Dear Diary. Today's Sunday. Went to a Bodypump class at the gym. I like these classes as they’re full of attractive women. For example, there’s a woman called Carol who’s so beautiful that angels sing whenever she walks past. It’s my hope that one day I’ll have a girlfriend like Carol, which is why I go to the gym: so attractive women will think I’m hot and then I can choose from among them, like a chieftain choosing among his concubines.

Usually the squats give me lower back pain but today I got the form right and I felt like Mr. Motivator. For the first time squats weren’t a painful chore but actually fun. It helps I’ve been stretching my back this week. I used to have the back of a 70-year-old but thanks to stretching, I’ve now got the supple and flexible back of a Russian teenage gymnast. These aren’t quick 2-minute stretches mind you: on the first day I stretched for 2 hours over the course of the day. It felt like the White Queen of Narnia was inhabiting my lower back and now I’ve exorcised that bitch.

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We went to Gordon's apartment for lunch. The din of a Dire Straits concert was blaring from the TV. (He didn't turn it off, and it was playing for the entire three hours we were there.)

While he was cooking lunch, I had a look around the apartment. Under the TV was a complete box set of the drama series Sharpe, starring Sean Bean. On the table stood the card from Gordon's party in May. Inside was my writing: "It's great to have met you. Happy 25th anniversary." Next to the greetings card was his table name place card, with the word "Gordon" in gold calligraphy.

Next to his bedroom was a creepy hand-drawn sign for the toilets that said "Little girls room".

But it was in Gordon's bedroom I found the most horrifying thing of all: a shrine to Edd the Duck. It consisted of:

• An Edd the Duck VHS tape titled "Edd the Duck! Awesome Dude!"
• A framed photo of Edd the Duck in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
• Edd the Duck colouring pads and play packs, which maybe Gordon does when he's bored
• Several other items, including buttons, a coaster, a badge, and an enamel pin, all featuring the image of Edd the Duck

And in the centre of the collection sat Edd the Duck himself, with his characteristic green spiky hair. He was slumped against the wall.

No mention of Andy Crane and Andi Peters though.

He had a guest book in the hallway. I flicked through it. Only the first two pages were filled in. They said things like, "Hope you will be very happy hear", "The best host and the best cooker", and intriguingly, "I love you" followed by two hand-drawn hearts. The last was written by someone called Rahima who I haven't met yet.

We had lunch: lamb, gravy, peas, roast potatoes. parsnips and Yorkshire puddings. Gordon cooks a surprisingly good sunday roast.

Gordon runs a social Meetup group every Tuesday. I've never been because I assume it's full of old people. I feel like I should visit at least once.