Dear Diary. Yesterday, I did an Italki session with a girl in Barcelona. If you don't know what an Italki is, it's a language learning website where you pay people to talk with you in their language. I'm learning Catalan. So I looked up Catalan on the website. There were 80 people to choose from. I went with the first girl who looked attractive. She's 21 years old and she's called Maria.

Before the class, I was nervous, my heart was beating faster because of my social anxiety. And the idea of having to talk with someone for 45 minutes straight scares me. The class went pretty well though. I have this new honesty policy where when I talk to people, I tell them the truth. Usually, I would concoct lies to try to make my life seem less sad and strange and more normal. Like if someone asks if I have many friends back in England, I tell them that yes, I have several friends which is a lie. So I don't actually have any. Truthfully, I might have two or even three but I don't meet up with them when I'm in England. I tell Maria, about my social anxiety and my inability to talk to people and she finds it funny. It's ironic because here I am talking to her about not being able to talk to people. After the class, I feel a sense of immense relief that it's over. I grab an ice cream from the freezer and eat it without even barely noticing that I'm eating it. I barely taste it, I just gobble it down. I feel so happy that the class is over, I don't have to do it again until next week. So this is what it's come through. No one will talk to me or be my friends, I have to pay people to talk to me.