The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. "We haven't had sex for eight months," I say to Girlfriend.

She looks at me in a mix of amusement and shame. "I'll make you a promise," she says. "At 10 o'clock tonight I'll go to bed the same time you do, and then we'll have sex"

"Sure," I say, sceptically.

*****

When 10 o'clock comes, Girlfriend's sitting on the sofa with her laptop.

"I'm going to bed," I say.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about the promise," she says. "Sorry"

I sigh. "Don't worry about it," I say.

"Anyway, it's not like you're ready yet," she says. "You've still got your clothes on"

I take off all my clothes, right there in the living room. "There," I say. "Are you happy?"

Girlfriend looks at me. She's amused but unaroused.

She comes to bed, but only because she made the promise.

We both lay in bed. I'm naked, but she's dressed in full-length pyjamas, which don't exactly make sex easier.

"Hang on," I say. "I have to take out my retainers"

I pull the retainers out of my mouth. First the top one and then the bottom one. Girlfriend watches in amusement. "It's like you're an old man taking out false teeth," she says. "Next you'll be taking off your hair"

Not exactly what a man wants to hear in bed.

"Now what?" I say.

"If you want sex, you have to turn me on," she says.

I try stroking her arm.

She pulls away. "Don't touch my skin," she says. "Your hands are too cold."

I stroke her arm and back. She's laughing though, partly because she's nervous because we haven't had sex for so long, and partly because my attempts at arousing her are pathetic.

"This isn't working," I say.

I try massaging her nipples through her pyjama. But she pulls away and laughs as if my attempt at turning her on was too obvious.

"What if I try using the vibrator on you?" I say.

She shrugs. So I get out of bed and get the vibrator.

"It won't turn on," I say. It's just like Girlfriend: neither she nor the vibrator will turn on tonight. "Must be out of battery"

"Give it here," she says. She takes the vibrator and turns it on.

Just when I think she's going to use it on herself, she turns the vibrator off and puts it on her pillow.

I pick it up. My idea is to put the vibrator on her clitoris, but she's covered in pyjamas and a duvet.

Then she rolls over so she's turned away from me. Now all I can see is her back.

I try kissing her on her neck. She used to like that when we first started dating. But now she laughs instead, a nervous laugh. A laugh as though what I'm doing is stupid. I hate that laugh. It reminds me of my ex-girlfriend Bonnie. Bonnie was an Asian woman who liked to bite my lips when she kissed me. Bonnie and I never had sex. Bonnie was frigid and now Girlfriend's frigid too.

I pull away, angry. "I'm going to sleep," I say. "It's late."

But I continue, "Sex doesn't have to be like this. It doesn't need to take a fucking hour. It could just be five minutes. You're getting older. You're turning into a fucking old woman who never wants to have sex"

I roll over and try to go to sleep. A few minutes later, Girlfriend's snoring. I lay awake for what feels like hours, angry and frustrated.