The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. This morning, the first thing 6-year-old said was, "Daddy, what I can do now?" in a bored, whingy tone.

(To tell you the truth, he asks me that question every morning.)

"Make a Valentine's card for your mom," I suggested. "Draw some hearts on it and write 'I love you, Mommy'. She'll like that."

6-year-old's eyes lit up. "I have an idea!" he said.

He made a volcano out of paper.

And it wasn’t even a Valentine’s volcano.

Then I had to take the kids to school. I took the kids to school early today because I had an early morning dentist appointment for my mouth pain. I was a bit slow dropping 1-year-old off at nursery and I arrived at the dentist two minutes late. The dentist showed me into the treatment room.

"My mouth's okay now," I told the dentist, a woman called Anna. "In fact, I was going to cancel the appointment. Honestly, I have no pain at all."

"Well, there's no harm in taking a quick look," she said. "Take a seat."

So I sat down in the dentist's chair. The dentist peered into my mouth with a bright light. She poked and prodded the gums around my molars with a metal probe.

"Your gums are fine," she concluded, sounding a little annoyed. "They're pink and healthy. There's no sign of infection or inflammation. There's no need for a treatment."

She took the probe out of my mouth.

"That's what I thought," I said. "I've been using an interdental toothbrush." I pulled the interdental brush out of my pocket for her to see. "I use it to clean my teeth a few times a day. I just dig around with it, around my back molar."

"Well, keep it up," she said.

There was no charge for her services. I left and went back home.

***

In the afternoon, I picked 6-year-old up from school. The kids pestered me with requests to watch Skibidi Toilet, which is a series of surreal YouTube videos about singing human heads in toilets. It's actually quite good.

(Interestingly, I asked ChatGPT to tell me about Skibidi Toilet just now and it didn't know. I then asked Google's equivalent of ChatGPT, Gemini, and got a full explanation. So Gemini is better?)

So we watched Skibidi Toilet for a while and then the kids wanted to watch one of my films. So I played Shit Snake Toilet Terror, a film I made where an angry snake crawls up my bum and then comes out my mouth. I forgot there are several scenes in the film where you can see my hairy naked bum, which means I inadvertently showed my bum today to several six and seven-year-olds. Strangely, the kids didn't react to seeing my bum. I think they were too engrossed in the plot of the film.

***

I thought Girlfriend had forgotten Valentine's Day, which was fine for me because I didn't get her anything.

I thought she'd forgotten, that is, until she said, "You forgot Valentine's Day."

"I didn't forget," I said. "I just didn't get you anything. People don't celebrate Valentine's Day in Spain."

"Well, I got you chocolate," she said.

As she said this, she was eating a piece of the chocolate.

"Are you eating the chocolate you got me?" I said.

She laughed and walked off.

I don't think she really got me the chocolate. I think she just bought it for herself.