It's time for a change. I'm tired of this life. I'm not talking about a change of city, or a change of underwear. No. A person change. I don't want to be myself anymore.

All these years, spent being practically disabled. I'm tired of it. Not just tired of it, I'm sick of it. I don't want to be that person anymore. I feel like I've been down a hole. I want to waste time. I want to drink. I want to have friends. I want to complain about normal things, and laugh and joke and talk bullshit.

But being normal. It's so... urgh. (And inarticulacy... it's so... cool!) People take life for granted. And so they should, too. We only have one, and it's a bloody long one. It depends how you look at it - either you like life, and you think you don't have enough time alive, or you see life as a burden, in which case life is too long and you look forward to dying. I'm straddling the two groups, but I really want to be in the first. I want it so badly that I close my eyes and cross my legs and pray that God doesn't know so he can't take it away from me. Hallelujah.

Let me start from the beginning. Or the end, if you like - the end of an era. A week ago, a doctor told me I have hypothyroidism. The symptoms of hypothyroidism are a lack of energy, brain fog, minor depression, as well as host of other cool stuff. He gave me a prescription for a synthetic drug; the equivalent of what my thyroid gland should be making. It can take a few weeks to alleviate the symptoms, but I think I'm already starting to feel better. Yesterday, someone asked me how I was. Perhaps for the first time in my life, I didn't have to lie.

Tonight I wanted to go out and get drunk with my girlfriend. Normally I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to. I'd have a headache or feel a bit shitty or tired. But tonight, I was like, yeah, life! I want some! I want some fucking life. I want to want life. I want to feel the age I actually am. I want to blow up my old life with TNT and then put the shards back together with nostalgia.

I remember something someone told me once. Don't be ashamed of who you are, he said. You are human. Hm. Quotes are over-simplified.

I'll put my cards on the table. I'm placing all my bets on this synthroid doing something. The doc says (and google) that I'll feel the effects gradually over the next few weeks. Why don't people talk about this more? Fuck your newspapers. This is where the real stories are. Man recovers from hypothyroidism, that should be your headline.

I want my sense of smell back.

And to feel young again.

And to be "normal" (and don't tell me that normalcy doesn't exist. I can see it on their faces, these people who I shared the planet with. They're normal. I'm not.).

I want an end to this bullshit. This fucking bullshit. And that is why this is the end of who I am, if all goes to plan. A new life. My life from scratch. It wouldn't be the first time.

You'll see.