The shit blog of Paul Chris Jones

Dear Diary. I wake up to a familiar sound. Not the sweet melody of birdsong or the soft breathing of a supermodel lying asleep next to me but 3-year-old's voice shouting “Da-deee!”

I go to his bedroom to see what he wants.

“Is it good morning?” he says.

We put the shutters up to find out. (His bedroom doesn't have curtains, but shutters, like a shop front.) There's daylight. It’s morning.

I change my pants and put some shorts on. I throw my old pants in the washing basket. These pants have a cum stain on them from my wet dream two nights ago. I think. I've lost track of when I last changed my pants, to be honest. Some mornings I change my pants, some mornings I don't.

Today, the landlord's sister is coming to take photos of the apartment. We're moving out in two weeks and the landlord needs photos to advertise the apartment.

I'm supposed to be carrying some of our belongings to the new apartment today. But I just had a diarrhoea poo. This poo has expended my energy. I feel weaker, like when Superman gets hit by kryptonite.

The landlord's sister comes at 12:28, two minutes early. To my surprise, she's younger than me. And attractive. She’s wearing a red summer dress and she's all smiley and happy.

Normally, the presence of an attractive woman will make me suddenly more friendly and alert, in case there's a chance that a more positive personality might get me a shag. But today I’m so exhausted that I barely even say hello to her. Instead, I just carry on being lethargic and play with 3-year-old with his dollhouse.

A thought occurs to me: maybe she owns the apartment now. Maybe she's the new landlord. If that's true, then not only is she is younger than me, but she also has an apartment while I just have diarrhoea.

Why am I so exhausted. Maybe it’s the stress of moving apartments. They say that one of the most stressful things in life is moving house. Well, I've moved ten times in the past ten years so it’s no wonder I have no hair left. It’s all fallen out because of the stress.

Or maybe I’m exhausted because all I had for breakfast was chocolate and 3-year-old’s leftover apple. And some Brazil nuts at one point.

Nah, I think it's because I've started taking melatonin to help me sleep. My body's not used to the melatonin yet.

The landlord's sister has gone. Now I’m taking wall plugs out the walls and filling the holes with plaster. Even though the task is basic, I feel like an expert DIY man. And it gives me time to think. Like who my personal enemies are.

• Anyone who owns a house or an apartment
• Michael “it’s only a commercial” Winner for having the face of a smug rich prick
• The French character in L’Auberge Espagnole for being handsome and getting women with little effort. Even though he's only fictional.
• My mother-in-law

It's a cliche to hate your mother-in-law, but I really do. Because I'm making lists, here's a list of things about my mother-in-law:

• She looks like the queen from Snow White when the queen was disguised as an old woman
• She waddles around like a penguin
• She's in a constant bad mood like Selma from The Simpsons
• She's worried that her cleaning robot will get dirty if she uses it too much
• She has several teeth missing
• She'll be my landlord in two weeks. I hate landlords.
• Her apartment is the most boring place in the world. Even solitary isolation cells in North Korean prisons are more stimulating. I hate going there and I feel myself losing IQ points every time I go, which isn't good because I don't have that many IQ points to begin with.
• This year, she inherited 2 million euros worth of property and other assets, but she's extremely stingy, and won't let 3-year-old draw on new paper, only used paper
• When Girlfriend was asking her about the inheritance, she said, "It's all mine! It's all mine!" in an angry tone
• She doesn't say hello to me. In fact, she only ever acknowledges my presence to scold me: "Don't touch that!" or "That's mine!"

Anyway, all the wall plugs are out. By the way, I always thought they were called rawl plugs. But Google tells me they're not.