The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. We have a new boiler. It does the same thing as the old boiler so I don't know why we needed a new one. Then again, the old boiler was almost thirty years old and was probably doing something like leak carbon monoxide during the night while we slept. So maybe we did need a new one.

*****

Girlfriend showed me a drawing that 3-year-old did, I first thought it was just squiggles on the page. But then she pointed to the corner of the page: he’d written his name, his full name. And it’s the first time he's written his name in full.

"Wow!" I said, "That's good." It really was good.

"Well, I'm gonna put this in the bin then," I said.

You can't keep all the bits of paper that kids scribble on. Otherwise, your house would be full of paper.

Nad. Probably I'll keep it actually.

*****

I went to the toilet, took a poo and when I tried to get back out, I couldn’t open the lock on the door. And I was saying, "Girlfriend, I'm locked in the toilet, I'm locked in the toilet."

Then I realised my hands were slippery from soap and that's why I couldn't open the lock.

I dried my hands, opened the lock and went back to the living room. Girlfriend was in the living room. She saw me and said, "Were you saying something?"

"Nothing," I said. I was just locked in the toilet, that’s all.

*****

I went to the swimming pool. There were very few people. At one point I was the only person in the whole pool. Two lifeguards were sitting there watching me. If I started drowning, at least I'd have two people to save me.

There's no better place in Girona than the swimming pool. One of the walls is just a giant window and you can see the sky and the trees. The water's warm. Swimming up and down is relaxing and calm. Between laps, I stop and listen to the gentle splash of the water.

*****

After swimming, I'm walking home and I feel good. It’s a weird feeling, feeling good. I don't think I've ever felt good before. Maybe it's a bit like what heroin feels like, but without the comedown afterwards or the side effects.

Girlfriend is going away for the weekend with some friends to celebrate them all turning 40, I don't know why turning 40 is something to celebrate. It's something to mourn if anything. They should all be crying and wearing black outfits. Instead, they're driving four hours to go to a hotel and spa. I don't understand women.

Girlfriend's leaving me alone with 3-year-old for the weekend so we'll see how this goes. Honestly, it'll be a miracle if he's still alive by the end of it.

I took 3-year-old to the park and his friends were there. It was about six kids and their moms. Next to the park is a health food shop and one of the things they sell is salvia. Now from what I remember, salvia is a hallucinogenic drug. I took it once in Canada and every time I blinked, I saw eyes watching me. It was a bit scary.

"I want to try some," 3-year-old said.

"I'm not sure..." I said. I'm not sure that what? I'm not sure that a hallucinogenic drug is suitable for a three-year-old?

"Just a little bit daddy," he said. "I just want to try a little bit." He thinks he'll hallucinate he's a Paw Patrol dog or something.

"Maybe another day," I said.

We went back to the park. Some of the kids wanted me to swing them around and throw them in the air. So I swing them round and round and I was getting tired and dizzy.

And I said, "I'm just gonna do one more, I’m too dizzy."

So I picked up Bruna, who is 3-year-old’s friend and also one of the heavier kids. I started swinging her round and round by her armpits and the other kids were counting, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9..." And when I got to 10, I stopped and put her down, then Bruna stumbled over and smacked her head onto the concrete. She immediately burst into tears. I bent down to see if she was okay, and her mom came running over. Bruna had a big bump on her head. It was like something from a cartoon, like one of those massive bumps when Jerry hits Tom with a frying pan. I didn't know that they existed in real life. I thought they only existed in cartoons.

Bruna’s mom got some ice to put on her head and Bruna was okay after a few minutes. Probably she'll have only minor brain damage so that's alright at least. Maybe won't be able to tie her shoes or learn to read but you know, do you really need to read nowadays anyway?