I made my own sherbet and it was shit

30th June 2020 Paul Chris Jones

I reckon I can topple Big Sugar by making my own sherbet. I'm going to do it. I'm going to make my own sherbet.

Ingredients

Wikipedia says that sherbet has three ingredients. These ingredients are:

Alkaline powder
Acidic powder
Sugar

1. Alkaline powder

I have baking soda. According to the internet, that's an alkaline powder. So far, so good.

2. Acidic powder

According to sciencing.com, some acids you can find at home are:

Detergent
Bleach
Ammonia

For some reason I suspect none of these would be good for making sherbet though. Unless you wanted your sherbet to kill someone.

According to someone's blog, you can buy citric acid as a powder from Asian supermarkets. Asia's a bit far for me to go though – the furthest I've been is Wales.

Will lemon juice do? It's not a powder but it is lemon juice, and that's more than you can say for most powders. I'm going to use lemon juice.

3. Sugar

I have sugar but I'm not sure I want to put it in. I want my sherbet to be healthy or at least as healthy as sherbet can ever be. What does Wikipedia say?

To mask the unappetising flavour of the reactive powders, a large amount of sugar is added
wikipedia.org

A large amount of sugar is added. A large amount.

So sherbet without sugar tastes shit basically. I'm disappointed. I thought I could make a sherbet without sugar. A sherbet you can eat all day long without getting cavities in your teeth. The dream of our generation has been crushed.

Fuck it, I'm not going to add sugar. The lemon juice has sugar in it anyway so I should be alright.

The dream lives on.

4. Sweetener?

Given that I'm not using sugar, I could use sweetener instead. There's one problem though: I don't have any.

Anyway, eating copious amounts of sweetener gives you diarrhoea or so I've heard. You can summarise the advantages and disadvantages of sweetener like this:

Advantages of sweetener

It's not sugar

Disadvantages of sweetener

Makes you shit yourself

The result

So I put some baking soda in a bowl and then squirted some lemon juice on it. The mixture instantly fizzed and grew into foam:

The science

The bubbles and foam are carbon dioxide. When you mix acid, alkaline and water you get CO2. It's the same trick kids use to make volcanoes for science fairs.

So every time you eat a double-dip you are actually eating a volcano. At least, I think that's how it works.

The taste

Even though it's sugar-free, it's not bad. It has a nice lemon flavour. It actually does taste (a bit) like sherbet.

Actually, it is pretty bad.

The after-effects

An hour later: I'm beginning to feel a bit sick. I can still taste the baking soda in my mouth. I wish I hadn't eaten the whole bowl.

Two hours later: I keep burping. And every time I burp there's the taste of baking soda in my mouth again, plus a bit of bile. I definitely wish I hadn't eaten the whole bowl. Also, I am not sure if the baking soda was actually designed for human consumption.

Three hours later: The effects of the sherbet are wearing off now, thank god. Have I toppled Big Sugar yet? I'm not sure.

Advantages and disadvantages of making your own sherbet at home

Here is a summary of the advantages and disadvantages of making your own sherbet at home.

Advantages of making your own sherbet at home

The sherbet is completely fresh
It might be cheaper than buying it at the shop. Then again, it might be more expensive
Sugar-free
You don't have to talk to the man at the corner shop or indeed any other human being

Disadvantages of making your own sherbet at home

You have to make it yourself
It might kill you
It tastes like shit

Warning

If you want to make your own sherbet at home, then please make sure that you use the correct white powder. You do not want your homemade sherbet fountain of eternal youth to become a fountain of eternal death instead.

Do not use washing detergent

For example, do not accidentally use washing detergent. That could kill you.

Do not use cocaine and/or heroin

Do not accidentally use cocaine or heroin to make sherbet. They can also kill you. I find that it is best to label your bags of cocaine and heroin with big labels, COCAINE and HEROIN, for this purpose, so you don't mix them up with your sodium bicarbonate.

Do not make street sherbet

Also, do not use cocaine or heroin on purpose to make what the kids call 'street sherbet', 'crazy sherbet' or 'super sherbet'. That can also kill you.