The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Sega

Sega's first successful games console was called the Master System. The naming of the Master System was aggressive and dominant. While Nintendo chose the friendly, functional name “Nintendo Entertainment System”, Sega chose “Master System”, implying their console is the best console, the master console, the one console to rule them all, the best console there will ever be.

Master System's name: 3/10

Sega painted themselves into a corner because they couldn't top the name of their next console. Once you reach the level of Master, what comes next? Nothing comes next; that's what. A master is someone who has already achieved complete skill and ability in something. You can't go higher than Master. So maybe they could have called their next console the Master System 2? No, that would be too simple. They called it the Mega Drive. Sega's plan was clear: add meaningless superlative prefixes like "Mega" and "Master" to their console names, in the hope it swayed the public away from Nintendo.

The Mega Drive was called the Genesis in North America. Genesis is even worse! Genesis means "beginning", so it would make sense if the Genesis was Sega's first console, but actually, the Genesis was Sega's third console, so why is it called Genesis?!

Mega Drive's name: 6/10

What did Sega call their next console? The Ultra Drive? The Hyper Max System? No, Sega's next console was the Sega Saturn; the name of a planet. And the code name for the Sega Saturn was Jupiter, and the code name for the Sega Game Gear was Mercury. There was also a Sega Pluto, which was never released. So it's clear Sega was simply going through the names of planets in the solar system. Would there have been a Sega Uranus?

Sega Saturn's name: 5/10

Sega called their final console the Dreamcast, which, to be fair, is a good name. It's a nice, evocative name. In the late 90s, before terrorism, everything was aspirational and hopeful, and things had "dream" in their names, like DreamWorks and Dreamweaver. And the code name for the Dreamcast was the Dolphin, which is an even nicer name. Dolphins are friendly, playful creatures that live in the glittering sea, a giant playground without the restraints of gravity.

Dreamcast's name: 9/10

Final score: 5.8/10

Nintendo

Nintendo has a lot of consoles, so I'm starting with the N64. The N64 is named after its 64-bit processor. Back then, the N64's main competitor was the PlayStation, which only had 32 bits. So Nintendo's idea was to name their console N64 and impress people with the number of bits in their console. The logic is obvious: the higher the number of bits, the better the console. (Little did we know back then that 64 was the highest number of bits we were ever going to get. Even the latest consoles like the PlayStation 5 only have 64 bits.)

N64's name: 4/10

A few years later, Nintendo had a new console. This conversation took place at Nintendo headquarters in Japan:

"What shall we call this one? The N128?"

"Well, it only has 64 bits... so we need a different name."

"Well, it's cube-shaped, and you can play games on it..."

"What about a GameCube?"

"Good enough. Let's go home."

GameCube's name: 3/10

The name of Nintendo's next console was even worse: The Wii. The first time I heard it, I thought it was a joke. Wii sounds the same as wee, which means urine.

Wii's name: 1/10

What comes after Wii? A Wii 2? No, a Wii U. As in: We. You.

Wii U's name: 1/10

Nintendo's latest console is called a Switch, which is actually a good name. It's short, catchy, and describes the console: you switch from playing on a handheld screen to the TV.

Switch's name: 9/10

Final score: 3.5/10

Microsoft

In 2000, richest-man-in-the-world Bill Gates announced Microsoft was making a game console. At that time, Microsoft was only known for the operating system Windows and boring programs like Microsoft Word and Microsoft Excel. Their most famous games thus far had been Solitaire, Minesweeper, and SkiFree. I remember jokes at the time: Would the console have a Start menu? Would Clippy the paperclip pop up occasionally to ask if you need help playing the game? Would you get a blue screen of death just before reaching save points?

Microsoft called their first console the Xbox. The X came from DirectX, Microsoft's interface designed to create 3D graphics efficiently. But at the time, I imagined the conversation at Microsoft probably went like this:

"Well, we have a video game console now. What do we call it?"

"Well, it's basically a box. But we can't just call it a box; we need to make it sound cool and mysterious."

"Well, there's the X-Files and the X-Men... so what about the X... box?"

"That's a good start. Something like that but better."

But they couldn't think of anything better, so they called it the Xbox. I laughed in disbelief when I first heard the name. It's like a name a teenage boy would come up with. And why "box"? It evokes a cardboard box, not a game console.

Name of the Xbox: 3/10

A few years later, Microsoft had to name their second console:

"Right, we've got a new console. It's the second Xbox, and we need a name."

"If it's the second Xbox, why don't we call it the Xbox 2?"

"The Xbox 2? The Xbox 2? We can't call it that! Nintendo has an N64 for Christ's sake! Do you know how big the number 64 is? I don't personally know, because I can't count higher than ten, but I know it's a lot bigger than two!"

"What about the Xbox 64? Because the first Xbox had 32 bits, and the new one has 64 bits."

"No! We can't call it that! Nintendo already has 64! We need a bigger number to beat Nintendo! The higher the number, the better the console! Everyone knows that!"

"Xbox 100?"

"Even bigger!

"What about Xbox 360?"

"Does anyone in the room know a number bigger than 360?"

*silence in the room*

"Okay, Xbox 360 it is then."

Xbox 360. Why 360? Why such a large, arbitrary number? Because there are 360 degrees in a circle? What does a circle have to do with a game console? They might as well have called it the Xbox 2000 or Xbox 3000, like the trope of inventors adding 2000 or 3000 as a suffix to the name of their inventions, to make their invention sound more futuristic.

Name of Xbox 360: 1/10

But the worst was yet to come. Microsoft had a new console, and they needed a name. Their first console was the Xbox, and the second console was the Xbox 360, so what should the third console be called? The conversation at Microsoft went like this:

"Right. We have the Xbox and the Xbox 360. We need a name for the third console."

"What about Xbox 3?"

"No, that's too logical, too simple. Besides, a three is smaller than 360."

"What about Xbox 361?"

"Again, too logical. We need to think illogically."

"Xbox 720? Keep adding 360 to the number each time?"

"Too logical! What do I keep saying! We need an illogical name! We need something totally weird and strange!"

"What about... the Xbox One?"

"Yes! Great! That's perfect!"

The Xbox One. The Xbox ONE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOW DID YOU GET FROM 360 BACK TO 1?

And the first console is the Xbox One! So now what, there are two Xbox Ones??

Name of Xbox One: 0/10

After that, I lost track, but Wikipedia tells me the next consoles were called Xbox Series X and Xbox Series S. And the X and the S don't even stand for anything. X is the more powerful, expensive option; S is the budget option, but where did the letters come from? Microsoft just picked them at random.

Did anyone at Microsoft stop to think that the name "Xbox Series X" might have too many X's? As if the more X's a console has, the better it is. Maybe soon they'll have a console called the Xbox XXX, and it will only have porn games.

Microsoft has also said their latest consoles are simply called "Xbox". You can't just call it "Xbox". The first Xbox was called an Xbox, so you can't reuse the name. That's like the all-female reboot of Ghostbusters that was just called Ghostbusters. It gets confusing.

Microsoft has a bad habit of calling things weird names. There was Windows 8 and Windows 10, but where was Windows 9? Answer: There was no Windows 9. They simply skipped it. Bill Gates must have said, "The people are thick; they even won't notice, just skip it."

Name of Xbox Series X and Series S: 0/10

Final score: 1/10

Sony

I remember when the first PlayStation came out. One person at Sony said, "What shall we call this console?" and another person said, "Well, it's like a station where you play, so let's just call it a PlayStation." Totally unimaginative.

Name of the PlayStation: 3/10

However, Sony has continued naming their consoles sensibly, with PlayStation 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5, so hats off to them. Well done, Sony, for being the only company with sensible console names.

Numbering of subsequent Sony consoles: 10/10

Final score: 6.5/10