Dear Diary. I've just woken up and need to do a poo.

So I go to the toilet. Do a poo. Wipe my bum.

Now I need to do another one.

So I do the second poo. Wipe my bum again.

Now I need to do a third one. At this point, I'm thinking something's wrong. Maybe I've eaten or drank something dodgy.

I do a third poo. Wipe my bum again.

Now I'm feeling sick. Like, feeling like I need to vomit. And the feeling's getting stronger. It's building up under my chin, the place where my neck starts. My churning bowels combined with my growing need to throw up are almost too much to bear. If a gun was next to me, I'd consider blowing my brains out.

Luckily I don’t own a gun. And luckily the sink's next to me in case I have to vomit.

I do a fourth poo. I don't vomit. I wipe my bum again, for what I hope is the last time.

I think it’s the tap water here. It’s okay in small amounts but when you drink a lot of it, like me, you end up getting the shits.

At least I can say I've had a free colonic irrigation. Some people pay €100 for that. Also, I probably lost a kilo of weight in the space of five minutes. Women at Weightwatchers pay money for that too.

Do men do Weightwatchers? I don't know.

*****

I go to the supermarket to buy some bottled water. To be honest I don't care what kind of container it comes in - bottle, tin, bucket - as long as it doesn't make me shit myself. I end up buying a giant 8 L bottle, which is tricky to carry back home, along with the rest of the shopping.