Dear Diary. Today's the first day of school after the summer holidays.

I'm going to a wedding the Saturday after next. One of Girlfriend's best friends is getting married. The wedding dress code for men is "hipster": brown bow tie, brown braces, brown trousers, brown leather shoes, shirt (Guess what colour? That's right: light blue) and an Amish hat. I'm fucked if I'm wearing that.

I have a shirt and trousers from a wedding five years ago so I'm wearing those. But Girlfriend made me try them on just now to "see if they still fit". Miraculously, the trousers still fit. However, the shirt's too small because I've put on fat and muscle over the past five years. Girlfriend then laughed at me. She was in hysterics. It turned out my teeth were black because I'd been eating blueberries. She said that with my teeth and hair, I looked like Beetlejuice. I haven't had a haircut in eight months because I want to grow my hair long, but I don't think I can because I don't have enough hair left to grow long. My hair sticks out at the sides and looks flat on top. I try to gel my hair with wax but it doesn't work, I still have hairs sticking out my sides wildly like a mad professor.

I've gone off writing a diary now. I've realised other people are more interesting than me. I read my diary entries back and I seem like a man obsessed with himself and I wonder why I even bother doing it.