The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. Today I asked Girlfriend for advice on how to talk to people before a gym class.

"Wait," she said. "Why are you even trying to talk to people at the gym? It's a gym. People just go there to exercise."

"No they don't," I said. "There's a few minutes before every gym class when people are just standing around talking," I said. "But I don't talk. I don't talk to anyone."

She sighed.

"Can you help me?" I said. "I need to think of things to say to people."

She sighed again. Then she said, "Well, okay, I'll help you. So first you have to make eye contact with them. Eye contact's important. If they don't make eye contact with you, you can't talk to them."

Okay. Step 1: make eye contact.

"Also, start slowly. Just start by saying 'Hi' before the class and giving them a smile. Do that for a few classes. Then after a few classes, you can approach them and talk to them."

Christ, I have to say 'Hi' for weeks before I can even talk to anyone? It's like getting an entry-level job in a restaurant where all you're allowed to do is polish the salad forks, and only if you do that well, they'll eventually let you move on to polishing spoons.

"What about if I said, 'I've seen you in the class, you do really well?'"

She shook her head. "You can't say that. They'll think you've been watching them from a distance, like a stalker. It's creepy."

"What about, 'I like your shorts'?"

"No, that's creepy too. It means you've been looking at their body."

"What about 'Do you come to this class often?'"

Girlfriend shook her head. "That doesn't make sense. If you go to the class all the time, you'll already know which people go there often."

"Can I say, "So do you do any other classes?"

"No, that's too abrupt."

Jesus wept. So many things are inappropriate to say. Making small talk is as complicated as performing brain surgery. It's like an extreme minefield where almost every square inch of land sets off a hidden unexploded bomb.

"So what else can I say?"

She let out an exasperated sigh. "I don't know. You could always talk about the weather. Say, 'It's been hot lately, right?' or something."

***

Anyway, this evening I went to the gym class. I spoke to no one before the class. I tried to make eye contact with people but they just looked at me as if I was weird. I still don't have the hang of this yet.

So I did the class. Got sweaty and out of breath. Still hadn't spoken to anyone.

But after the class, I had the chance to speak to a girl. We were both heading out the door together. I tried to think of something to say. I thought of, "So how did you find the class?" But I didn't have Girlfriend's approval yet to use that question, so in the end, I kept silent instead.

I got changed in the changing rooms. I still hadn't spoken to a single person. I began to get mad. Mad at myself for sticking too rigidly to Girlfriend's rules. I decided I should just approach people and start conversations with them. Maybe that's my 'superpower': cutting through the red tape of social formalities to just start talking to people. Some people would call it social ineptitude, but I prefer to call it confidence.

On the way out of the gym, I saw a guy ahead of me who had been in the gym class.

On a whim, I caught up with him and said, "Sorry, do you do Bodycombat?"

He looked at me. He smiled. "Yeah, I do. I saw you in the class today. There weren't many people today, huh?"

"No, I guess not," I said.

"You're normally at the back of the class, right?" he said. "Today you were at the front."

"Yeah, I'm usually at the back," I said. "It's because normally I arrive late, and the only free spots left are at the back."

But that's as far as our conversation got because just then, a friend spotted him, and they stopped to talk. I said goodbye and walked off.

But I was happy. I'd had a conversation.