Dear Diary. We're at the beach. I'm wearing sunglasses which means I can look at topless women without fear of being spotted. Honestly, for quite a lot of the time I’m at the beach, I am looking at topless women.

Seeing a topless woman doesn't make me as excited as I used to anymore. Maybe it's because I’m 34 instead of a horny teenager. Or maybe it's because I've spent my life wanking to porn. Whatever it is, it makes me sad.

A girl is putting a towel down on the sand. She does it gently and looks pleased with the towel placed perfectly on the sand.

Why can’t I put a towel down on the sand like that? When I do it, I just throw the towel on the sand like I don't care.

I go in the sea, up to my chin, and tread water. I have a fear of drowning, I realise. It probably comes from playing Sonic as a kid, where scary music plays whenever Sonic is about to drown.

I'm also scared that a jellyfish will sting me. This is not entirely a baseless fear because a jellyfish stung me when I was on holiday as a teenager.

I'm scared of lots of things, basically.

I brought my swimming goggles with me, Something I’ve never had at the beach before. When I stick my head in the water I see everything clearly. It’s just like playing Subnautica. If you haven't played Subnautica yet, then I recommend it. That's scary too, but at least it's the good kind of scary where you don't get hurt in real life.