The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

"So I have a plan to get more attractive," I say.

My friend laughs. (I say friend, we're actually just two dads whose children go to the same school. But I like to imagine that we're friends.) "What is it?" he says. "A New Year's resolution?"

New Year's resolution? What does he think this is? Weightwatchers?

"Yeah, sure," I say. Let him think it's a New Year's resolution if it helps his tiny brain understand. "So I've come up with ten things I need to get attractive. The first is hair." My hand instinctively goes to my head. My fingers feel the scabs that are still there from the hair transplant three weeks ago. Soon, hopefully, I'll have hair. "Then there's-"

"You know, it's not hard to be attractive," my friend cuts in. His name is Pep by the way. Pep like Pepsi Cola.

Hang on, it's not hard to be attractive? Says the guy with a full head of HAIR. Pep, you see, is in his forties, but he still has a full head of sweet sweet hair. All the women love Pep, in my imagination. They can't get enough of his hair.

Also, another thing about Pep: he loves to exercise. He gets up at 5 am to go jogging. Every day. Then after jogging he goes to "Paleotraining", which is where people pretend to be cavemen while working out, or something.

"Yeah, it's really easy to be attractive," I say sarcastically. "So all you have to do is exercise most days, yeah?"

"Yeah, that's right," he says, laughing.

"So anyway," I continue, "the second thing is-"

But he's stopped listening. Fuck him.

You'll be interested though, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading this.

So here's my list of Ten Things A Man Needs To Be Attractive.

I've also included some comments from my friend Joe, who claims to be a "certified slayer". His claim could be true as she once sent me an Excel line chart of the number of women he's slept with. The figure was at 90, and that was back in 2016, so god knows how many more women he's banged since then.

1. Youth

Obviously, when trying to look attractive, it helps to have youth on your side. Just look at these statistics:

	Number of girls/women interested in me romantically
Teenage years	10
My twenties	4
My thirties	1

Ten girls were attracted to me when I was a teenager. (I'm not making it up. I was surprisingly handsome as a young lad.) And that's just the ones I was aware of: there may have been hundreds, possibly thousands more.

Then, throughout my entire twenties, the number of girls interested in romantically was only four. That's a steep drop from ten.

Even worse, now that I'm in my thirties, only one woman likes me, and that's my girlfriend.

Ideally, then you should be a teenager, which is when physical good looks peak in most people.

Current situation: Unfortunately, I'm 34 so I'm pretty much buggered. Still though, at least I'm not 40. I still have time. Oh spirits, tell me I still have time?!

My target: To learn how to start aging backwards, like Benjamin Button.

What I'm doing to achieve that target: Well, I put sunscreen on my face every day to stop the fucking sun from ageing me. But there's not much else I can do apart from invent a de-ageing machine. And given that I'm not Thomas Edison or Alexander Graham fucking Bell, that's not happening any time soon.

2. Hair

There is a huge disparity between having hair and being bald. Various Tinder studies have shown that men with hair get around ten times more matches than bald men.

The results have shown that women on the dating app prefer men with hair – the profiles attract 8.47 times more matches compared to those without hair,

So men with hair are around ten times more attractive than bald men. TEN TIMES.

Try it yourself at home: stick a wig on a watermelon and you'll instantly see how attractive it becomes. You'll be rubbing your genitals over it before you know it.

And if you doubt me, just look at Jesus. He had loads of hair and everyone loved him. (Well, apart from other religious leaders, who killed him.) Just think: Jesus must have been drowning in pussy. A biblical amount of pussy, you could say! And why? All because of his long, luscious hair. Worthy of a shampoo advert, it was.

Current situation: Unfortunately, due to early-onset male pattern baldness, I'm bald.

My target: To have hair.

What I'm doing to achieve that target: I had a hair transplant recently. Plus I'm taking finasteride and getting regular PRP therapy injections into my scalp. (It's not easy being beautiful.) My hair will never be the flowing golden locks I had in my childhood, but at least I'll have something resembling hair, which is better than being a baldilocks.

3. Testosterone

You will hear some women say "I like older men".

You will hear some women say "I like bald men".

You will even sometimes hear women say "I like ginger men", although this is exceedingly rare.

But there is one thing you will never hear a woman say. You will never, ever, NEVER hear a woman say this:

"I like men with low testosterone"

They never say it. Never. Perhaps because it's just a weird thing to say. Or, more likely, perhaps it's because every woman on the planet craves a man with skyrocket levels of testosterone.

Testosterone does lots of things. It makes your voice deep. It makes your chest hairy. It makes you drive aggressively. It makes you join drinking games where you chant songs and beat your chest. And, crucially, it also makes you more attractive to women.

Current situation: I have abnormally low free testosterone, according to a blood test I did last month.

My target: To have abnormally high testosterone instead.

What I'm doing to achieve that target: I've bought some Clomid from a dodgy website and started taking it. It's supposed to increase testosterone. But if it doesn't work then I'll just start injecting actual testosterone into myself, testosterone I'll steal from the testicles of local bulls. Either that or I'll just buy some online.

Joe's comment: I don't think testosterone is going to help. Try it, try pinning test. But it didn't help me. In fact, it made me a pussy.

4. Muscles

Obviously, you can't be hot unless you have muscles. This is an indisputable fact. Women love muscles above all other things. Give a woman a choice between Bill Gates and Channing Tatum and she'll choose Channing Tatum. It's just basic female nature.

It's worth breaking this one down into subpoints because there's so much to it.

Less than 15% body fat = abs = good

Google "hot guy" and you'll see that the one thing they all have in common, as well as their amazing hair and good looks, are their rippling abs. A six-pack is therefore a must-have if you want to be attractive. And how do you get a six-pack? By having less than 15% body fat, that's how.

That said, a word of warning: you don't want to go too low with body fat. Just as you should never go full retard, you should never go full muscle. You would think that the less fat you have, the more attractive you'd be, but this is true only up to a certain point. That point is 5% body fat. Go less than 5% body fat and you look like a bodybuilder - disgustingly overmuscled, like you have balloons concealed under your skin, like a skeleton with muscles basically.

Of course, though, go to the other extreme, by eating McDonald's every day and becoming an obese fat bastard, and you're effectively cutting your own knackers off because no woman will want to bring their vagina near you. Which is something I don't understand. Surely fat should be attractive? Because greater body fatness means greater potential to survive famines. And after all, isn't that what all of us want in a mate: the ability to survive a famine?

Low waist-to-chest ratio = good

Another thing that's very, very, very important is your waist-to-chest ratio. What is a waist-to-chest ratio? It's the size of your waist compared to your chest.

• if you have a pathetic flat chest and a big fat beer belly, then you have a high waist-to-chest ratio, and women are disgusted by you
• if you have great big bulging abs and a tiny skinny waist like Kate Moss, then you have a low waist to chest ratio, and women orgasm just from thinking about you

Waist to chest ratio is one of the most crucial aspects of male attractiveness, according to a study called Characteristics of male attractiveness for women. In the study, 30 women rated 50 photos of men's torsos. The researchers looked at whether attractiveness was related to BMI, waist-chest ratio, and waist-hip ratio. They found that:

Waist-chest ratio was the principal determinant of attractiveness [...] Even small changes in WCR will significantly alter the attractiveness rating of a male body

The reason? A man with a small waist and a large chest is strong and has muscle mass:

Women prefer men whose torso has an “inverted triangle” shape (ie, a narrow waist and a broad chest and shoulders). This is a shape consistent with physical strength and muscle development in the upper body.

Here's a chart from the study showing the relationship between waist-chest ratio (on the x-axis) with attractiveness (on the y-axis). As you can see, the lower your waist-chest ratio (the smaller your waist and the larger your chest), the more likely women will find you attractive.

The ideal waist-chest ratio, according to the blurred bastard image above, is less than 0.70, which means your waist circumference has to be at least 30% smaller than your chest circumference. (Or, to put it another way, your chest has to be at least 43% bigger than your waist. I think. My maths isn't very good.)

BMI wasn't all that important and the waist-hip ratio wasn't important at all.

Current situation: I have some slight muscles due to working out during the last six months. But I need MORE. Far more. Also, 24% of my body is fat, which is pretty awful.

My target: To have far more muscles. I already said that. And to have 15% body fat.

What I'm doing to achieve that target: As well as exercising nearly every day, I've started taking Clomid (see above). Hopefully, the massively high testosterone levels, combined with exercise, will stimulate my body to grow into a hulk of He-Man proportions. And to lose fat, I'll eat celery for a while until I lose enough fat and/or get forcibly checked into an eating disorder clinic for anorexia.

Joe's comment: Muscle, yeah, it's important to some extent. Though I don't think exercise at our age makes any difference. You have to do it in puberty.

5. Good looks

Obviously, to attract women, it's absolutely crucial to have a handsome face. If you have an ugly face then you can forget about everything else on this list and go live in a cave, only heading down to the local village from time to time to trade your homegrown beans for meat and clothes, while the villagers shun you and small children throw rocks at your head.

Current situation:I have a face like a dad. My eye bags sag down and I'm bald. Sometimes I look in the bathroom mirror and scream, knock over several bottles of soap and shampoo, and end up on the floor, still screaming. I'm that ugly. It wasn't always this way. I was handsome in my youth, believe it or not. Not anymore though.

My target: You can't do much about your looks, unfortunately. You're either handsome or you're not, and if you're not, then there's nothing you can do about it. Except go live in a cave.

What I'm doing to achieve that target: What target? I'm beginning to regret this format.

6. Money

If there's something women love more than muscles, it's money. Give a woman a choice between Bill Gates and Channing Tatum and she'll choose Bill Gates. It's just basic female nature.

At the end of the day, women are incredibly shallow and they'll only date you if you're rich. Wave a wad of cash in a woman's face and she'll immediately drop whatever she's doing and she'll follow you around like a dog in heat or a futuristic servant robot. This is true. And if it's not true then it means I know nothing about women.

Just take a look at these totally real, not-at-all-made-up quotes from women:

"I don't care how small his dick is as long as he's got a six-figure salary"

"Yes, he's a volunteer fireman and helps sick and disabled children, but does he own his own boat?"

"If he's not a millionaire by the time he's 30, he's not entering my vagina, and that's that."

"If he doesn't wear a Rolex, he's not worth my time."

(All real quotes, definitely not made up my me.)

Also, money's pointless if no one knows you're rich. That's why you need to buy unnecessarily expensive accessories, like Nike trainers, Beats headphones, and a Ferrari, just so all the women around you know you're loaded. These accessories alert nearby females that a hot, rich stud (either that or a wanker) is in their presence.

And this has been scientifically proven:

Evolutionary theories have been used in numerous studies to successfully predict the mate selection preferences of both sexes. These studies have consistently shown that men throughout the world place a greater degree of emphasis on physical beauty while women place greater emphasis on financial prospects. Previous studies have also demonstrated that symbols designating resource accruement can be manipulated experimentally to enhance or diminish the attractiveness of a male in a controlled environment.

In the above study, the reseachers took photos of a man next to three cars of vastly different values: a decrepit Dodge Neon, a Ford Focus, and a high-end Mercedes C Class C300. They then put the photos on hotornot.com and let women rate them. The photo of the man standing next to the high-end expensive car received higher a attractiveness rating than the man standing next to the cheap car, even though it was exactly the same man.

Man standing next to a...	Hotness score (out of 10)
Decrepit car	5.50
Middle-range car	5.77
High-end car	6.17

Science shows that if you look rich, women find you more attractive.

Current situation: I have an income that's average for the country I'm living in.

My target: To have a high income. 75,000 euro a year should do it.

What I'm doing to achieve that target: Working on my business. It's a secret business so I won't tell you about it. And no, it's not drug-dealing.

Joe's comment: Money only made me a slayer when I passed 100k. I felt euphoric. Extremely high confidence. I could just walk into any club, grab a girl and start kissing her. I felt like the absolute dog's bollocks. I've had a number of large milestones since then and felt absolutely nothing. Though my girlfriend says she's financially dependent on me, so to that extent, she has to stick around. But I don't think it's attractive as such. [...] Visible wealth is more important than money. But I've got my nine quid casio, everything's cheap. It wouldn't suit me to have flashy things at my age.

7. Personality

Some people will tell you that looks don't matter, it's personality that counts. Let me tell you that they're right. Personality is the most important thing when it comes to attracting a mate.

Current situation: My personality is awful. People think I'm rude and stuck-up because I'm silent most of the time. I hate small talk.

My target: Ideally, I'd have the personality of Seth Rogan. Everyone loves Seth Rogan. But I'm not Seth Rogan and I never will be, because I can't change my personality. Well, I suppose I could start being nicer to people. And actually talk to them instead of being silent. And maybe try to make an effort to actually remember their names.

What I'm doing to achieve that target:Try to talk to people, I guess.

8. Straight white teeth

If you want to look good, you also need teeth that are straight and white, like a freshly-painted picket fence.

Current situation: Thanks to braces, I have straight teeth. They're stained though. And that won't do, will it? You might as well not have any teeth at all.

My target: Get my teeth whitened. Because you can't be sexy without shiny white teeth. You just can't. Or then again, maybe you can. Don't ask me, I'm not an expert. I'm just making this shit up as I go along. Ask someone else about whether white teeth are sexy. Like your dentist for example. He'll answer your question and also fix a cavity while he's at it. I can't fix cavities. I just type words.

What I'm doing to achieve that target: I guess at some point I'll get my teeth whitened at a dentist. But it seems pointless to do this until I've fulfilled other more important things, like getting testosterone and hair.

Joe's comment: My teeth are completely fucked, always have been.

9. Dangerous sports

Women love men who do dangerous sports (think snowboarding and rock climbing). Why? I don't know. It's only idiots who do dangerous activities in my opinion. It's much better to do safe activities like badge collecting. You'll live longer and you'll also have a nifty collection of badges. Unfortunately, though, a badge collection is unlikely to attract females.

Also, it's a good idea to post photos of yourself doing said dangerous activities to Instagram. That way, when a woman looks you up on social media, she'll get the impression that you're a testosterone-fuelled alpha male, and she'll want to have your babies.

Current situation: The most dangerous thing I do? Keep all my computer backups in one place. But even though it's extremely risky, girls don't find it hot for some reason.

My target: I need to buy a skateboard. Chicks love skateboards. Also they love money and muscles, as we established earlier on. Ideally, then, I need to be a muscled, millionaire skateboarder, riding around the streets of Girona on my skateboard with the carefree attitude of a 90's schoolboy. I need to have fluorescent, glow-in-the-dark teeth too.

What I'm doing to achieve that target: Thinking that one day, I might buy a skateboard. Which is probably a bad idea because I'd immediately fall off it and break my tibia.

Joe's comment: Dangerous sports? Not at our age. You'll look like a creepy fucker trying to do anything. Skiing is about as cool as you can get now.

10. Tattoos

If you think tattoos are for wankers then you're right. However, for some reason, women are attracted to men with tattoos. So if you want to be a slayer, then you'd better get a tattoo. Preferably several, just to be on the safe side.

Current situation: I have one tattoo but it's on my back where no one's likely to see it.

My target: Obviously I need to get some more tattoos. And not shit ones, like my son's face or his date of birth. Currently, though, I don't know what a non-shit tattoo is. So more research is needed for this one.

What I'm doing to achieve that target: Whenever I see a good tattoo, I make a note about it in my brain. Soon I'll have a mental collection of good tattoos I can choose from. At least I would if I could remember any of them. Which I can't.

Joe's comment: Tattoo, yeah. But I'm actually trying to get rid of one of mine because it's fucking dumb. I probably wouldn't get any more now because it just doesn't suit me. I think I've missed the window. I waited until I reached the maximum peak urgency to get a tattoo I should have had them for years already.

Other stuff

Here are some things that didn't make the list.

• Clothes. Obviously clothes are very much not important. What is important is muscle. Because if you have muscle then you'll look good any clothes. Whereas if you don't have muscle, like me, then you'll look shit no matter what you wear. (Joe: "I hate clothes shopping, I just fucking hate it. I can't find anything that fits me.")
• Scent. This one's more my cup of tea because it's something I can buy on Amazon. Just get some male perfume (preferably one with a French name like "l'eau de homme") and spray it all over your clothes. I've heard that women love that. (Joe: "I think fragrance is actually quite important. I just get some really expensive high concentration eau de perfume shit and spray that on my clothes.")
• Height. Being tall is very very important when it comes to attracting women, as any man who is short will tell you. Ideally, you want to be 6 foot tall, I reckon. That's taller than most men but not freakishly tall like a giant. If you're not 6 foot tall, then I suggest you wear a pair of stilts. As for me, I'm 5 foot 10, which is a good height. Therefore, I should be raking in women, literally, with a large garden rake. However, I'm not due to my total lack of all the other things on this list, and the fact I don't own a rake.

Example

Here's a real-life example. Just the other day I saw a typical Chad at my indoor climbing centre. He was wearing a baseball cap, a gangster t-shirt, jogging bottoms, and trainers. Of course, he had tattoos down one arm. He looked like Channing Tatum. I would take a good guess that he had the testosterone levels of a bull, given his muscles and his happy, carefree attitude. His girlfriend was with him, and of course, she was beautiful. Mr Channing Tatum can get any girl he wants.

Let's count how many Attractiveness Factors™ this guy has:

1. Handsome
2. Young
3. Testosterone
4. Muscles
5. Low body fat
6. Dangerous sports
7. Tattoos
8. Tall

That's eight Attractiveness Factors™. And I don't know if he was rich too, but if he was (probably from drug dealing), then that gives him nine Attractiveness Factors™. At that level, you're able to make a woman cream her pants on sight.

Now let's count how many Attractiveness Factors™ I have:

1. Tall

One! One measly Attractiveness Factor™! No wonder girls look at me like I'm a paedophile kicking an injured pigeon down a stairwell. It's because I don't have enough Attractiveness Factors™!

Example 2

As a second example, let's take Mariano from the Pixar movie Encanto.

Mariano's a bit dumb. He's from the "brawn over brain" box of movie stereotypes. But despite his low IQ, he's set to marry Isabella, the hottest woman in the village. Actually, scratch that: she might be the hottest woman from any Disney movie. He'll be banging her a lot too: Mariano wants "five babies".

Why does he get to marry and fuck Isabella? Well, let's see how many Attractiveness Factors™ Mariano has:

1. Handsome
2. Young
3. Testosterone of a bull
4. Muscles
5. Tall
6. Amazing hair
7. Straight white teeth

So he has seven Attractiveness Factors™, which makes him a Certified Hunk. No wonder he'll be making babies with Isabella while I'll be humping a sex can in the loneliness of my bedroom.

Conclusion

What can we take from this? To be attractive to women, you just need a few basic things: youth, good looks, testosterone, muscles, tattoos, and ideally lots and lots of money as well. Simple.