Dear Diary. My ears are getting worse. I have pain in both ears now. The pain in my left ear hurts the most. It feels like Mike Tyson's given me a dreaded double ear punch.

I haven't seen a doctor yet. Girlfriend says I should see a doctor tomorrow.

Girlfriend was watching the news on TV just now when suddenly she jumped up and grabbed the remote. "Listen to this, it's really important!" she said excitedly.

She turned up the volume of the TV.

"What is it?" I said. I looked at the TV. It was something about football.

"Girona are playing in the Champions," she said.

"What is the Champions?" I said.

"Oh my god. Talking to you is like talking to a lettuce. You don't know anything about football. The Champions is where the best team in Europe play against other. It's the best cup."

"I thought the World Cup was the best cup? Wait, was the World Cup this year? No wait. That was the Euro Cup. So how many cups are there?"

"There's lots of cups. There's the Champions cup, the World Cup, and the Euro Cup. Then there's the American cup, and the African cup, and the Asian cup."

Christ, isn't that enough cups? It's the same with Mario Kart. When I was a kid playing the N64, Mario Kart only had four cups, which was enough. Then Mario Kart Wii came along which had eight cups, just to show off. And now Mario Kart 8 Deluxe has come out which has 12 cups plus 12 more cups in downloadable content, making 24 cups total. Where does Mario keep all the cups he wins? Does he have a giant cup cupboard under his stairs?