexing my abs. Though probably I should get some abs first.

By the way, I told my friend Joe about all of this, and he said, "I'd just let it all go. Just give up. Just give up." I spoke to my brother too and he had the same sentiment: "Let go of who you could have been and embrace who you are now. Just enjoy the stage of life you're in now."

Fuck all that. Someone find me a black orphan child so I can get a selfie.

Read Things a man needs to be attractive, part 1.