The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. And so another year begins. We went to Spain's largest theme park for New Year's Day. The park is called PortVentura. The tickets were cheap, presumably because everyone else in Spain was still nursing a sangria hangover from New Year's Eve. I drove us to PortAventura in our electric car, which doesn't go very fast or very far. This was made evident when we were only halfway there and we had already used 70% of the car's battery. I knew we wouldn't have enough battery to get to the theme park so I stopped the car in a deserted industrial park to charge the car at a charging point. We all stood around the car in the cold, waiting for the car to charge enough for us to be on our way. There we were, on New Year's Day, watching an electric car charge in an empty industrial park.

"I need a wee," said Girlfriend. There were no toilets around and the buildings were closed so she did a wee crouching down next to a tree.

We walked to a nearby cafe, which was shut. 6-year-old kicked a vending machine hoping a bottle of Fanta would fall out. It didn't.

"Can we go Daddy?" said 6-year-old.

"Not yet," I said. "We have to let the car charge a little bit more."

"I think it's charged enough, no?" said Girlfriend.

It had been charging for ten minutes.

"It hasn't charged enough yet," I said. "If we left now, we'd run out of battery before we even got there."

"I think we have enough battery," said Girlfriend. "We only need to drive another 110 kilometers. And the car says it can drive 150 kilometers. So we have enough, right?"

"The distance thing's wrong," I said. "It's not giving an accurate number of kilometers. It's broken."

I made everyone wait another twenty minutes while the car charged. Now and then Girlfriend would say, "Surely we can go now?" and I'd say, "No, we need to wait."

Finally, we set off again.

Half an hour before we reached the park, I said, "If we hadn't stopped to charge the battery, the car would run out of battery by now."

I waited for Girlfriend or 6-year-old to congratulate me on my decision to stop and charge the car, but no one said anything. Not even a "Well done Paul you were right to stop the car."

We arrived at PortAventura. A statue of the PortAventura mascot, Woody the Woodpecker, greeted us at the entrance of the park. He looked happy. I don't know why he was so happy; his name is made up of three penis synonyms: wood, woody, and pecker. It'd be like if my name was Paul Pee-pee Winklechopper.

We entered PortVentura. In the distance were two rollercoasters, one red and one blue. I couldn't see any other rides. We walked past a big lake that was supposed to represent the Mediterranean Sea, even though the real Mediterranean sea was only less than two miles away. They could have built the park by the real sea and then they wouldn't have had to build the lake.

We walked for about twenty minutes without passing a single ride. Meanwhile I could see the big looping rollercoasters in the background. No matter how far we walked, the roller coasters were always out of reach; they never got any closer and they never got any further away. We passed closed restaurants. We passed closed shops. Still no rides.

Then we arrived at an area of the park themed around Sesame Street. Sesame Street was the first TV show I remember watching. I was three years old. My mom would pick me up from nursery. She would give me cheese on toast wrapped in tinfoil to eat in the pushchair on the way home. Then at home I would sit on the sofa with my blanket and teddy and watch Sesame Street. My favourite were Bert and Ernie.

I went to see a Sesame Street show with 1-year-old. The Sesame Street characters were dancing on a stage. The show was led by a lady wearing high heels, a gold sequined top, and a ruffled skirt. She was smiley and enthusiastic. I spent most of the show watching her instead of the Sesame Street characters. She had long brunette hair. Gold stars were painted on her face. She wore tights that made her legs look shiny. She had the same happy energy as a children’s TV presenter. Even when she turned around, facing away from the audience, she was still smiling. A professional. I was mesmerised by her skirt. It came up to her knees, and every time she gave a twirl, everyone could see her white panties. No wonder all the dads were watching the show so intensely.

Then I took 1-year-old to see a Christmas show. The show was like a circus but with so much stuff happening on stage, I wasn't sure where to watch. At least when I was watching the Sesame Street show I knew to watch the lady's bum.

We walked some more and finally we arrived at the two big roller coasters. There they were, looming above us, like the skeletons of gigantic dinosaurs. It felt like a view you'd see as a placemark on Google Earth, not in real life. Every minute or so, a carriage flew past with screaming people.

Girlfriend said I could go on a rollercoaster while she took the kids. So I walked over to the roller coasters. The red roller coaster only had a ten-minute queue so I went on that one. I didn't enjoy it very much. On each of the eight inversions, the G-forces were squashing me down into my seat like a mechanical press. My head felt like gravel was rattling around inside it, which might have been my brain cells coming loose.

Evening fell. We went to the hotel for dinner. We got there early. Almost no one else was there. There was a buffet. It was wonderful. I ate three plates of food, including a hot dog, chips, pizza, and tacos. There was a little statue of Oscar the Grouch in a Santa hat sitting next to the pizza. An hour later and I was still eating, so Girlfriend took the kids to the hotel room while I finished my third plate of food.

When I couldn't eat any more, I started heading back to the hotel room. But I couldn't find the building. There were too many buildings. They had names like Iguana and Jaguar. I went into one building. The sound of Christmas music was playing over a stereo in the corridor. I entered the lift, went up a floor, and left the building on the other side. I stumbled around in the dark, swearing. Eventually I found my hotel room. The kids were asleep. Girlfriend was on her phone. I took a bath and went to bed.

***

The next morning we went back to the dining room for breakfast. To my surprise the dining room building was right outside our hotel room building. Only an idiot would have had trouble navigating between the two buildings.

It was the most wonderful breakfast buffet I've ever seen. There were pancakes, sausages, tomatoes, baked beans, yoghurts, and croissants. I ate everything, including three churros with chocolate.

After breakfast, we went back to the theme park. We arrived two minutes before the park opened. A big crowd was outside the gates like the crowd outside Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. "LET US IN!" I shouted. The gates opened and everyone flooded in. I gave a whoop of delight.

Our plan was to go on a ride called Sesame Street: Street Mission before the queues got too long. So we headed straight to Sesame Street. "SESAME STREET!" I shouted in excitement. Girlfriend told me to stop shouting.

We reached the front of the queue for the ride. I had heard you use a gun on this ride. I was ready to shoot Big Bird in his kneecaps but unfortunately we weren't given a gun but a "clue detector" instead, which I chose to believe was a gun. When Big Bird appeared I took off my 3D glasses so I could get a proper look at him. Big Bird was just as intimidating up close as I thought he'd be. I showed mercy and let him live. I then spent the rest of the ride aimlessly shooting at cookies and I still got the highest score.

I was feeling bad by this point, from all the sugar I had eaten. Churros and pancakes for breakfast, a Belgian waffle with chocolate sauce and ice cream for lunch, and a large Granny Smith apple I stole from the buffet as a snack. Luckily the park was so spread-out I could burn off the excess sugar just by walking between attractions.

I went to see a bubble show with 1-year-old. 1-year-old fell asleep about ten minutes into the show. On the stage was a lady blowing bubbles. All kinds of bubbles: soap bubbles, fire bubbles, giant bubbles, long bubbles. People inside bubbles. Bubbles the lady plucked apart to form new smaller bubbles. The only bubble she didn't have was a square bubble, which is the only bubble that matters, if you ask me. I would have asked for my money back but the show was included in the cost of our park tickets. After the show, I made my own bubble: a snot bubble, by blowing my nose into a tissue.

Girlfriend took the kids while I went to Ferrari Land. Ferrari Land is a second theme park right next to Port Aventura. I don't like Ferraris or indeed any car for that matter — especially electric cars — but Ferrari Land was included in our tickets and it was also the home of the world's third largest and third fastest roller coaster. Let me repeat that for emphasis: THE WORLD'S THIRD FASTEST, THIRD TALLEST ROLLER COASTER. The roller coaster is called Red Force. I joined the queue for Red Force. In front of me was a man missing a tooth. Maybe he'd been on the ride too many times. Then there was a girl next to me with two crutches. She had definitely been on the ride too many times.

I got to the front of the queue. Then it was time for me to go on the ride: the world's third largest and third fastest roller coaster. I put everything in my coat pockets and zipped them up. I was feeling excited. I felt like a teenager again instead of a middle-aged man possibly suffering from prediabetes. I sat down in the car of the world's third fastest, third tallest roller coaster. I pulled down my restraint. We waited. A light turned green. The car of the world's third largest and third fastest roller coaster started moving forward slowly. Then without warning, the car shot forward like a bullet. It went from zero to 112 miles per hour in five seconds. I thought I heard a boom as we broke the sound barrier. We were going faster than light. My eyeballs were squashed into my head. Then the car shot straight up into the sky. The wind whipped my face. I screamed.

The car came to a brief stop at the very top of the ride. Then the ride shot back down again. The wind was threatening to rip my face clean off my head.

Thirty seconds after the ride had begun, it was all over. I got up and felt my face. Thankfully, it was still attached properly. I left the park feeling like those thirty seconds had probably been the single greatest moment of my life.

I went back to PortAventura and found my family. They were in a play area. 1-year-old was climbing up a ramp and 6-year-old was sliding down a slide.

"Ferrari Land's really good," I enthused to Girlfriend. "There's all these rides but there's no one on them. It's like the park's half-deserted."

"6-year-old's feeling tired," she said. "I think it would be best if we go home."

Night fell. We left the park. As we walked to the car, I took one last, longing look at the world's third largest and third fastest roller coaster. I realised I still had the Ferrari Land entrance ticket in my jeans pocket.

"Do you think I could go back to the park and have another go?" I asked Girlfriend.

But Girlfriend didn't hear me. She and the two kids had already walked off.

I didn't get to go on it again.