Dear Diary. I got a new tattoo. It's a triangle on the inside of my left bicep. The problem is though I asked for the lines to be too thick and now it's too late to get them thin. Girlfriend thinks the lines are way too thick and I hate to say it, but I think she's right. Now I've got this great big bold triangle tattooed onto my arm when I wanted something smaller and discreet. Why do they let idiots like me get tattoos? It's like letting a child loose in a gun shop. You just don't do it because it's obvious that the child doesn't know what he's doing. Just like how I don't know anything about tattoos. I'm retarded when it comes to tattoos just like I'm retarded with many, many other facets of life, including team sports, basic social interaction, emotions, and anything requiring common sense. They should make it harder for people to get tattoos. It’s far too easy: you just ask the tattoo artist what you want and they give it to you. What if you're stupid like me and you ask for an ugly tattoo? Well, they don't turn you down; no, they just sit down in a chair and tattoo it onto you. Maybe people should have to get a tattoo licence to get tattoos like how people have to have a gun licence to get guns. You'd have to pass a test that involves selecting good tattoos from bad tattoos on a computer screen. Only then would you be able to get a tattoo.

I showed my new triangle tattoo to Maria, the mom of one of 4-year-old’s school friends. Her expression was like a fake smile. And then she said the thing that people always say when you have a bad tattoo: "Do you like it?" I said, "Yes." Then she said, "If you like it, that's all that matters." When someone says that, you know that you've got a bad tattoo. I got a tattoo 10 years ago with the words Semper liber on my back. And the same thing happened, I remember I showed it to someone and they said "if you like it Paul that’s all it matters." Girlfriend is brutally honest about my tattoos. She doesn't like either of them, either the old one or the new one. She's the only opinion I can trust. So far my tattoo success rate is 0%. The thing is I thought this one would be good. I planned it for weeks. I asked Girlfriend for input and she approved my triangle idea and the place (my arm). She said it looked good but then I fucked up the thickness. So it's supposed to be like one millimetre thick but it's more like 8 millimetres think, which is way too much. Fuck. It makes me look like a stage magician like I'm going to start doing card tricks or something.

I guess I’ll just have to get used to it. It doesn't help that my skin is as white as an albino snowman making the tattoo stand out like a McDonald's sign in Vatican City. I shouldn't be trusted with tattoos. I would ideally like total power of tattoo choices given to a third party, like when a relative gets dementia and full control of their finances is given to their son or daughter. I'd like that but for tattoos. I hope that when I go to bed tonight, I'll wake up in the morning and discover that this whole tattoo incident was a weird, very vivid, very long dream and my arm will be bare and tattoo free again.