The following post contains disturbing drawings my sister and I did at nursery. You have been warned.

A baby can crawl

I drew this as a young child. It’s supposed to be a baby.

But that's not a baby. It looks like something that crawls along the walls in a horror film. A tree come to life, its arms are clawed branches and its mouth is a terrible grin.

It looks like an orangutan with rabies. And I’m not even sure orangutans can get rabies. This one somehow has. And it has two huge eyes, two whirlpools of madness. You can see the universe through those eyes.

I can’t stop looking at it. Someone send help.

A drawing of our family

In this picture:

Adam, who is just a head and two legs

Me (Paul), ditto

Daddy, also just a head and two legs but also wearing sunglasses now

Mummy, also a head and two legs but somehow looking more frightening than the rest of us put together, a kind of a cross between a chimp and a lady with a perm.

I can not plant a tree

This picture looks fairly normal at first but then, upon closer inspection, the tree seems to have green hair, shoulders and a mouth. Then there's the sentence at the top: "I can not plant a tree". That’s a strange thing for the teacher to write given that a) trees are not difficult to plant, you just dig a small hole and toss the seed inside, even a three-year-old could that and b) they must have tested my ability to plant trees at some point by giving me a tree to plant, and I failed the test, I couldn’t plant it, and that is why it says I can’t plant a tree. Otherwise, how does the teacher know I can’t plant a tree?

Perhaps it's no wonder I didn’t want to plant trees, I was probably scared of them coming to life and eating me.