The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. Today was my brother's wedding. The day started with me searching the hotel room frantically on my hands and knees.

"I can't find my shoes," I said. "And I can't find my speech. "And worst of all, I can't even find the rings."

My brother had entrusted me with the wedding rings for safe-keeping.

"Relax," said Girlfriend. "They must be around here somewhere."

I found the rings first: they were on the dresser where 6-year-old had been playing with them. I found the speech next: it was crumpled in my jeans pocket. Now all I had to find were my shoes. And my sanity.

Then I remembered where my shoes were: in the boot of my dad's car.

"I need to go find my dad," I said.

My dad was in his room. He was already dressed in his suit. He was watching a TV show about people who had taken up running to overcome depression.

"Dad, I need your car keys. I left my shoes in your boot."

"There was a pigeon in here last night," he said. "Two bloody pigeons! I woke up to the sound of cooing."

"Yeah, but—"

"One was drinking from Garf's glass of water and the other was walking around on my bed."

"It's true," said Garf, who was ironing his shirt.

None of this was helping me get my shoes.

"Dad, can I borrow your car keys?"

He gave me the keys. I ran down to the car park and found my shoes in the boot of my dad's car. I put the shoes on. The trouble was, I had never worn the shoes before and they were too big.

I went to see my sister Corryn and my niece Aurora. They were still getting ready in their hotel room.

"How are you feeling?" said Corryn

"Stressed," I said.

"What, because of the speech?"

"No. Just because of all the things going on today. Plus I'm wearing these shoes that don't fit me."

"Are they too loose or too tight?"

"Too loose."

"Aurora, give Paul a pair of your socks to wear."

"I'm not giving him my socks to wear."

"Go on, he's your uncle."

"But they're my favourite socks."

She gave me a pair of her favourite socks to wear. They were a pair of white gym socks. I put them on under my own socks.

"Thanks," I said. "My shoes actually feel better."

"Stand up, let me have a look at you," said Corryn.

I stood up. Corryn looked me up and down.

"Your beard needs a trim," said Corryn. "Come on. Come with me."

I felt like a subnormal in a special ward for people with intellectual disabilities as Corryn led me to the bathroom. There, she took out an portable electric leg shaver. First, she put a towel around me to catch the hairs. Then she made me stand over the sink while she shaved my beard. It hurt a bit; I didn't think a leg shaver was supposed to be used as a beard shaver.

"Are you sure a leg shaver is supposed to be used as a beard shaver?" I asked.

"Hold still."

When she was finished, she said, "Blimey Paul, the back of your neck needs a good trim too."

So she started shaving my neck too. Then when she was finished with that, she said, "You've got a couple of eyebrow hairs that are too long. Aurora, come here and help pull out Paul's eyebrows."

"I'm not doing it," said Aurora.

"Go on, it'll only take a sec."

Reluctantly, Aurora got a pair of tweezers and pulled a couple of my eyebrows out.

With that done, we all went to the wedding ceremony. I was sitting right at the front. Behind me were my girlfriend and kids.

First, Emma's sister gave a reading. All I remember is the line, "The great acts of love are done by those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness." I felt tears in my eyes because it reminded me of Dog-Man.

Then the marriage officiant began the actual wedding proceedings: "If anyone sees any reason why these two should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

There was a long silence and a few suppressed snickers. I wanted to put up my hand and say, "Sorry, I just wanted to know: what time does the lunch start?" but I didn't because I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.

"Now Paul, can you give Emma's ring to Adam," said the marriage officiant.

I had both rings in my pockets. I knew Adam's ring was in my left pocket and Emma's ring was in my right pocket. But for some reason, trying to figure out which one to hand over to Adam was like trying to solve a riddle or a complex logic problem.

I gave Adam the ring from my right pocket. It was the right choice.

I then gave Emma the ring from my left pocket. Phew. My work was over. For now. My speech was still to come.

"I now declare you husband and wife," said the marriage officiant. "You may kiss the bride."

Today, my little brother's all grown up.

After this, we all went outside for a bit in the sunshine. There were glasses of sparkling white wine on a table. But anyone enjoying the sunshine in Coombe Abbey Park mid-afternoon would have seen a strange man in a suit walking around by himself with a toddler on his shoulders, and muttering things to himself like "Oh god, I can't remember any of it" and "What am I going to do? Maybe I can run away."

Soon we were ushered back in again for lunch. This was the moment for the speeches.

First, Emma's dad got up and made a speech. But I didn't hear a word of it because I was too busy trying to remember my own speech.

"Relax," said my cousin Charlotte, who was sitting next to me, noticing my nerves. "You'll be fine."

"If I can remember the first line I can remember the rest of the speech," I said. "The only trouble is, I can't remember the first line."

"I'm sure you'll be fine. Just enjoy it. You're a confident person."

All of this wasn't helping me to remember the first line.

Emma's dad was wrapping up his speech. He said something about someone stealing a petticoat, which was followed by laughter, so wait—was Emma a shoplifter? I didn't know, as I wasn't listening.

Then there was a round of applause.

"What a wonderful speech!" said the Master of Ceremonies, a man with coattails and a cane. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'm now thrilled to introduce someone who not only holds the title of 'Best Man' but also carries a wealth of stories and insights about our groom. So please join me in welcoming Paul to share his speech. Let's give him a warm round of applause!"

I stood up. The room was silent; everyone had turned to watch me. What was the first line of the speech?

"I'm Paul," I said.

I had remembered the first line of the speech. So far, so good.

Now I just had to remember the rest of it.

"I think everyone knows who I am. If you don't, I'm Adam's brother."

I had remembered the second and third lines of the speech: I was doing well!

I then went on to describe the first time I met Emma, which was ten years ago when I came home and walked in on Adam wearing a towel and Emma sitting on the sofa. Adam talked to me for half an hour before finally introducing Emma to me, who'd been sitting silent on the sofa the entire time.

The wedding guests were silent. I carried out.

Then I talked about a funny incident when Adam helped return an escaped convict to prison when he was a child.

"So the prisoner actually climbed back down the wall and went back to his cell?" I said. "And there were no more breakouts after that. I imagine all the prisoners were too scared of Adam to try another escape attempt."

There was unsure laughter from the wedding guests.

"Adam could have gone on to become a policeman," I said. "But instead, he became an archaeologist. And I'm really glad he became an archaeologist, because it was while working on a dig in London that he met Emma. They were both looking in the ground for ancient artefacts. But instead of finding ancient artefacts, they found something even more valuable: they found love."

The wedding guests were still silent. I wasn't sure if it was good or bad silence. Regardless, I carried on:

"Of all the things I'm grateful for is that you, Adam, are my brother. And I've never told you this before, but Adam: I love you."

Something unexpected happened: the wedding guests broke into spontaneous applause. My brother was blinking away tears in his eyes.

I waited for the applause to die down before carrying on.

"Adam," I continued. "On behalf of everyone here, we're happy for you, we're proud of you, and we love you. I'm going to do a toast now, I hope you'll join me."

I picked up my glass of wine from the table.

"So," I said. "A toast to family, to friends, to love, to Adam and Emma."

As I sat back down, people congratulated me on the speech. I did it. I actually did the best man speech.

***

After lunch, there was a disco into the night. I necked down five glasses of wine to get drunk.

As the younger people danced, the older people hung out in the dining room next door.

"Aurora can wiggle her ears," said Corryn. "Aurora, show them you can wiggle your ears."

Aurora just sat there, looking moody.

"Aurora, wiggle your ears," my dad ordered. "Go on. Do it."

Aurora shot my dad a glare. It was like watching a failed show at Crufts.

My dad pulled a crisp ten-pound note out of his wallet. "If you wiggle your ears right now, I'll give you ten pounds." And that's when my dad made his mistake: he slid the note across the table. At that moment, Aurora grabbed the note and stuck it in her dress.

My dad frowned. "Now you've got to wiggle your ears."

But Aurora just smiled triumphantly.

I was proud of Aurora.

I went to the disco to see what was going on. It was a group of younger people standing around. Some song I didn't recognise was playing on the speakers.

I found "Can't Stop" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers on my phone. Then I went up to the DJ and showed him my phone.

"CAN YOU PLAY THIS?" I shouted to him over the noise of the music.

The DJ looked at my phone. Then he smiled. "RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS? THAT'S MY SECOND FAVOURITE BAND!"

I asked him what his first favourite band was.

"GUNS N' ROSES!" he shouted.

He put "Can't Stop" on. Immediately people got excited and started dancing. Everyone somehow knew the words. Adam came up to me and said, "Paul, you've saved the night. Red Hot Chili Peppers was an inspired choice. The disco was flagging but now you've injected some much-needed energy."

Next, I requested "Cotton Eye Joe." People started linking arms and skipping around in circles, barn dance style.

After that, I requested Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" on behalf of my sister Corryn.

People didn't like that one so much.

I went back to the dining room and found a friend of Adam's sitting at a table. His name was Neil. "Hey, the DJ will play any song you want," I told him.

His eyes lit up. "Any song? Do you think he'll play Linkin' Park?"

"I don't know. Ask him."

So Neil went off to talk to the DJ. A few moments later, Linkin' Park was blaring over the disco speakers. Everyone was standing around the dancefloor looking embarrassed and confused while Neil was jumping up and down.

People started to go home. Soon Emma, Adam and I were the only ones left.

The DJ came up to us. "Guys, I'm going to ask you a really important question. What's your last song?"

Adam chose Coldplay's "A Sky Full Of Stars".

As Emma and Adam held hands during their final dance — 'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars // I'm gonna give you my heart — I realised I was wrong. Emma, Adam and I weren't the only ones left. There was another one with us — Adam and Emma's unborn child, who still growing in Emma's womb.

I would like to tell you that as the final chord of "A Sky Full Of Stars" faded into the night, I had a sudden revelatory experience, where everything fell away, and I saw Adam and Emma no longer as my ageing brother and sister-in-law, but instead as two young adults, two young adults starting a family together. And I wish I could say I saw their future too, with all the bright golden years ahead of them, with all the Christmases and birthdays and family holidays, each special occasion a polaroid snapshot with smiling faces infused with love.

I would like to tell you that. But instead I was thinking: "I could've thought of a better last song".

The song ended. It was half midnight. The DJ came over to hug us. "I'm amazed you've stayed so late! Normally everyone's gone by 8 PM. Well done, guys."

"Do you want to see a ghost?" said my dad's friend, Garf.

It was my dad with a sheet over him. When he stepped forward to scare us, he tripped on the sheet and almost fell over.

I headed back to the room drunk. I hadn't been drunk in years. It wasn't as fun as I remembered. Maybe getting drunk is something that should be left to teenagers.

Then I changed my mind and headed outside instead. The night was cold, but I didn't feel the cold. I stared up at the night sky. I felt no emotion, just dead inside. Then I watched a swan in the lake. What was a swan doing, still awake? It was a white ghost, gliding silently through the water.

I stared into the distance. It was the blackest black I'd ever seen. I considered walking off into that distance and never coming back. I could start a new life somewhere else with the meagre money I had in my wallet. Then I pictured my warm hotel room, where my children and girlfriend were sleeping. I decided the hotel room was the better option. I went to my hotel room. Girlfriend and 6-year-old were asleep in one bed, and 2-year-old was asleep in the other. I climbed into the bed with 2-year-old. He was sleeping right in the middle of the bed, so I had to curl up in one corner. Then I tried to put the blanket over me, but 2-year-old was sleeping on the blanket, and I couldn't get it free without waking him up. So I just fell asleep without it.