Fuck you, Windows 10 start menu
Remember when the Windows start menu looked like this?
It was a simpler time. It was a happier time. By and large, you could find programs when you needed to. You knew where you stood with this start menu.
But now we're faced with this monstrosity:
What's wrong with it, you ask? There's plenty wrong with it. Why don't you take a minute and sit right there, and I'll tell you why Windows 10 makes me swear.
I don't like tiles
Let's start with the tiles. Why are there tiles? No wait, I can already answer that. It's because Microsoft designed the menu for touch screens. The big tiles are easy for our fingers to press.
But here's the thing - my computer doesn't have a touch screen. So I can't touch the tiles. So how about if Windows had text instead of tiles? That's a good idea, Microsoft. Write that down.
The Email tile wants me to buy Viagra
Now let's move onto the specific tiles. First, the Email tile. This is basically a slide show of all my unread emails. This is unnecessary because I read my emails with an internet browser. Putting emails in the start menu just makes me feel guilty for trying to avoid reading them.
Recently I received an email about Viagra, so of course, the Email tile displayed it right on my start menu:
Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but you'd never see the phrase 'carnal pleasure' on the Windows 98 start menu.
The Contacts tile shows people I don't care about
The Contacts tile is a slideshow like the Emails tile, except this is a slideshow of your contacts. But there's a problem - I barely know some of these people. So do I really want to see their faces every time I press the Windows key? No, because some of them are quite ugly. It makes me wish I'd befriended more supermodels.
Take the photo below for example.
That's a Saudi man with his two children. They're on my start menu because he's in my Skype contacts, and he's in my Skype contacts because I worked with him last year. Even though I don't want to talk to him ever again, here he is, on my start menu, along with his two kids.
Now every time I open the Start menu, their accusing faces stare at me, silently damning me, like sad, angry ghosts. They seem to be saying, "Why you no speak us? Why, Paul, why? We starve because of you."
The Photos tile is annoying
I think the worst tile of all is the Photos tile. It's a slide show of pictures from my Pictures folder. Sounds like a good idea, right? After all, wouldn't you like to see your photos every time you hit the Windows key? The answer is, of course, no. If you answered 'yes' then punch yourself in the face.
Look how shit and pixellated this photo looks. The Windows 10 start menu did that. I can't even see those kids' faces anymore. Their faces are just a pixellated mess.
Here's four reasons why the Photos tile is a bad idea:
- Reason #1: The photos are distracting, irrelevant and annoying. It's especially distracting because the photo changes every five seconds. Our stupid brains are programmed to pay attention to movement, which means my eyes flit to the tile every time it changes, like a fly attracted to dog shit.
- Reason #2: I keep my porn in the Pictures folder. So that means my start menu has a picture of a big-breasted midget doing unspeakable things to a donkey. Try explaining that to your Grandma.
- Reason #3: Windows picks the photos randomly. There's no logic or reason. My Photos tile currently displays: my sister biting her thumb; my living room table; a screenshot from my phone; an anonymous patch of blue sky; a girl and woman I don't even know. And these same inane photos appear every time I open the start menu.
- Reason #4: The tile is a slideshow of just five photos. You'd think it would display more, but no.
There's pointless empty space
What's all this space doing here? Couldn't there be something more helpful, like the Playboy calendar?
I don't like the word 'apps'
Why have Windows start calling programs 'apps'? What's wrong with the word 'program'? The word app makes my computer sound like a smartphone. Maybe Microsoft loves smartphones! Woooooooooo! Microsoft and smartphones, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Some of the tiles are adverts
Now this really grinds my bacon. Near the top of the Start menu is a Minecraft tile. The only purpose of this tile is to get me to buy Minecraft. So it's practically advertising. Same for the Shop tile and the Xbox Store tile. They're all an insidious and greedy way to get money from me. The start menu used to open programs; now it's becoming a Microsoft store.
A special message for Bill Gates
So finally, I want to address Bill Gates personally. Yes, I know you read my blog, Bill. And I know you're reading this right now. Well, here's what I want to say to you:
I already paid for my laptop. Therefore I shouldn't be seeing your fucking adverts in the goddamn fucking operating system. I think you'll agree that you're fairly rich, Bill. So I don't think you need to monetize every goddamn little thing. What's next, Bill - €5 to use Microsoft Paint? You won't be happy until you've prised every single goddamn cent from my cold dead hands, will you? You used to be cool, Bill. You used to be cool.
Comments
2023-09-06 Normal Guy
They do it on purpose. They want us to suffer.
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2016-06-08
Most of the adverts aren't Bill Gate's adverts.
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2017-03-26
I agree, f**k off windows 10 start menu.
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2017-04-06
AGREE
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2017-07-20 P Wright
And the photos. Cure but I did not ask for them and want to ask for Not Them or any other smoochy shit.
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2017-08-16 P Wright
Agree from depths of my colon
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2017-11-12 Kristianne & Libby
"You used to be cool, Bill." What happened to you, Bill? We tried to give you everything we could. There was a time we loved you unconditionally and you gave your love to us.. Wasn't that enough?
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2018-07-24 Slayer
You do realize Bill doesn't work for MS and hasn't since the middle of Windows 7's development, right? That is probably where the issue is - He left the company in the hands of a bunch of incompetent idiots and now we are being delivered complete garbage!
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2017-12-15 Caligula
Why is it so hard to add an app to the W-10 start menu? I did it once but I forgot the 200 keystrokes needed to do it again. Every google search turns up totally incorrect suggestions...
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2018-01-17 Joe Citizen
Fucking Micro$oft changes shit on the end user because they think it's cool. Fuck M$, I say. I am so fucking fed up with trying to chase the cheese down the ever-changing maze. What the fuck is wrong with those people?! Sorry for my fucking profanity, but I'm fucking pissed!
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2018-02-04 not yo mama
This is ridiculous. If it ain't broke, Microsoft is going to fix it and fix it and fix it anyway....because they can and because they like to mess with people and make them BUY, BUY, BUY!
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2018-02-09 anonymous and fuck you microsoft windows 10
where the fuck is the start menu. it's impossible to find on this fucking piece of shit windows 10
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2018-04-21 Jonathan Stone
Agree with everything said here. Unfortunately when one company has such a monopoly, and are somehow allow to give away their operating system for free (essentially killing off the competition for another generation), this is what happens. The user ends up being the Beta tester for the company. I hate the Windows 10 menu. On every machine that I use it, it is unbearably slow. I replace every single one with Classic Shell. A third party company has written a program to put back the menu to what it was instead of the sales tool menu that MS has with Windows 10. The software industry really needs more regulation.
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2018-04-27 Chris
I totally agree with this subject completely! I do not like The start up Menus because its to damn confusing!!
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2018-06-27 Roger Sillito
Very good - I came here by accident having searched for "windows 10 where the f#ck is the start menu folder".
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2018-07-24 Slayer
I'm glad I'm not the only one. The start menu sucks on Win 8 and 10 even if they aren't exactly the same style of start menus. Yes, it sucks, and it's using up resources your computer could be using for more important things. At least you can always install Classic Shell, but why do you have to rely on 3rd party software to make the shit you paid for work the way it's supposed to? I hate to break it to you, though. Bill Gates has nothing to do with this. He left Microsoft in mid-production during Windows 7's development. If anything, it's his fault for leaving the company to a bunch of brain-dead idiots with no actual technical experience in this field! This shit (among other Win8+10 issues) is just fucking awful!
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2018-08-17 FUCKWINDOWS
win10 is god awful,the stuff that used to be self explanatory,i now need to search internet for the tutorial,and i have a hard time following and executing tutorials, im so baffled by this. FUCK WINDOWS 10 AND WHOEVER MADE THIS STUPID SHIT IN TO EXISTENCE.
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2018-09-03 andy "I hate microshit, kill the fuckers" tomlinson
Linux Linux Linux MS are out of the game. Eventually they will die quietly in the corner - right now we need to ignore them. Don't use their shit! Why do you need to be told this?
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2018-09-08 Nodody
And they were like with windows 10 we brought back the start menu! Fucking lying sacks of shit
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2019-02-15 Michael
Fuck the start menu. You know what, Fuck it. I shrink the fucking things as small as I can and I make them look as not awful as I can. I space them out into grid design shit because it looks better than what MS does. But then sometimes, not every time, not often, not predictably, but SOMETIMES when you move on tile every tile under where it had been slides up instantly into a mass of shit. Whu the fuck would they possibly do that? And the fucking spacers that I can't control or remove or do shit about suddenly deciding I'm not allowed to have those things by each other, I need a labeled fucking space. A labeled fucking line to let me know what's in the next area, because the giant fucking pictures they default to using didn't make it clear enough and there was one asshole in Iowa who said labels could help. He can't fucking read anyway, shit audience to cater to. And it's not just "apps" now. I just reinstalled Windows 10 and it wanted to download an installer form the store... to allow me to "sideload" "apps" from non-official sources. For my convenience. When the fuck did the basic ability to install a program become a developer setting? The technology hadn't really changed that dramatically in how it interfaces, it seems like people have spent the last 20 years eating paint chips. Didn't we have an antitrust lawsuit for pushing/including IE? How the fuck is it ok for every system to be working on becoming entirely closed? That sure as hell isn't going to end up with more people being tech literate. When shit's so locked down it's like you're raising a generation in a padded room with bicycle helmets glued on that's all most of them will be capable of. You can say the words "think outside the box" to them as much as you want but when the only thing they have experience with or understand is moving from one safe fully boxed off ecosystem to another there is no outside. I vote civil war. I mean, fuck it. I'm tired of my routine anyway. Lets do that thing from Fight Club.
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2019-08-08 Edward L. Joyal, Jr.
YES YES YES - SOME STUPID IT LAB RAT WITH SKINNY RED JEANS AND SPIKED BLUE HAIR DESIGNED THIS WONDERFUL NEW SCREEN BECAUSE "IT" HAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO FOR THE 1 HR A DAY IT ISN'T STARING AT AN I PHONE SCREEN
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2020-01-18 Abir Khokhar
Agree, and that is not the only problem. As soon as I installed Windows 10, I encountered many problems. First with the resolution, then with updates not working(and later updates thrown at my face every now and then), then with older games not working. Later I realized they have completely dropped support for secdrv which caused many old games to not run, and they seemed to have 'patched' workarounds people posted online, in updates. Some people say dropping full support for security issues is unreasonable and Windows is doing it because they are competing with TiVo in market. They took away the windows we loved and adored(till 7, 7 was good, felt a lot like 2000 and XP) and gave us this money mill. Windows 10 does not feel like an evolution of Windows, it did not add anything new and useful, just spyware, it feels more like a mutation of Windows, a resident evil-level bad one. I want the old windows back, not this thing.
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