The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Today I went on a hike in the mountains with some people. Before I left the house, I checked the weather forecast and it said: "Today's going to rain". But I couldn't imagine it raining because the weather's been hot and sunny all week, so I put on some shorts and a tank top, rubbed sun cream onto my arms and face, and grabbed my sunglasses. I left my coat behind because obviously it's summer and I don't need a coat.

I drove to the starting point, a hiking area called Gorgues de la Muga, which is just shy of the French border. Three other people were in the car: my English friend Norman; a Brazilian woman in her 50s called Regina; and Regina's adult daughter Marina.

We were almost there when the skies opened and rain began falling in torrents. Lightning flashed across the sky. Thunder rumbled in the distance. I switched the wipers to the fastest speed. Whish wash, whish wash.

"You guys realise we're going to be hiking in this weather?" I said.

I squinted as I drove, trying to see through the rain. Norman was sitting with me upfront. He was saying things like, "Do you know, one of my passions is musicals? I once went to this musical in Germany but I couldn't understand a thing because they were singing in German. And it was a bunch of guys on roller skates and they were holding onto each other pretending to be a train."

Norman's distracting chatter made me miss a turning, which added an extra twenty minutes to the journey. Because of this, we arrived at the park twenty minutes late. A park ranger greeted us at the entrance. He was wearing a cowboy hat with a gold star. He held up his hand. I stopped the car and wound down the window.

"Where are you going?" he said. Raindrops were bouncing off his hat.

"Oh, we're doing a hike," I said as if it was normal to hike in pouring rain. "We're meeting some people up ahead."

"Oh, those people," he said, chuckling, as if "those people" were hiking noobs who had no idea what they were letting themselves in for, and would most likely be dead before the day's end. "Well, just go right on ahead."

"Thanks," I said.

"Oh— and good luck," he added ominously.

We arrived at the hike and got out of the car. Everyone else was already there waiting for us. They were an eclectic bunch of people from all different nationalities. I counted fifteen people, including two Catalan school teachers, a woman from Turkey, a German couple, and a mother and daughter from Poland. I was alarmed to see the daughter looked only about six years old. She was wearing a baby blue poncho with a picture of Skye from Paw Patrol.

Nearly everyone was wearing raincoats, I noticed. One man was even carrying an umbrella. I didn't even have a raincoat, so my tank top and shorts were already getting wet.

A blonde German woman called Daniela had organized the hike.

"You did not read the email?" Daniela asked me.

"What email?" I said.

"We sent everyone an email with the hike information. It said to bring a raincoat."

I didn't read any email.

First Daniela made us all play icebreaker games to get to know each other better, despite us standing in a car park in the rain. After the icebreaker games, she said, "So today I thought we could make things more interesting by doing speed-dating. Pink means you are single and ready to mingle. Blue means you already have a partner and just looking for friends."

I noticed no one took a bracelet, probably because they just wanted to get the hike over with and go home. I wanted to wear a pink bracelet but couldn't because I already have a girlfriend.

Undiscouraged by the lack of interest in her bracelets, Daniela said, "Great! So let's start the hike! But first, has everyone has signed their disclaimers?"

The disclaimers were legal documents protecting Daniela from liability if anyone got injured.

Everyone nodded. I nodded too, but only vaguely, since I hadn't actually signed mine as I couldn't be bothered.

The hike began. But we had only walked two minutes when the rain began pelting down. We all ran for shelter under a tree.

"If it carries on like this, I might go back home," said one woman.

The rain petered off. Next, we had to cross a river. But there was no bridge so we had to wade across.

My hiking boots are supposed to be waterproof. But there's a limit to how waterproof my shoes are. You exceed the limit if you stick the entire boot in a river, as I did.

I offered to carry the six-year-old girl across the river on my shoulders. She happily said yes. But when I stepped into the water, I slipped on a wet rock, and the girl almost fell off my shoulders. Some of the guys had to run over and grab me to keep me steady.

Then came the most dangerous part of the hike: a narrow, steep embankment running alongside the river's edge. The ground was slippery with mud. We progressed slowly, in single file, gripping trees for support. I slipped once or twice but managed to stay upright. A misstep meant tumbling down the slope and possibly into the river. I kept thinking, "This is actually dangerous." It reminded me of the kind of foolhardy misadventure from the British TV show 999, which showed real cases paramedics attend to:

"Tonight on 999: On a rainy day in the mountains, a group of inexperienced hikers set off for what they thought would be a pleasant stroll. Little did they know, the mild rain forecasted by one hiker's weather app would soon become some of the worst rain the hikers had seen for years. The mud on these pathways makes it easy for hikers to slip and lose their footing, which is precisely what happened to this group of unprepared hikers. Their bodies were found several weeks later, bloated with river water."

"Don't worry everyone, this is the hard part," said Daniela, although even she looked uncertain. "It is just a little bit further, and then it gets a lot easier."

The six-year-old girl was struggling to climb a muddy hill.

"You are doing really well, Stella!" said Daniela. "You know, when this is over, I think we will all deserve some ice cream!"

Daniela was trying to be light and positive about the situation but I could tell from her worried expression that she was actually thinking about what would happen if one of us slipped and died and the disclaimer templates she found on the internet didn't hold up in court as legal documents.

But miraculously we all reached the top of the embankment without falling or dying.

"Look at my fingernails!" Norman shrieked like a teenage girl. He held up his fingers and they were covered in mud. His knees and hands were caked with mud too.

We continued walking. The rain continued falling. After an hour of walking in the rain, we stopped at the ruins of a castle for a break. The rain didn't stop; in fact, it was coming down even heavier than ever. We took shelter under some stairs. But the stairs had holes in them and the water got through so we still got soaked. I was more wet than if I'd been on the rapids at Alton Towers.

Next, we waded through another river and walked up a hill in single file. The hill was covered in forest so we had to fight through plants and branches. I felt like Sylvester Stallone in a Vietnamese war jungle, only I didn't have a machete. Norman was in front of me. As Norman pushed through the branches, he didn't notice the branches swinging back at me and hitting me in the face.

"Let's see if we can hear frogs," said Daniela.

I listened. And I could hear frogs. Squelch. Squelch. Squelch. Squelch. Then I realised it was just the sound of Norman's shoes.

The hill kept going up and up. A rivulet of rainwater ran between our legs and down the hill. I felt as small and bedraggled as a hobbit climbing Mount Doom.

"Look at my t-shirt'," said Norman. His t-shirt showed Kylie Minogue wearing a white dress and singing into a microphone. It was from Kylie's 2001 'Fever' world tour. "It's soaking wet," he complained. Maybe he was hoping we'd have a wet t-shirt competition.

We reached the top of the hill. The six-year-old girl was crying. Her hood was tightly up around her head and a towel was wrapped around her shoulders. She was pale and shivering. I offered to carry her again but she shook her head. She learned quickly, at least.

"Congratulations, we made it!" said Daniela. Her left leg was scratched and bleeding. "This is the top of the mountain. I think we should all celebrate Stella because she is the youngest of the group and she has walked all this way by herself. Let's all clap for Stella."

Everyone clapped and cheered for the six-year-old girl.

"Does anyone else have any compliments they want to give to anyone?" asked Daniela.

"I like Norman's t-shirt," said one man.

"Paul," said Norman, turning to me. "Paul is a great friend and an amazing person."

I nodded.

Then a miracle happened: the rain stopped, the clouds parted, and the sun came out.

"It looks like the rain's stopped," said a Catalan guy called Alex.

Then the clouds regathered and the rain began falling again.

We walked back to our cars in the rain. I walked alongside another Catalan guy called Ivan. He's 45, tall, muscular, and shaven-headed. He works as a teacher at a school for disabled kids.

"I'm looking for a girlfriend but I haven't had a girlfriend in decades." (His actual words). "I want a woman who likes being outdoors, and open to new things, and it's hard to find a woman like that."

There were six women on the hike so I don't know what he was talking about.

We reached our cars. The little 6-year-old girl and her mom arrived last. We watched as they straggled back to the starting point. The girl shot us a murderous glare from under her hood as if she wanted to kill us all in revenge for making her do the hike. But I got her to laugh by pretending to hide a biscuit up my bum so she couldn't have been too upset.

"So that is the end of the hike," said Daniela, smiling pleasantly, as if we'd just enjoyed a sunny stroll in a park instead of a three-hour hike in the rain. "Now comes the worst part!"

Wait, it was going to get even worse??

Still smiling, she pulled out a small card box. "This box is for donations, so if you liked my hike today, please feel free to put in however much you want."

A few people slipped money into the box, but my wallet was empty so I put nothing. Besides, I'll see Daniela later this week because she's also my therapist.

"Well, that's it everyone!" said Daniela, beaming. "Would anyone like to go to a restaurant for lunch?"

No one did. Everyone got in their cars, slammed the doors, and drove off.

Norman, Regina, Marina, and I got in my car. I was shivering from the cold so I turned the heating on. I couldn't wait to get home and have a nice cup of tea. I started the engine and reversed out of the parking spot.

"Does anyone want to do another hike after this one?" I said.

Everyone laughed.

"Personally, I'm sticking to something safer like rock climbing from now on," I added.

An hour later, I was home again. The rain had finally stopped. The entire trip had lasted seven hours but it felt longer.

It felt like the whole thing had been a vivid dream. But the mud on my boots begged to differ.

(I never did bother making a cup of tea.)