The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

I once lived in a house in Bournemouth for two years. I saw a variety of flatmates come and go. They were all alright. All of them, except for Kevin.

Fucking Kevin. I still shudder when I hear his name.

Some facts about Kevin:

• He was short and fat and always had an anxious expression on his face as if at any moment someone was going to hit him
• He laughed out loud while watching Chuckle Brothers. It's a show for kids.
• To maximise the rental income of the property, the landlord converted a downstairs office room into a third bedroom. This was Kevin's room. It was just a mattress on the floor.
• One time, after having a shower, Kevin sat on his bed in his towel and proceeded to have an entire conversation with me while I was preparing dinner in the kitchen. The whole time I could see his belly and his man-boobs.
• He had a high-pitched and annoying voice.
• He had a cat called Toots. When he spoke to the cat, his voice became even high-pitched and child-like, like he was talking to a baby.
• Toots's litter box was right next to the kitchen. Because of this, the kitchen always smelled of cat shit. Eventually, I got used to the smell of cat shit in the kitchen and I couldn't smell it anymore. I don't know what's worse: your kitchen smelling of cat shit or knowing it smells of cat shit but you can't smell it anymore.
• One time, when he was out of the house, I went into his room and snooped around, which admittedly I shouldn't have done, breach of privacy and all that, but I had to make sure he didn't have any weapons he was planning to kill me with, and I found a big long purple dildo in his cupboard. You think I'm making this up but I'm not. Big long purple dildo. In his cupboard. It was there.
• Kevin had a girlfriend called Sarah. She worked in the local Tesco's and she was fat, even fatter than Kevin. Though if Kevin was a loser and yet somehow still able to get a girlfriend, then what does this say about me, someone who was unable to get a girlfriend at all. Thinking about it, the big long purple dildo was probably for her, not for Kevin, and I don't want to think about it any more thanks.
• His sole hobby, as far as I could tell, was motorbikes. He wore a motorbike jacket (it was leather and had patches on and stuff), he watched motorbike racing on TV, and he had one poster on his bedroom wall, that of a motorbike. He didn't own a motorbike. He couldn't afford one.

Toot's escape attempt #1

Kevin's cat was always trying to escape from the house. I don't blame her; she was probably just trying to get away from Kevin. She made a successful escape attempt one day when she jumped out my bedroom window. We found her in the garden, fortunately uninjured. I could no longer leave my bedroom window open after that.

Toot's escape attempt #2

Another day I came home to find Kevin's cat sitting on the roof of my car. Fuck sake, I thought. I knew Kevin would be upset to find out his cat was loose so I spent an hour trying to coax his stupid cat back inside the house. But it was to no avail. Every time I got near the cat, she would run away. There was no way she was going back inside the house and back to Kevin. Not after this taste of freedom.

Kevin finally came home. I explained to him that his cat had escaped and was now sitting on the neighbour's lawn.

He took one look at the cat and said, "That's not Toots."

Shit. It wasn't his cat. Thinking back, the fact that this cat was bright orange and Kevin's cat was black and white should have given it away. It should have done but I couldn't remember what his cat looked like.

We went inside and eventually found Toots, the real Toots, hiding under my bed. She'd been there all along.

I thought you worked on Thursdays

Another time, I was having a lie-in, but Kevin woke me up by knocking on my door. I opened my eyes and there was Kevin's fat, stupid face peering down at me. He had already opened my bedroom door and was standing there, looking at me.

"Paul," he said in a worried tone. "You're going to be late for work!"

"It's my day off," I groaned.

"Oh sorry," he said, "I thought you worked on Thursdays?"

"I do. But I have a day off today"

"Oh. Sorry."

I couldn't get back to sleep after that. That really annoyed me because I had insomnia at the time and any sleep was as precious to me as a Sultan's rubies.

Also, I think Kevin just wanted to make sure the house was empty so he and his girlfriend could have loud sex in the living room. Either that or so he could walk around naked and rub his willy on things, like my pillow for instance.

If you're reading this Kevin, then fuck you! Also, I hope you saved up enough money to live out your dream and buy a motorbike.