The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Why can’t we just replace people with robots? I don’t mean replace jobs with robots. That's already being done. I mean replace actual people with robots. Get rid of all the people in the world and use robots instead.

People = bad

People are so sensitive. All it takes is one wrong phrase - "I’m really glad your mum is dead, she was a right bitch" for example - and they get upset and don't talk to you for the rest of their lives. Though to be fair, if someone never wants to talk to me again, I consider that a victory.

You have to treat people with care as if they're unexploded grenades from World War I. You can’t just say things like, "You're fat" or "Your clothes look stupid" even if it's true. Honestly, I mean - come on. People are so sensitive that they're like babies, if babies could dress themselves and get jobs. People will cry at the drop of a hat, especially if that hat belongs to a relative who just keeled over from a heart attack.

And you can't just order people around either. No, you have to say things like 'thank you' and 'please', and actually mean it, or at least seem to.

Computers = good

Computers are better than people. You can tell them what to do and they just do it. I like that. I like their cold, unfeeling interiors. I can relate to them because I feel the same way.

Computers are basically people but better in every aspect. They not only do sums better but they can also do most jobs about a billion times faster and with no mistakes. And they don't feel pain, they don't need sleep, and they don't get bored.

So why do we have so many people around when computers are obviously better? Computers are fundamentally better than people. So we should replace all people with computers.

And not just some people. We should replace all the people. The entire world's population. With robots. Except for me of course, because I was the one who thought up the idea.

Imagine it: no more people blabbering on about Cindy Crawford. Instead we'd have robots blabbering on Cindy Crawford by the office water cooler, while they simultaneously process billions of calculations to solve global warming. No more people plodding along the street with their fat and sweaty arses. Instead we'd have robots plodding along the street with shiny metallic arses.

I'm bad at basic human interaction

Surprise surprise, I hate dealing with people. As a man with likely traits of Aspergers, interacting with people is one of my weaknesses, along with football and emotions. Every human interaction gives me a bit of dread.

It's because I'm crap at it. I pretty much fail at every single human interaction in my day to day life. I'm charmless and rude. I don't mean to be, it's just that I don't know what to say to people.

The copy shop - "I don't care"

Here's a story to illustrate my point.

When I was a university student, I once went to the university's copy shop to get an essay bound. The middle-aged woman behind the counter smiled and asked me, "What colour would you like for your cover?" She spread out twenty different covers, each a different colour.

Now, I honestly didn't care what colour cover she bound my essay with. I really didn't care - red, green, blue - it was all the same to me.

And in this situation, you're supposed to say, “I don’t mind”, That's what normal people do.

But I didn't know this so instead I said, bluntly, “I don't care”. I thought that was an okay thing to say to convey my lack of preference.

The effect of my three words - “I don't care” - was that everyone suddenly stopped talking, like when a stranger walks into a saloon a Western movie. And the copy shop woman suddenly became visibly upset, as if I had slapped her or told her that her job was shit. She went from joyful to upset in 0.5 seconds, which I believe was a record for me at the time. She looked like she was about to cry.

And the other students were shocked at what I’d said. It was as if I'd said, "I support Nazism so let's kill all the Jews".

In a quiet, trembling voice the woman told me to wait while she bound the essay, so I sat down on a chair to wait. Sitting next to me was a girl who kept looking at me with a confused and appalled expression on her face as if I was an evil dictator along like Hitler or Mussolini. She couldn't understand why I’d said such a mean, horrible thing to this poor copy shop woman.

But I hadn’t meant any harm or insult to anyone. I really didn't. All I wanted to do is indicate my lack of preference for cover design. I hope you understand that, because no-one there did.

It wasn't over yet though because the copy shop woman decided to take revenge on me. Yes, that's right, she took revenge. And what was to be my punishment? Well, when she'd finished binding my essay, she left it in her heating device instead of calling me over to give it to me. This was the device that warms the pages slightly to make the glue dry faster or something. You’re only meant to leave the essay in there for five minutes, just long enough for the glue to dry, but she left it in there for an hour. Eventually, I asked one of her colleagues, a man who hadn't been there at this time of the incident, if my essay was ready yet. I told him that I had been waiting for an hour and he was shocked that I’d been waiting for so long. He handed me the essay and apologised.

I flicked through the essay to make sure none of the pages were burned, but it was fine. I’ll never get that hour back though. I could have spent that hour working on a cure for cancer or solving global warming. And that's why we should replace everyone with robots. So I don't have to deal with shit like this all the time.

Conclusion

Replace everyone with robots. You know it makes sense.