The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. Today my sister Corryn had an idea: "Let's go to the beach. We can book a hotel and use the pool."

"Are you sure the beach is a good idea?" I said. "The weather's looking a little cloudy today."

"Nah, it'll be fine."

6-year-old was excited. He packed his armbands and swimming costume into his Avengers backpack. The rest of us packed some stuff too and we all walked to the bus station.

After an hour's bus ride, we arrived at the hotel. It was me, 6-year-old, my sister Corryn, and her 12-year-old daughter Aurora.

But there was a problem: the hotel pool had no water. It was just a big empty hole.

We all stood on top of the hotel roof, standing around the empty swimming pool, while strong winds whipped our hair around our heads.

Corryn came over.

"The pool has no water in it," I said.

"What? Are you joking?" said Corryn.

She went to have a look.

"Oh my god," she said. "On the website, they said they have a pool."

"Well, there's always the sea," I said.

So we went to the sea. The beach was deserted. The waves were huge, as tall as houses. Aurora was shivering from the cold. I offered Aurora my jumper; she took it. 6-year-old was wearing two jumpers. I later found out Spain issued an orange warning for rain and strong winds today.

I stripped down to my swimming trunks and ran into the sea. The water was so cold that I ran straight back out.

With nothing else to do, we walked along the beachfront. The waves crashed against the walls, sending up clouds of spray. I got wet just by standing next to the beach. Two policemen were putting up plastic fences at the entrances to the beach. 6-year-old started reading out the t-shirts hanging in front of the tourist shops:

"I love LLoret del Mar"

"I love sex"

"I love 69"

"I love big boobs"

"I love lesbians"

"I love MILFs"

Then he stopped to say, "Daddy, what does MILF mean?"

"Well son, a MILF is a mom who is very beautiful. It's a mom you want to have sex with."

Corryn must have been nearby listening because she said, "You can't tell him that!"

"It's sex education," I said.

"He's only six years old!"

"It's never too early to start learning," I said.

Then I saw on TripAdvisor there was a fair nearby called Sould Park.

"It's probably called Sould Park because it's old," I said. "It's old: Sould."

"It'll probably be crap," said Aurora. "There'll be a Mario but it'll be a strange knockoff Mario with purple and white clothes."

I think that's Waluigi?

"You're assuming it'll even be open," I said.

It was open. But Aurora was right: it was crap. There were just little rides for kids. 6-year-old went on a water boat ride. Bumper boats. 6-year-old was the only one on the ride so all he could bump into were the walls.

Two girls were running all the rides. They weren't much older than Aurora.

Corryn went off for a cigarette break. When she came back, she found us all inside a Jurassic Park Arcade game, shooting the bejesus out of velociraptors. I was getting really into it:

"COME ON THEN! YOU WANT TO DIE? THEN COME AND DIE, YOU MOTHERFLIPPERS!"

"I KILLED YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND NOW I'M GOING TO KILL YOU TOO!"

"YOU WANT TO DIE AS WELL?"

I was killing every dinosaur in Jurassic Park. There would be no dinosaurs left for John Hammond to show the guests. Unfortunately, I lost the game because I failed to stop a raptor from eating a woman's face.

We went to KFC for dinner. I upgraded my meal to a large. But the meal didn't seem large. It was a burger, a small salad in a box, a tiny thimble-sized ice cream, a single chicken nugget, and a can of coke. 6-year-old had a Happy Meal from McDonald's instead.

Then we went into an arcade where we played a game called Mario Kart Arcade GP. Aurora won the first race, I won the second race, and I let 6-year-old win the third race.

It was dark when we got back to the hotel room. 6-year-old wanted to watch TV. "Daddy, can we watch TV? Please? Pleeeeeeease?" It was almost 10 pm. "No," I said. We went to bed. 6-year-old had a lightswitch next to his bed and he kept turning on the light on and off.

"Goodnight," I said, turning the light off.

6-year-old giggled and turned the light back on again.

"Ok, well goodnight for real this time," I said. I turned the light off.

6-year-old turned the light back on again.

We did this a few more times until finally 6-year-old got bored and fell asleep.