The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Spain's biggest theme park is Port Aventura. I live in Spain, and every now and then an advert for Port Aventura comes on TV here — usually at Halloween or Christmas — and it's your usual theme park stuff: roller coasters, candy floss, a man exposing himself from behind some bushes.

I've never much felt the need to go to Port Aventura, but Girlfriend recently bought some cheap tickets and that's how I found myself driving my girlfriend and two sons to Port Aventura on a cold New Year's Day morning.

By the way, our car is electric, which means it doesn't go very fast or very far. This was made evident when we were only halfway to Port Aventura and we had to stop to charge the car in an industrial park. We all stood around the car in a cold deserted car park, waiting for the car to charge enough for us to be on our way.

Girlfriend needed a wee but there were no toilets around so she did a wee crouching down next to a tree.

We walked to a nearby cafe. The cafe was shut.

6-year-old kicked a vending machine hoping a bottle of Fanta would fall out. It didn't.

"Can we go now Daddy?" said 6-year-old.

"Not yet," I said. "We have to let the car charge a little bit more."

"I think it's charged enough, no?" said Girlfriend.

"It hasn't charged enough yet," I said. "If we left now, we'd run out of battery before we even got there."

I made everyone wait another twenty minutes while the car charged. Finally, we set off again.

We made it to Port Aventura. There was a statue of the Port Aventura mascot, Woody the Woodpecker.

"If we hadn't stopped to charge the battery, the car would have run out of battery by now," I said. I waited for Girlfriend or 6-year-old to congratulate me on my decision to stop and charge the car, but no one said anything, not even a "Well done Paul you were right to stop the car."

I parked the car while Girlfriend checked into the hotel and collected our park tickets. Half an hour later we were entering through the park's turnstiles. Now we were in Port Aventura itself. In the distance were two rollercoasters, one red and one blue. We walked past a big lake that was supposed to represent the Mediterranean Sea, even though the real Mediterranean sea was only less than two miles away. They could have built the park by the real sea and then they wouldn't have had to build the lake.

We walked for about twenty minutes without passing a single ride. Meanwhile I could see the big looping rollercoasters in the background. No matter how far we walked, the roller coasters were always out of reach; they never got any closer. We passed closed restaurants. We passed closed shops. Still no rides.

The park is divided into different areas of the world, including China, Polynesia, the American West, and of course, one of the most important nations in the world, Sesame Street. I went to see a Sesame Street show with 1-year-old. Sesame Street characters were dancing on a stage. The show was led by a lady wearing high heels, a gold sequined top, and a ruffled skirt. She had long brunette hair. Gold stars were painted on her face. She wore tights that made her legs look shiny. She was smiley and enthusiastic; she had the same happy energy as a children’s TV presenter. I spent most of the show watching her instead of the Sesame Street characters. I was particularly mesmerized by her skirt. It came up to her knees, and every time she gave a twirl, everyone could see her white panties. No wonder all the dads were watching the show so intensely.

Then I took 1-year-old to see a Christmas show. The show was like a circus but with so much stuff happening on stage, I wasn't sure where to watch. At least when I was watching the Sesame Street show I knew to watch the lady's bum.

We walked some more and finally we arrived at the two big roller coasters. There they were, looming above us, like the skeletons of gigantic dinosaurs. It felt like a view you'd see as a placemark on Google Earth, not in real life. Every minute or so, a carriage flew past with screaming people.

Girlfriend said I could go on a rollercoaster while she took the kids. So I walked over to the roller coasters. The red roller coaster only had a ten-minute queue so I went on that one. I didn't enjoy it very much. The G-forces squashed me down into my seat like a mechanical press on each inversion. My head felt like gravel was rattling around inside it, which might have been brain cells coming loose.

Evening fell. We went to the hotel early for dinner. Almost no one else was there yet. There was a buffet. I ate three plates of food, including a hot dog, chips, pizza, and tacos. It was wonderful. There was a little statue of Oscar the Grouch in a Santa hat sitting next to the pizza. An hour later and I was still eating, so Girlfriend took the kids to the hotel room while I finished my third plate of food.

When I couldn't eat any more, I started heading back to the hotel room. But I couldn't find the building. There were too many buildings. They had names like Iguana and Jaguar. I went into one building. The sound of Christmas music was playing over a stereo in the corridor. I entered the lift, went up a floor, and left the building on the other side. I stumbled around in the dark, swearing. Eventually, I found my hotel room. The kids were asleep. Girlfriend was on her phone. I took a bath and went to bed.

***

The next morning, we went back to the dining room for breakfast. It was the most wonderful breakfast buffet I've ever seen. There were pancakes, sausages, tomatoes, baked beans, yoghurts, and croissants. I ate everything, including three churros with chocolate.

After breakfast, we went back to the theme park. We arrived two minutes before the park opened. A big crowd was outside the gates like the crowd outside Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. "LET US IN!" I shouted. The gates opened and everyone flooded in. I gave a whoop of delight.

Our plan was to go on a ride called Sesame Street: Street Mission before the queues got too long. So we headed straight to Sesame Street. "SESAME STREET!" I shouted in excitement. Girlfriend told me to stop shouting.

We reached the front of the queue for the ride. I had heard you use a gun on this ride. I was ready to shoot Big Bird in his kneecaps but unfortunately, we weren't given a gun but a "clue detector" instead, which I chose to believe was a gun. When Big Bird appeared I took off my 3D glasses so I could get a proper look at him. Big Bird was just as intimidating up close as I thought he'd be. I shot his kneecaps a few times with the clue detector. I then spent the rest of the ride aimlessly shooting at cookies and I got the highest score.

I was feeling bad from all the sugar I had eaten. Churros and pancakes for breakfast, a Belgian waffle with chocolate sauce and ice cream for lunch, and a large Granny Smith apple. Luckily the park was so spread-out I could burn off the excess sugar just by walking between attractions.

I went to see a bubble show with 1-year-old. On the stage was a lady blowing bubbles. All kinds of bubbles: soap bubbles, fire bubbles, giant bubbles, long bubbles. People trapped inside bubbles. Bubbles that the lady plucked apart to form new smaller bubbles. The only bubble she didn't have was a cube-shaped bubble. 1-year-old fell asleep about ten minutes into the show.

Girlfriend looked after the kids while I went to Ferrari Land. Ferrari Land is a Ferrari-themed theme park next to Port Aventura. Now, I don't like Ferraris, or any particular make of car for that matter, but Ferrari Land was included in our tickets so it would have been a waste not to visit it.

And, more importantly: Ferrari Land is the home of the FASTEST, TALLEST ROLLER COASTER IN EUROPE.

I entered Ferrari Land. Everything was red — the colour of Ferrari — from the buildings to the rides. I could immediately see Europe's fastest, tallest roller coaster. It's called Red Force and it stands in the centre of Ferrari Land like a giant K'Nex penis.

The electronic queue clock said there was a 30-minute wait time, which seemed an incredibly short wait for the fastest, tallest roller coaster in Europe (I once wasted two hours of life standing in line just for a ride on Air at Alton Towers.) so I joined the queue for Red Force. In front of me was a man missing a tooth. Maybe he'd been Red Force too many times. A girl next to me had two crutches. She had definitely been on the ride too many times.

I got to the front of the queue for Red Force. It was time for me to go on. I put everything in my coat pockets and zipped them up. I was feeling excited. I felt like a teenager again instead of a middle-aged man possibly suffering from prediabetes. I sat down in the car of Red Force. I pulled down my restraint. We waited. We waited. A light turned green. The car started moving forward slowly. Then without warning, the car shot forward like a bullet. It went from zero to 112 miles per hour in five seconds. My eyeballs were squashed into my head. Then the car shot straight up into the sky. The wind whipped my face. I screamed.

The car stopped briefly at the very top of the ride. Then the ride shot back down again. The wind was threatening to rip my face clean off my head.

It was all over. Thirty seconds had passed since the ride had begun. I got up and felt my face. Thankfully, it was still attached properly. I left the park feeling like those thirty seconds had been the single greatest moment of my life.

I wanted to ride on Red Force a second time but instead, I returned to Port Aventura and found my family. They were in a play area. 1-year-old was climbing up a ramp and 6-year-old was sliding down a slide, which seemed tame compared to the roller coaster I'd just been on.

"Ferrari Land's really good," I enthused to Girlfriend. "There's all these rides but there's no one on them. It's like the park's half-deserted."

"6-year-old's feeling tired," she said. "I think it would be best if we go home."

Night fell. We left the park. As we walked to the car, I took one last, longing look at Red Force. I realised I still had the Ferrari Land entrance ticket in my jeans pocket.

"Do you think I could go back to the park and have another go?" I asked Girlfriend.

But Girlfriend didn't hear me. She and the two kids had already walked off.

I didn't get to go on it again.

We drove home.

So that was Port Aventura.