The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. We went to Lisa and Phil's house. Lisa was telling me about a guy who was killed at Star City by an electric reclining chair. He'd lost something behind the chair, and as he was looking for it, the chair reclined and squashed his head like a watermelon. What a way to die. Imagine if you'd paid to see Transformers: The Last Knight and then, while you're realising you've wasted good money on a bad film, your seat kills you.

Everyone in my family insists on calling Star City "Stab City" on account of all the 'gangs' there. I think what they really mean by gangs is British-Asian people.

Dad was telling me that he saw an Asian man steal a woman's phone at the Mailbox. Dad, ever the hero in his own tales, told the man to give the phone back. The man refused to give the phone back and instead he tried to dropkick Dad. But Dad, like some kind of martial arts expert, simply stepped backwards, causing the man to fall over.

The man then ran away into an alley. Dad joined forces with a Sikh man, and chased the thief and got the phone back.

"We called the police but they said they wouldn't come," says Dad. "Because I already had the situation under control. The police are bloody useless."

So if you need help from a mugger, don't call the police, apparently: call my Dad.

Lisa cut my hair. It's been my first haircut for ten years. I don't mean I've let it grow for ten years, giving me waist-length hair, like a hippie or a messiah. I mean I've been shaving it myself, at home, over the past ten years, usually in my underpants so the hair doesn't get on my clothes.

Lisa's actually good at cutting hair. She learned by cutting Phil's hair during the COVID lockdown.

Dad's fat. He looks pregnant. And he's getting bigger every day.

"When's the baby due?" I asked Dad.

He looked confused for a moment.

Shirtless he looks like a whale. A whale that's grown legs and learned to walk.

Corryn's fat too. In fact, in my estimation, half the population seem to be overweight. Actually, that's not too far from the truth: 63% of adults in the UK are overweight or obese.[Ref] Jesus Christ. That's 2 in 3 adults.

I live in Spain where it seems to me like most people are thin and healthy. People eat a healthy Mediterranean diet. But maybe I'm wrong: apparently, 62% of adults in Spain are overweight.[Ref]

"An investigation by the Mar de Barcelona hospital has found that 80% of men and 55% of women will be overweight by 2030."

Fucking hell. Imagine a country where most of the women are fat. Actually, it's already like that now in the UK. 60% of women in the UK are overweight or obese.[Ref] Come on, ladies: put some effort in, will you?

Meanwhile, my sister Lisa is bucking the trend by being skinny. The thing is though, she's too skinny. She has no muscle. She'd lose in a fight. Her BMI is 16.7, which means that she's clinically underweight.