The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. We're setting out to the park when Girlfriend remembers she's forgotten something at home. So we go back to the apartment. But when she tries to open the front door, she can't.

"It's strange," she says. "I can't open the door."

"Fuck," I say.

"What?"

"I left my key in the lock," I say, "That's why you can't open the door."

My key is in the lock on the other side of the door. There's no way to get into our apartment now.

"I'm calling a locksmith," says Girlfriend.

"There's no need for a locksmith," I say. "I can break into our apartment. Easy."

"How?" she asks.

"It'll be easy," I say. "We’re always leaving windows open. I'll just find an open window."

"But you can't climb up to the windows. We live on the first floor of an apartment building."

"Yeah well, I'll climb up," I say. "Like Spiderman."

"You're not Spiderman. You're an idiot."

I go outside to see if I can climb up to the windows. But sadly, Girlfriend's right. It's too high.

Girlfriend's on the phone with the locksmith. I don't have much time to break in. I need to think of something FAST. Otherwise, I'll be paying €85 to some bald, middle-aged prick just to fiddle around with a lock for five minutes. And I can't let that happen.

I speak to the neighbours and explain the problem. They agree to let me into their apartment. From there, I can get into the lightwell: an external space in a building that lets light and air in. Little did the architect know that it would let me in as well.

From there, I can see our laundry room. And the door to the laundry room is unlocked! And the only thing between me and the apartment is some flimsy plastic slats! I'm excited. This is the way in. I start taking out the slats with a screwdriver. But I get a bit overexcited and the tip of the screwdriver flies off and disappears.

Never mind, I have another screwdriver. I manage to get two of the slats out. Then I start to squeeze through the hole I've created. But I get halfway and I fall. CRASH CLATTER CRASH.

"Are you okay?" asks the neighbour.

"Fine," I say.

The bad news is I've broken four slats. But the good news is the hole is big enough for me to climb through.

I climb through the hole, open the laundry room door, and open the front door! I've done it! And I saved myself €85! But at the same time, I also damaged some slats, which might cost more than €85 to repair.